Days Go By
by just jay
Summary: AU. Logan is 15, and his life has been nothing but miserable. His new foster family? The Knight Family. eventual Kogan, swearing, various other mature themes. rating may go up.
1. Prologue

Thoughts: I could write a banging AU right now. If I had ANY talent, that is. I hope this is at least entertaining, if not an interesting read.

This is my first like, legit BTR story. I am a noob. I am in love with Kogan. And I love AU stories. And, I'm almost 18 and have some very mature things that go on.

Prologue.

Time is a crazy thing. There's never enough of it when you're having fun, and there's always too much of it when you are bored, or hurt. It's never on your side, it won't let you turn it back, and God forbid if it'd ever let you have good moments within the bad ones. Despite all this, nothing can heal any kind of wound quite like time can.

I don't like to remember my childhood. I don't like to remember all the things that I could have done differently, or the things I should have done differently because I can't change the past. It's not easy to relive it, but it's not easy to keep everything bottle up inside.

I was the first child born to either of my parents and I was undoubtedly the biggest mistake of their lives. My mom fifteen, my father seventeen. They were young, and stupid, and they had their whole lives ahead of them. At the time, they couldn't even think of giving me up. They just couldn't stand the thought of not being able to take care of their child.

But it would have been better for everybody

I don't remember a time where my parents didn't despise me. The only way of life I knew was the pure hatred they against me and against each other. Every argument they had was either over me or over money, and sometimes it was even about both. They'd hit me, they'd punch me, they'd kick me till I couldn't breathe. They'd yelled at me, said things they should have regretted, and never loved me. As far as I was concerned, I was just a nuisance to them, I was just _there_, like furniture, or air.

I was an uncomfortable, awkward, dirty child. I couldn't allow myself to be around others without feeling uncomfortable. I was afraid of everything, I had stranger anxiety, I feared all people. I would get in trouble at school for being too afraid to interact, and then I would be punished at home for this. I would lose meals at home, I would get hit and get told how stupid I was, how useless I was, and how I would _never_ amount to anything if I kept being such a loser.

My first year ever at school was the first year my father started treating me differently. He said there were some things his father and himself had together, some things that were kept secret between them. He said it was time he shared the secret with me, and only me, and we were not allowed to break the secret, because it was a sacred secret, and I had to promise never to tell.

There are some things that I'd never understand. To me, it didn't matter how many times his father had done things to him, or had hit him, or whatever the situation may be. To me, what mattered was how he treated me. His father didn't tell him to do these things to me. He knew it was wrong. He knew he wasn't right, he knew he was sick, and I was six years old. I didn't know any better. I didn't know glue from paste and he still did these things. And my mother wasn't any better, knowing what was going on and not stopping anything.

I was seven when they had another baby and I did my best to help take care of it. My mother suffered from post partum depression, and I tried to convince her not to hurt the baby like she hurt me, I wanted her to hurt me instead of my brother. The relationship between my father and my brother was better than mine. My father seemed to like him, but at the same time, he gave me much more of his attention.

My mother's relationship improved with my brother, but she didn't ever love us. Her and my father loved to drink, they loved to smoke pot, and they loved to ignore their children. I was nine years old, trying to take care of my brother, letting my father beat and molest me, while my mother sat back, allowed it, and rode my ass whenever my grades suffered. I didn't know any other kind of life. I didn't have friends, I didn't know what the word 'fun' was, and I didn't even know my birthday existed.

She left when I was ten, my mother. She was just done, with me, with the situation, with my father. She was twenty five, she felt like she had the world ahead of her, and we had just been bumps in the road. The sad part was, I barely noticed she was gone.

I know I was about thirteen when I told someone what was going on. I'd had a rough night with my father; after refusing to do things he'd wanted me to do, the beatings began. Bruises, cuts, and breaks were formed all over my body before I finally caved and did what he'd wanted. After all, I was put on the earth by him, I was obligated to do what he wanted. But I couldn't breathe. My ribs had been cracked, and I was in school and I felt like I was going to pass out with every breath.

My teacher had noticed the bruises on my face. They couldn't easily be unnoticed, I mean, they were _everywhere_. I remember being pulled into the principal's office. I remember the face he had; one that he'd never shown me before. I saw the principal a _lot_ and he had never had this look.

"I'm not really sure what's been going on," he said. "But I know something has been going on. I don't know what to say…or exactly what to ask or how to phrase the questions I have. But I trust you to tell the truth."

I had felt cornered, I didn't know what to say, or what to do, or what to think. I looked at my principal. He was Mr. Langston, he was tall, and handsome, and he definitely didn't look like a principal. But he loved kids, and he loved to take care of kids, make them smart, and see them happy. He was the kind of man _every_ father should idolize and want to be like. He was the kind of man I wanted to be my father.

"…I don't know how to answer a question that's not directly asked, sir," I said, my voice steady. "I don't quite know what you want me to say."

"I've been your principal for almost four years at this middle school, Logan. Over those years I've gotten to know you and a_ ton _of other children. You just show signs of…I mean, your life is different than most others' lives."

"Everybody's different. Not just me."

"I know but…there are things…parents are not supposed to hit their children. It is against the law. Do you understand what that means? If your parents hit you, they can go to jail. They can go to jail like someone who steals, or someone who kills."

"They don't hit their child," I said, referring to my brother.

"Logan…how did you get those bruises? I can tell when you're lying." I knew he was lying.

I shifted my eyes. "What bruises?" Obviously, I was stalling. I was attempting to prevent the inevitable, and I so badly wanted this to end right there.

"The ones I can see on your face. There's no doubt in my mind that there are ones that I cannot see. Please…I can help you, okay? You have to trust that I know what to do in these kinds of situations."

"So, you're assuming I'm in a situation, then?" I questioned.

"I'm not assuming anything. I just want you to feel okay. I want you to be comfortable wherever you are. I want you to feel safe no matter what."

I couldn't help my smirk and roll my eyes and think, _I'll never feel safe_.

"I don't know if you're aware, Logan, but this isn't a game." His tone had suddenly changed, and he was being harsh. "It's _not_ okay, what they're doing to do. You cannot be treated like this, just say it, just say what they're doing, say the words, and I can end it all here. I can make it _all _stop. I can find a safe home for you and your brother. I have the power to do all of that, if you just say it."

My heart told me to burst into tears, but my brain told me to stay strong no matter what. My body always listened to my brain; it was usually right. But this time, it was wrong. It was screaming, 'stay strong, just tell him you don't know what he's talking about.' My heart was saying, 'this will _make a difference_.'

So I said it. I told him everything. I told him how my parents beat me, and how they kicked me, and how they would take away meals for days at a time. I told him how they always had me convinced I was wrong, I was useless, and worthless, and how I couldn't help but believe anything else. I told him the things my father said, the things my father did. I'd never shown emotion, I never let him know how I felt about anything. I could never do that to anybody, for any reason. My thoughts were the one thing I had to myself, for me, and only me.

I didn't go home that night. I was taken into DCYF custody almost immediately, and my brother was immediately taken from my parents when I told the social worker what I had told my principal. "Don't make me go back," I remember telling her, afraid of what would happen. "Get my brother out, and don't make me go back."

I remember everything that had happened that night. I remember all the questions I'd asked, I remember all the things asked to me. I remember the color of the room, the time, the temperature, the mood. I was solemn. I was strong. I was mature. I didn't show any fear.

"What's going to happen to my brother and I?"

"Well, you will both be placed into foster care until the scheduled court date. The judge will decide your fate, and when he rules in our favor, you and your brother will both remain in foster care, up for adoption, until you become adopted. We will try our best to keep you together-"

"No," I said quickly. This was something I had feared. "You don't understand," I said. "My brother would be much, much better off without me. I know what's going to happen after the court date. I know we're not going back to my dad's. I'm not dumb…I don't want him to know any of this. I want him to grow up with a happy family, without expecting me to answer questions. I want him to live with a happy family, one that will love him unconditionally, and give him all the attention he's ever needed. I don't want to be apart of that. Nothing about me can make him happy."

"Logan…your brother _needs_ you-"

"He doesn't. Please don't question me, don't tell me I'm wrong, don't try to convince me to change my mind. I've made my solid argument, and if you try to convince me otherwise, I might just fall for it, and I do _not_ want you to change my mind about this. He deserves better than what he's had, or what he'll have with me. I _know_ I'll mess him up."

After the court date, I didn't see my brother, or father ever again. My brother was adopted by a doctor, and his Baptist wife. They were _happy_, wealthy, and had one other child around the same age. He was going to have the life he deserved, he was going to be happy, and wealthy and successful. That was all I had wanted for him, and I didn't want him to know about any of the life he'd had within his first six years.

For me, it wasn't so easy. I didn't like foster care. I didn't like change, and I struggled to become accepted in any home I entered. It was much harder for a thirteen year old to be placed than a six year old. The first foster home I went to, I could _not_ get along with their sixteen year old son, who felt like I was taking his place, and who hated me and beat me up. The second foster home I went to was downright awful; the husband hated all children, and the mother needed me for the money the government gave her for having me. The third family wasn't too bad, but I ran away from their house because I couldn't _eat_ and after that they refused to accept me back.

By the sixth family, I was tired of being moved. I was fourteen, I was exhausted, and I was _done_ with this foster family bullshit. I had turned hard as stone, I had walls, I let no one in, and I couldn't even imagine settling comfortably with a family. One thing my principal had promised, though, was that I would feel safe no matter what. And I did. I just wasn't happy. Although, I never had been, so I didn't see the difference at all.

At fifteen, the thirteenth family I was going to was, "a great family," like all the others, and had, "experience with troubled teens," like all the others, and was "going to love you" like all the others, _and was, "going to take care of you" like all the others._

_The thirteenth family, I had learned, was the Knight's. The mother was a stay-at-home-mom, the father was a Christian Preacher, there were two children, a boy, a girl, and they had never, never, failed to improve a foster child's life._

_Challenge accepted. _


	2. Day 1

Thoughts: I am appalled by the positive feedback. When I checked my e-mail, I was literally floored by the alerts, favorites, reviews, etc. now I'm afraid I'm going to mess up the story haha. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Also, I apologize for the end format of that last chapter. I didn't mean for it to be in italics.

* * *

13 October.

Day 1.

The Knight's lived approximately twenty minutes away from the social service office. The house was nice; an average size with tan paneling and white trim. The front door was also white, which matched the picket fence surrounding the yard. The grass was green, shrubs bordered the porch, a tire swing hung from the large oak in the front yard. Two vehicles occupied the driveway; a black Cherokee and a red Honda Accord, and they were in front of the two car garage.

The house looked perfect. The yard looked perfect, and I knew inside there was a perfect family, unaware of what they had gotten themselves into. Somewhere between the hitting, the stranger anxiety, the moving around from place to place, feeling unloved and unwanted, I had turned into a hard, badass, prick. There were no other words for what I had become.

Kelso, my social worker, pulled into the driveway, where we sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I stared at the house, adulating its clean, perfectly kempt demeanor.

"You have to be ready for this," she said. "This is, what? The eleventh family?"

"Thirteenth," I said, keeping my focus on the house. "Thirteenth."

"Are you scared?"

"I'm not scared." I slowly looked at her. She was not ugly; she had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a heart shaped face with perfect cheeks and teeth. She was young for a social worker, but she definitely had a heart of gold. "I'm just sick of this."

"It's not going to change unless you change it."

"I don't know if I know how to change."

"You do," she said, studying me. "You have before."

"I haven't changed." I focused on the house again, preparing to listen to her spiel, not wanting to watch her facial expressions.

"You've said it yourself, Logan. And you're definitely not the same, timid thirteen year old I met almost three years ago. Your heart is stone. I don't blame you; it's never been shown love. But these people…they're compassionate. They care about things that nobody else does. They care about you; not because your parents don't, not because your teachers don't, but because _you_ don't."

I took in a deep breath and sighed. "Let's get this over with." I opened the car door, and stepped out. It was October, and the Minnesota air was cool against my face. I grabbed my backpack out of the backseat of Kelso's car, and walked behind her up to the door. She rang the bell. I was not amused.

A tall woman opened the door. She was taller than me, but not by much. I was a runt, though, not going to lie. I still am, actually. I was 5'6" at the time and have grown two inches since then. She was beautiful; skinny, perfect white teeth like Kelso's. Curly brown hair that ended just below her shoulders, a nose that looked like a button, and a smile that could win a million dollars.

"Margaret," she greeted Kelso. "It's nice to see you again."

"The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Knight, really."

"How many times have I told you? Call me Karen."

I felt like I was in a bad, clichéd movie. Only, this wasn't a movie, this was real life, these were real people, and they were so very unlike myself.

Mrs. Knight looked at me and smiled. "Hi sweetie," she said, "how are you?"

I tried to smile back but I knew my face looked awkward. I felt awkward and all I could give was awkward vibes. "Okay," I said finally. "Uh. I'm Logan."

She chuckled softly. "I know," she said, stepping aside, "I'm Karen. It's wonderful to finally meet you.. Come in, come in. Have a seat."

I followed Kelso inside and sat next to her on the couch. I had suddenly felt like that timid thirteen year old she had been talking about just five minutes ago.

The house inside was just as immaculate as it was outside. It was very homey. The living room had a cream colored carpet, and green striped walls. The couch matched the carpet, the throw pillows matched the walls. There was a large television in front of the couch; two matching armchairs on either side of the couch; and pictures of family and friends hung straight on the walls, and were placed on shelves.

Mr. Knight, who was tall, corpulent, and stern-looking, entered the living room then, and approached me. I felt obligated to stand up. I mean, he _was_ a preacher. I wasn't exactly sure, so I just stood up. He smiled politely and started to shake my hand. Mr. Knight was a tall, beefy man, and it was definitely shown in his voice. He had a deep, deep voice, but it was as smooth as silk. "It's a pleasure to have you here," he said.

"Um. Thanks."

I wasn't sure what to say. It was always awkward on the first day.

"The kids are out for a few hours," Mrs. Knight explained. "So we can get to know you for a while without them interrupting."

Mr. Knight was still shaking my hand. "Oh, um, that's fine," I said.

"You'll be sharing a room with Kendall. He's about the same age as you. Hopefully, you'll get along well," Mrs. Knight continued. "I don't want to sound like a witch already, but, we do have rules here. And Ken and I are the adults." Mrs. Knight watched her husband for about fifteen seconds. "Ken, you're doing it again."

He stopped and stared at her. "I was _trying_ to see how long he would go," he explained.

I furrowed my brows.

She gave him a look, then smiled when she saw me looking at her. "Well, we just wanted to show you around a bit, tell you all the rules. While you're here, no matter how long or short that may be, you will be treated like one of our kids. That's how we've always done this. I hope that's okay with you?"

There was nothing that wasn't awkward about that afternoon. I got a tour of the house; the kitchen was the best kitchen I've ever seen. Dark, dark hardwood floors that matched the cabinets and drawers, black granite top counters and black appliances. The table was on the other side of the kitchen, also made of the same wood as the cupboards and floors, and chairs with white cushions. The walls were white with a dashed black border running across the middle. I soon learned it was tile.

The downstairs bathroom was a half bath; it was yellow, small, simple, yet somehow just as special as the kitchen and living room. Upstairs, there were four more rooms and two more bathrooms. One room was packed with boxes and had a desk. "Ken has been using this as an office. It's been hard ever since the church burned down last year," said Mrs. Knight.

"The church burned down?"

"Yes. It wasn't easy for anyone. Ken has been rebuilding the place since the incident. Once he's finished, this room can be yours."

Sweet deal, I thought. "How'd the church burn down?" I found myself asking.

"A run in the gas line," sighed Mrs. Knight. "It was powered by gas, and there was a really bad leak, then a burst, and all of a sudden the church was gone."

"That sounds really unholy."

Mrs. Knight looked at me with an amused expression on her face. "You're not religious at all, are you?"

"Not one bit of religion in me, ma'am," I said honestly. "I gave up on God a long time ago."

She smiled. "And He'll always be there for you."

Obviously, my opinion hadn't changed, but it was the first day, this strange, random lady was allowing me to live in her house, I wasn't going to question her religion, knowing she was a very religious person.

Mrs. Knight showed me the master room, but I didn't see the master bathroom. She showed me her 10-year-old daughter, Katie's pink butterfly room, and then the room I was to share with her 16 year old son. It was blue. Not a light blue, not a navy blue, but a pale, powder blue. There was a bed for me. I wondered how long it'd been there, or if it had always been there for some of the other kids they had taken in. I wondered if their son Kendall had to share a room with many, many strangers.

"So, um, let's go get your bags so you can…"

Her voice trailed off when Kelso shook her head.

I lifted my backpack higher. "This is it. My crowning glory."

Mrs. Knight shifted her eyes. "Well, we'll fix that," she said hastily, and proceeded to tell me where I could put my belongings. My toothbrush, in the bathroom. My clothes, in the bottom two drawers. The photo of my brother went in my pillow case. And that was all I had.

Kelso didn't stay to listen to the rules the Knight's had for me. "We've had a few kids before," Mrs. Knight said, "and we find it easier for kids to adjust having guidelines and a routine. We get along with each other. We're a family, we try to be happy, and try to keep each other happy. We worship God. I'm not saying that you have to, but I am just asking you respect it.

"We attend church on Sundays as a family. I would like it very much if you attended at least once or twice, and if you honestly hate it I won't ask you to go again. We do not cuss, and we do not use the Lord's name in vain. We do not smoke, or drink, and you are not to bring _any_ girls into this house unless Ken or I are here. Your curfew on weekends is eleven, nine on school nights; you go no where at all unless someone knows where you are.

"I ask you to try your best in school. I ask you to _always_ be honest. I ask you to treat my family, my house, my church with respect. And now that you're apart of the family I ask you to treat yourself with respect."

She looked at me as if waiting for a response.

I had nothing to say.

"Dinner," she continued, "is precisely at seven o'clock every evening. Tuesdays are Trivia nights."

"Just out of curiosity," I said, knowing I'd end up swearing, and smoking pot, "what is the consequence of breaking any of these rules?"

"It depends on how serious of the offense. Please don't break the rules, Logan. I don't want to have to punish you. I'm not here to be the bad guy, I'm here to help you. Ken and I are here to help make you the person you want to be. We're here to help you find yourself, and what you really want in your life, and then we just guide you right to that place."

It was silently awkward after that, and Mr. Knight said, "Well, Logan, if you want to settle upstairs or just look around, explore outside, go ahead. It's weird, I know, but this is your house, too, now."

I wondered if they had known I'd been very unlucky with families. I had a hard time settling, and I wasn't sure how long I'd last here before I got kicked out, or ran away. I didn't know a thing about them yet, and I still wasn't used to living with strangers. My anxiety, obviously, had calmed down since I was a kid, and I was capable of staying with strangers, but these people seemed…different. They seemed like the kind of family that wouldn't be able to handle all my burdens.

I bopped around the house a little, Mr. Knight was in his office, Mrs. Knight went to go pick up Katie from her friend's. I didn't wonder about Katie or Kendall; this situation had happened in the past, and when I'd met the kids, they were just…we don't really need to talk about it. I just didn't want to assume anything.

I was in the kitchen looking for something to drink when I heard the door open and close. "DAD! I'm HOME!"

Then, I saw him. Tall, like his parents, blonde, like his father, nose, like his father, lips, like his mother. "Oh, hey," he said upon seeing me. "You must be Logan."

"Damn. What gave it away?"

He laughed. "I don't know, maybe the fact that there was a teenager named Logan who was supposed to be here today, and you're a teenager, standing in my kitchen, looking into the fridge."

I quickly closed the fridge.

"Well, I'm Kendall," he said. Kendall was a very happy, energetic person. "I am your roommate, I guess. We'll go to school together. Wait, what grade are you in?"

I had to think. I didn't really even know. What grade I was in. I'd been moved around so many times, the last grade I remembered completing fully was eighth grade. "I'm not really sure," I said. "I just…I don't know."

"Well, how old are you?"

"I'm _supposed_ to be in eleventh grade," I said. "I just don't know if that's where I'm actually at."

"Well, mom will figure that out. Mom knows everything. You'll learn that quickly."

I nodded, agreeing.

"So, how long have you been with the service?"

I scrunched my brows. "How long _have_ _you_?"

He looked confused. "I'm not a foster child."

I blinked. "I know…I meant, how long has your family been harboring us fugitives?"

He laughed. "Riiiiight. A few years, I guess. The first kid we had came in when I was ten. Katie was four. The kid was thirteen. He didn't leave till he was seventeen. Mom cried for days. Then we had another kid, who was thirteen and I was fourteen, and he left about nine months ago. Now you're here."

"Doesn't this feel like a hotel? Don't you get sick of strangers just bombarding into your house?"

"No. I don't think of it like that. Everyone has their own story, and we all try to create our own adventures. I try to make an impact on as many peoples lives as I can. How am I doing so far?"

I smiled. "Not too bad, actually."

"Just so you're aware ahead of time," said Kendall, "I have a tendency to say extremely offensive things. So do my friends. But we never mean it. Like, I might say something that could really hurt your feelings and I wouldn't think anything of it. Like, I'm really insensitive."

I shrugged. "Just so you're aware ahead of time, I have a tendency to be an asshole and break rules."

"Hey," he said, "you do what you gotta do, man. That's all that I do."

I liked Kendall almost immediately. The thing about him was he wasn't awkward. He spoke to me genuinely, as if I had been his best friend our entire life, as if he knew every thing about me, and I knew everything about him. It wasn't something that had usually happened. I thought it was rather nice.

"Oh," he added, "by the way. My sister, Katie, biggest brat on the planet."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said, doing my best not to believe it.

"So, where are you from?" he asked, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter and biting into it.

"Minnesota."

He laughed, and apple juice landed noticeably on the counter. He wiped it with the sleeve of his shirt. "I'm aware," he said, "but, I meant what part of Minnesota?"

"Well, I grew up in Itasca," I said, "but for the past few years I've been in the Crow Wings, Stearns and Swift area. Now here I am in Jackson. Have you lived here your whole life?"

"Not in this house specifically, but in this general area, yeah. It's not really important."

"So, why'd you ask?"

"For conversation purposes only. I actually can't even remember your answer. I'm just kidding, I remember. Itasca, Crow Wings, Stearns, Swift. Sorry, I had some RedBull at James's house and now I'm a _little_ hyper. Not exactly a great first impression, but when there's RedBull in front of me, I've got to take it."

"So…what do you do for fun? Drink RedBull?"

"That, and play hockey. We play hockey. Me, Carlos and James, I mean. we're on a team. We're pretty good, but I mean, we need improvement because we haven't won in a while. It's kind of depressing, but we always have fun doing it. What do you do for fun?"

He spoke very, very quickly that I was a little taken aback by the sudden question at the end of it. "Oh, umm…"

"Foster kids have fun sometimes, too right?"

I blinked.

"Oh. Dang. See? I told you I say offensive things."

"Don't even worry about it. I'm a _foster kid_. I'm used to offensive things being said to me. My life actually kind of builds off of that."

"That's not cool."

"It's all I know."

"Well, I'll help change that."

"Good luck."

"Hey. Thank you."

When Mrs. Knight came home with Katie, the girl was instantly my 'mini-me'. Not because we were a lot alike. Not because I wanted her to follow me around. But because she felt the need to. She had dark hair, and dark eyes, and looked a lot like her mother. But, she was short. It probably had something to do with her only being ten.

And, she asked a lot of questions.

"Where are you from?"

"When's your birthday?"

"Why is the sky blue?"

"What is the point of pi? I mean, I know it's important, but _why_ so important?"

"How many times a day does a rabbit poop?"

"What is 'swagger' and why must a boy have it?"

"How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? I'm pretty sure it's more than three."

"Why didn't Batman just kill the Joker? It couldn't have been that hard."

"What is the best brand of bread?"

"How _did_ the turtle win against the rabbit? It just seems _impossible!_"

"Why does is snow so much in Minnesota during the winter and not at all in California?"

"What is the best book you've ever read?"

"How many times a day do you use the word 'it'?"

"What is the point of juice boxes? Why can't we just use cups?"

"Who would want to kill all the animals in Africa?"

"Why is world hunger such an issue?"

"Why would America vote for Obama, knowing he can't change what he said he could?"

"Why am I afraid of mice?"

The list goes on. I ended up spending my entire first day at the Knight's house listening to Katie ask a thousand questions. She even followed me to the bedroom I was to share with Kendall after dinner, which was delicious and awkward for me. The family, honestly, treated me like I had been there my whole life. It was just weird to be apart of a family like this because it had never happened to me before.

My first, original family was awful. We never ate together, but they were my parents, and I love them. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I do. The twelve families between my parents and the Knight's were awkward. I didn't even eat dinner with half of them, and for three of them I left before dinner even happened.

There was something different about the Knight's. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know why. If you were to tell me two years prior I'd be comfortable in a family with a preacher and two annoying kids, I'd tell you you were nuts. As I sat at the dinner table that night, not saying a word, bowing my head as Katie said prayers, and Mr. Knight informed God they were blessed to have us in their home, I thought of my mother.

My mother who had left me with my father. My mother who had witnessed, and was fully aware of all the things he'd done. My mother, who I couldn't help but miss.

That night, the first night I spent with the Knight's, I had decided I wasn't going to run away. I was going to give this family a chance. As I laid in my bed, my own bed, and I listened to Kendall's snoring, I was haunted by the fact that they might not like me as much as I liked them, and that tomorrow they could say, "goodbye" and not want me in their house anymore. _Especially _if they ever found out how dirty and worthless I was.

* * *

Sorry if that was long and boring. It'll pick up, I promise. (:


	3. Days 2 & 3

Thoughts: ah. The feedback is like fueling this. I just want to write it forever and ever and I haven't felt this way about a story in a longggg time. So thanks for bringing that back to me. (:

* * *

Day 2.

Kendall woke me up very, very early the next morning. He was up at six, going from his closet to his drawers on the dresser, then back to his closet. He was getting frustrated, obviously not finding what he was looking for.

I sat up slowly. "Do you always get up at six o'clock on Saturday?"

He jumped, not knowing I was up. He then seemed mad at himself for this action. "Sorry," he said, grumpily.

"What did you lose? Maybe I can help you look for it or something."

"My skates. I could have sworn I put them in my closet!"

"So why are you looking in your drawers?" I asked.

"Don't be a smart alec," he requested. "I just need to find them. It's just kind of _hard_ when they're not where I thought they were."

I rubbed my eyes, got up out of my bed and went into Kendall's closet. I picked the shirt Kendall wore yesterday up off floor, picked up the skates that were under it, and held them out to Kendall. "They're always where you think they are," I said. "Can we go back to bed now?"

He looked at me, appalled. "You should come to the rink with me today," he said finally. "We're practicing hockey. Have you ever played?"

"Um, yeah."

"Do you want to play?"

"Um, no."

"Why not?"

"It's not my thing," I said. "We don't talk about it."

"Ooookay then. You should still come and watch, though. We're getting a lot better."

"Are you on a team?"

"Yeah. James, Carlos and I are on the Minnesota Mad Dogs."

"Oh, the Minnesota Mad Dogs."

"It's a community team. Not a school team, God no. Our school is not the Mad Dogs. Our school is The Hallows School for Boys."

I had to do a double take. "You're joking," I begged.

He grinned. "I am. But the look on your face was worth it. Anyway, are you going to come?"

I shrugged. "I guess, if you _really_ want me to go-"

"I do," said Kendall.

I shifted my eyes. "Um, okay. So, I guess I'm going. What time are we leaving?"

"Ten, as in four hours."

He was very annoying. The thing with Kendall was that he was the same, no matter what time of day. From the moment he woke up, to the moment he went to bed, he was the same, happy, go-lucky, loud, adventurous Kendall that he was at his best. Kendall was _always_ at his best.

I flopped back onto my bed. "Don't waste away the day sleeping, Logan," he said, "you never know what's waiting for you somewhere else."

I blinked. "But I'm tired, so I don't really care what's waiting for me. It can wait, or it's not important."

He looked at me in a disapproving manner. He did not seem amused with me. "Come on," he said, smiling, making a gesture that I just could not resist.

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "Now what?"

"Well, I don't know. I don't have hockey for four hours," he grinned, then left the room.

I sighed and went out into the hall, looking at Katie who was sitting outside of the room I shared with Kendall. She startled me a bit. "Katie," I said, "what are you doing?"

She stood up. "I was waiting for you," she said, "to get up. You sleep late."

"It's six o'clock," I said, "I usually don't get up till twelve."

"Actually, it's six thirteen," she correct. "I don't see how you could sleep till twelve, I mean, that's just the craziest thing I've ever heard! You must get bored!"

I blinked. I didn't want to say anything mean, so I just continued to walk down the hallway. "Is Kendall in there?" I asked, pointing to the bathroom.

"Nope, I think he went downstairs."

She was wrong.

When I opened the door Kendall was in there; I didn't see anything, thank god. He had just been pulling up his pants when I walked in. He started laughing. "Never trust Katie," he said, going over to the sink to wash his hands.

I fled the room, closing the door on my way out. I waited in the hall for him to come out, then I crept in immediately avoiding him, closing the door and locking it. I had been embarrassed about that situation.

After I showered and brushed my teeth, I headed downstairs. Mrs. Knight was in the kitchen with Kendall and Katie. Mr. Knight was no where to be seen. "Ken is at the church," she said excitedly, "It's reopening for Sunday tomorrow and there is still so much to do, but I'm so excited to have our church back. This is such exciting news. Are you hungry?"

One of the first things I learned about Mrs. Knight was that she was a very, very random lady.

"Oh, um, no," I said. "I don't eat breakfast."

"Oh," she said, "okay. So, Kendall, if you and the guys want to swing by the church after practice and help place the pews, that would help your father out a lot. He's going to be there all day getting it ready."

"Yeah, mom," said Kendall. "We'll stop by I guess."

Kendall guessed at a lot of things he already knew the answer to.

Mrs. Knight smiled. "Thank you. I'm sure Dad will appreciate it. Logan, sweetie, are you sure you don't want anything? I can make you coffee or something…?"

"No thanks, I'm okay."

"Why don't you eat breakfast?" Katie asked.

"I don't know…I never have."

"You've never eaten breakfast?"

"Well, I have before, but not often. It just makes me sick."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not used to eating breakfast."

"Why?"

"Katie, enough," said Mrs. Knight; she looked at me. "I'm sorry. She likes to ask questions."

I made a face as if to say, 'obviously' but said nothing and patiently waited for ten o'clock to roll around.

We left the house at nine, got to the place at nine-thirty. I immediately went to find something to drink, and Kendall immediately went to the locker rooms. I got a water from the concession stand and found a seat in the empty stands.

About twenty minutes later, twelve guys skated out onto the ice, six wearing red, six wearing blue. I had assumed (I know, I know, I didn't want to) that the other teammates did not religiously practice with Kendall and his friends. I knew which one was Kendall, because he was the only one in red with black skates. All the others had white ones. I watched them practice, and I was floored, and I didn't mean in a good way.

I couldn't help but laugh at them. Their form was all wrong, their aim sucked. They had no idea what they were doing out there. It appeared to me all they had wanted to do was beat each other up till someone scored.

Once they heard me laughing, they stopped and turned at me. One of them ripped off his helmet. His matted hair was shiny, and he had a very feminine look to him, in my opinion. His lips were pink, his cheeks matched, and his complexion was perfect. "Who the hell is that?" he questioned.

"Relax, James," said Kendall, taking off his helmet, too. "He's with me." Kendall then looked at me. "_Why_ are you laughing?"

"I just have a question," I said, standing up, getting closer to everybody. "Have you guys ever _played_ hockey?"

"Are you joking!" James had shouted, "We were kicking butt!"

"Yeah," I agreed. "You were kicking butt. But you weren't playing hockey."

"Do you want me to pound your face in?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Have _you_ ever played hockey?"

"I think this kid needs a reality check."

They all started shouting these at once.

I chuckled.

"We've been playing hockey for years," Kendall said calmly.

"And how many games have you won?"

Silence.

I shifted my eyes. "Exactly. You're going about this all wrong. You don't know how to pass, you don't know where to look or where to focus, and you cannot possibly win without being focused."

"I don't-"

"James," said Kendall, "I'm interested to hear what he has to say."

So I explained to them what they were doing wrong. James and Carlos were the most unfocused of them. Carlos, the goalie, needed to keep his eye and focus on the puck the entire time. He had to watch his team, and his team had to make sure he saw all their moves. James, defense, had to keep his head in the game and not let his mind wander on to other things. Jason, forward, had to keep two hands on his hockey stick at all times. Patrick, forward, needed some serious slapshot work. He wasn't nearly as strong as he needed to be to work center. Benjy, defense, needed to actually _defend_ the forwards for the puck.

Kendall seemed to be the strongest player on the team, and he clearly knew it, as he was _all_ over the place and playing every part. He needed to calm his ass down and stick to where he belonged.

James threatened to beat me up three times. The entire team wanted to beat me up three times but Kendall didn't allow this; "Just take the critique, assholes," he had told them, and I had been shocked to hear him curse but didn't let it read.

So, I guessed I hadn't made a good impression on some of Kendall's friends, but I didn't really care. I waited for Kendall by the door. It took about twenty minutes before the team to come out, and they all stared me down as they walked by. I was definitely much smaller than everyone on the team and I was slightly embarrassed by it, but I didn't cower, or show fear, or lack confidence. I stood there, with that asshole expression I carried.

Kendall, James, and Carlos, who were Kendall's best friends, were the last ones in the long line of players, and James who was even taller than Kendall who was 5'11, glared at me, and I smirked back.

"You don't seem amused," I said.

"I'm _not_ at all amused."

"James," Kendall said, "come on, you know he was right. Let's just go help my dad with those pews. Maybe he'll give us money to get pizza for lunch."

We I walked behind them as they lead the way to the church. Eventually, Carlos fell a step behind and was walking next to me and struck up a conversation. "So, watch the puck and my teammates?" he said.

I nodded. "Yeah. That's the best strategy for you. Don't worry about the other team or what they do to your team because they'll be okay. Just don't let that puck get past you."

"Got it. So, you're Kendall's new roommate or whatever?"

"Yeah," I said. "That's me. But it's more of the whatever, not the roommate."

"Huh?"

"…never mind."

The church was simple. It was a simple white church, long, with one obvious tower. At the top of the tower was a stained glass window of a cross. The front doors where huge and wooden, and I felt very small walking into it.

When you first walk into this church, it's not the Sanctuary. It's like a foyer, with coat racks, and then there is another set of very large doors which is the Sanctuary. This particular Sanctuary happened to be the largest one I'd ever seen, even though I'd only been in three churches including this one. There were no pews up yet, but that's what we were going to do.

The nave, the place where the congregation sits, was near the front of the Sanctuary if you consider the entrance in the back. Then, the chancel, was very large and elegantly designed. Stairs on either side of it, and it was very large. All of the pews were actually stuffed onto the chancel, as well as a single stand thing that the preacher stands in front of as he gives his speech called the lectern.

We stood there silently for a moment, before Kendall startled everyone by shouting, "DAD! WE'RE HERE!"

Mr. Knight appeared from behind a door that was behind the chancel area. "Kendall," he said firmly, "don't yell in a church."

"It's not a church yet," Kendall argued.

Mr. Knight's big blue eyes shifted. "Do _not_ argue with me," he said firmly. "Start getting these pews up. I've marked where they go with tape. Take the tape off once the pews are where they go. There is a screw gun and bolts in the backroom. Bolt the pews down firmly," then he turned to Carlos, James and I. "Thank you for helping. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, it's no problem," said Carlos.

"Our pleasure," said James.

I faked a smile.

Kendall and his friends put their hockey stuff on the ground near the entrance and we headed towards the pews. Ten splinters, two cuts, and three hours later, we had all the pews set in. James and Carlos laid them down on one side, Kendall and I put some on the other, and then we all went back to bolt them in; and then we placed the lectern in the middle of the chancel. There were three stray pews, and Mr. Knight told us to place them neatly on the chancel.

It was almost four when we were done and Mr. Knight gave Kendall twenty dollars for pizza. "Don't eat a lot; mom is making dinner for seven," he reminded us before handing the money.

I felt like an outcast following them around Jackson; I didn't know anything about Jackson. It was the first time I'd ever been in this town. I knew Itasca very well, and I knew Swift very well. But Jackson was not my territory.

We got to this pizza parlor which was about a thirty minute walk from Kendall's house. He ordered the pizza, and we sat at a table waiting.

Kendall started humming the tune to Surfer Girl by the Beach Boys and Carlos and James stated to arm wrestle. By the third time Carlos's arm bumped me I wished I'd sat next to Kendall.

When the waitress brought out the pizza, they all took a slice and started to mow face.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Carlos asked, sauce flying out of his mouth. I wiped my face, just to be sure.

"No," I said, "I don't eat lunch."

Carlos and James shrugged it off, but Kendall did this semi double-take at me, giving me a weird look and pushing the situation aside.

Kendall decided that he was absolutely tired of walking home, so he used the phone to call his mom for a ride, while Carlos and James started walking to their homes. We waited inside.

"Why don't you eat all day?"

I felt awkward. I seemed to have felt awkward around Kendall a lot. I'm not sure if he was doing it on purpose, but it was starting to get annoying.

"I don't like to eat," I said, "is that a crime?"

"It's unusual. You're a teenager, teenagers _love_ to eat. I eat like, six times a day."

"I'm not you."

"Carlos and James eat six times a day, too. Almost every teenager I know eats all the time. You're the only one."

I shrugged and made a quick face at him before looking out the window. I didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't anorexic or anything, I just never ate as a kid and I had a hard time eating more than once a day. It wasn't a big deal to me. Kendall was just going to have to get used to my habits, as I were to get used to his.

Mrs. Knight pulled up in the red Honda and Katie was in the front. Kendall placed his hockey bag in the trunk, and we got in the car.

"Hi boys," she said as we got in. "How's the church looking? Will it be ready for the morning?"

"Well, the sermon room is ready, so yes. Dad was right on schedule," said Kendall. "I'm not so sure about his office, though. It's a mess."

"Well, it might take a little longer than we thought to get you into that other room, Logan."

I looked up, having heard my name. "Oh, um, it's okay."

Mr. Knight did not join us for dinner that evening. In fact, I didn't see him for the rest of the night, or the next morning.

Day 3.

Mrs. Knight gave me a black suit and red tie to wear to church. The sleeves and pants were a little long and I was forced to roll them and look stupid, but I figured I always looked pretty stupid so it didn't matter. Kendall dressed up in his dark blue suit with a gray tie. Katie and Mrs. Knight wore dresses.

We watched as Mr. Knight in his robes greeted back church members, and Mrs. Knight joined them. Kendall, Katie and I watched from the big oak tree in the middle of the yard. Mr. and Mrs. Knight pointed us out to some of the members, and we felt awkward.

"It happens every week," said Kendall. "Mom and Dad always point us out and _gloat_ about how big we are getting. It's sickening."

"I think it's sweet," said Katie. "They just love us."

We sat at the front of the church as Mr. Knight started the sermon.

"Welcome back! I'm so happy that our church is finally finished after that dreadful fire last year, and I'm so very, very pleased to see everyone again. I would like to thank all of those who volunteered, and helped to rebuild our beloved place of worship. I ask you all to pray with me now right now, to our God, for him giving us back our church."

I looked around biting my middle fingernail as everyone bowed their heads and began to pray.

"Amen," said Mr. Knight, and then he got on a pew and smiled at everyone.

"I'm standing on this pew," continued Mr. Knight, "because I have faith that this pew -" he fell off the pew. I burst out laughing. Everyone stared at me. Kendall had my back and started laughing, too, which caused the entire room to burst out laughing, even Mr. Knight, who stood up laughing, and said, "I still have faith in that pew," and pointed at it. He patted the pew and walked back over to the lectern.

"I _had_ faith in that pew that it would hold my weight for me, but I know that I have to hold my own weight."

"That's a lot of weight," Kendall mumbled to me.

I looked at him and grinned, not expecting that at all. The relationship between Kendall and his father was not what I had thought it was and it would be soon where I learned that.

Mr. Knight continued to talk, and then the Congregation and choir stood up and sang songs, and the crowed got really into it. I mean, there were people on their feet, stomping, dancing like they were in clubs. Well, maybe not clubs, more like drunken country clubs.

At the end of the sermon, Mr. Knight and Mrs. Knight started to talk to more of the people as they left. It was unusually hot for October, and Kendall had taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. I myself had unbuttoned my coat and loosened my tie.

"We're not staying," said Kendall, and he grabbed my wrist, and we started walking. I shook him off.

"Where are we going?" I asked. "I don't want to-"

"We're going home."

"I don't understand why-"

"Logan," he said, standing in front of me to face it. "I just want you to follow me home cooperatively. Got it?"

"Well, I'm not stupid, I understand, I just don't get _why_ -"

"I want to show you something, okay? Gees!" He started walking and I followed. He was mumbling, "Can't even try to show a guy something without him shoving words down my throat, like the entire alphabet. This is ridiculous. I'm a great person. Man, I need RedBull."

Kendall mumbled the whole way home and when we got home he crossed through the yard to the back yard. Then, he told me to follow him and I did, and he lead me to the woods behind his house. After walking for about fifteen minutes, we were in this big, beautiful, open field. It was absolutely gorgeous. It was about three square acres of green, green grass with patches of brown, and flowers that were starting to die from the season change.

"This is - "

"My place," he said. "This is my field. I come here every day, especially to just get away. I _hate_ Sundays, and I _hate_ church."

"You hate church?"

"Yep. It's not my thing. I believe in God, and I do love Jesus, but I don't believe that I should have to study Him because of that. I think I should be able to believe what I want, without having a set story. My father doesn't see it that way. It just makes me mad because I think that you don't have to love just one person, and you don't have to follow all these rules…I don't like rules."

"I don't like rules either," I said.

"You're awfully quiet to not like rules, there, buddy."

"I'm quiet because I don't really know you. You try being thrown into a house full of strangers."

"Hey," he said, "I know we make it easy."

"It's _easier_," I said, "but it's never easy. Anyway…why are you telling me all this?"

"Who do you think I can talk to this about? My father? Absolutely not. My mother? Forget about it. James and Carlos are airheads, and Katie is ten. I can't tell this to anyone else. I trust you anyway. I just want to break out of this Hell hole and be able to do what I want, without having to worry about breaking this rules. I want to eat beef on Fridays, damn it."

"Wait- what?"

"Dad doesn't believe that we can eat meat on Fridays. I don't know, I wasn't exactly paying attention to him when he told me about it like, fifteen thousand times, but it's just dumb to me. I didn't even know that that was part of our religion, but apparently my father has to have a little bit of _everything _to make my life miserable. That's what it seems like anyway."

I again felt awkward. I had met this kid three days ago and he was already telling me all this…but in a way I kind of enjoyed it. Kendall was humble and he treated me like a family member, like a brother. Something I'd never experienced before. It was intriguing.

"Well, he _is a preacher,_" I pointed out. "Religion kind of is his forte. You're a kid, it's your nature to rebel."

"Yeah," he agreed. "You're right. …What about you? Don't you rebel?"

"I'm really easy-going," I said, "I don't really care about anything, and I let things slide. I don't let anything get to me. But you don't want to piss me off. I'm one tough little sucker."

"Did you ever think you'd be taller if you actually ate once in a while?"

"Hey," I said, "don't start with that again. I ate at dinner, and that was more than enough. Anyway, what do you do out here?"

"I usually write songs," he said. "And if you tell anyone that, I'll skin you."

I laughed. "Why? I think that's cool."

"Nobody else does. This is Minnesota."

I tilted my head to the side as if to say, 'good point' and he sighed.

"Well…if it makes you feel any better, I write songs too. Well, I mean, I have. Before. In the past." My eyes shifted awkwardly as if I had just confessed my biggest secret. Which, in all actuality, I had confessed my smallest. But Kendall had a way of making me believe I could say anything without having to worry about being judged. I just knew he was trustworthy. I just knew he'd make a great therapist to me in some way, and for that, I did not want to leave the Knight's house. It was weird to think that I hadn't even wanted to come in the first place.

He smiled. "Actually, it does."

* * *

Note: I honest to God know nothing about hockey or church. I used google for a little help so if anything is wrong, I apologize. I also apologize if this is long and boring, or if I am messing the story up. My bad. Thanks for reading. Expect school in the next chapter. (:


	4. Days 4 & 5

Thoughts: yeah, pretty much head over heels with the feedback. I hope I can still keep you entertained.  


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Day 4.

Kendall woke me up at six to get ready for school. Mrs. Knight was taking me in to get tested to find out my school levels to see what grade I was actually in. I hadn't been in a school for more than two weeks, and the last grade I remember finishing was eighth. Mrs. Knight had planned on me staying for a long time, it had seemed. And honestly, I kind of wanted to.

Kendall took off to his classes immediately, and I went in to the office with Mrs. Knight. She talked to the principal for a while, and then she left, leaving me alone in the room with him. As usual, I felt awkward and slightly socially panicked but I kept my cool.

The principal, Mr. Tanner, spoke with me for a few minutes about the tests I was about to take. "They will include questions the average eleventh grader would know. Also, there will be questions that are very easy, like fifth grade, and eighth grade questions. Take your time. Relax."

I sat in a room by myself all day taking this test. The math, science, and history stuff was easy, but it was the reading comprehension that got me. I finished the test around eleven, and I had gotten to the school at seven thirty.

"How was it? Not too bad?"

"Not too bad," I agreed.

"Okay, so I've come up with a special plan for you. In order to graduate, the students here work throughout their high school careers to complete a portfolio in which they will have to present and pass in their senior year. Obviously, you cannot reach this requirement. It's impossible to get your records, or any school work you've ever done. Especially because you haven't had stability, which is what you need, you need to stay grounded.

"I'm going to review your test tonight and I will let you know your results in the morning. I'll give you a tour and Mr. Killian, who will be your guidance counselor, will make you a schedule based on these scores and what classes you are interested in taking. Okay?"

I nodded. "Sounds okay to me."

Mrs. Knight was waiting in the parking lot when I exited the building. "Did you wait here the whole time?" I asked, getting into the red Honda.

"No," she laughed, "Mr. Tanner told me when to come back by estimating what time you'd finish the test."

"Oh, um, okay."

"Was the test easy for you?"

"Some of it."

"Want to go out for lunch?"

"I don't eat lunch."

"You don't eat breakfast _or_ lunch?" she questioned. I should have known she was going to be just like Kendall and make a big deal out of nothing. "That-"

"It's no big deal," I shrugged it off. "I don't eat a lot, that's just me. Please don't press me about it."

"I just worry about your nutrition…"

"I'm healthy as a horse," I said, "promise."

"Hey, do you mind if we stop at the church on the way home? Ken wanted me to help sort files in the office. You don't have to help, you could explore the church a little if you'd like."

"I don't mind," I said. I wasn't going to say no, I mean, I had nothing else to do.

We drove to the church and we got out. Mrs. Knight went straight to the office and I went in the sermon room and followed the stairs that I had seen yesterday. Up the stairs, to the left, where the stained glass window was, was a big, black grand piano.

I smiled at it, thinking of my grandmother.

My teenaged parents lived with my grandmother, my mother's mother. She had never known what had been going on; she was gravely ill since the moment I met her. But, boy, that woman loved to play piano. And she loved to teach me. By the time I was five, I could play piano extraordinarily well, and could read music. After my grandmother died, I still played. I played because it reminded me of her. I played because while I did, nothing else in the world could hurt me. Not my dad. Three days after her death was the day my dad told me the secret.

I sat at the piano and ran my fingers along it. I took in a deep breath. Oh, how I had missed these familiar keys. I hadn't played piano in years, and I the second I hit one note, I remembered every song that I'd ever learned. I started with my grandmother's favorite, Fur Elise, and made my way to Beethoven's Pathetique, in C minor.

After that, afraid someone was going to come looking for me, I went down the stairs and into the office.

"Hey," said Mrs. Knight. "Find anything interesting?"

"Not really," I answered. "How about you?"

She smiled. "Oh, everything in this room is interesting." She was very sarcastic about it. She did not seem thrilled to be filing papers. Mr. Knight was no where to be seen.

"Where's-?"

"He's at someone's home; when someone is dying, he goes there to make sure they get into Heaven."

"Someone's dying?"

"He is old," she said, sighing, "he's ninety eight. People die every day; it's the cycle of life. It's always sad, but God always is there to protect us, and our souls. Remember, he only takes the best."

"Doesn't God love everybody, _and_ take everybody?"

"Because everybody is the best."

"What about the murderers and the child molesters? What about the people who are worthless? What about that guy who killed his baby daughters and used their bodies as-"

"Logan," she cut me off. "God has a way of teaching people their lessons before they can get into Heaven. They have to be at peace, or they will be stuck in front of the gates forever. He wouldn't have created them if there wasn't a reason for their existence."

My eyes shifted. "Mrs. Knight, what does God think about those people? I mean, didn't he want something different for them? He couldn't possibly want those people to hurt other people."

"I'm afraid God can only guide those who are willing to be guided."

I contemplated this. "Mrs. Knight, how do you find your God?"

She smiled softly at me. "You just follow what you believe in, and believe that no harm can come to you."

"What if _that_ was the problem?" I thought aloud. I was thinking about my father, because I didn't make it obvious. My father was cruel, and rotten and he was really, really messed up in the head. Is entire life he'd had problems, and he just passed those onto me. But he was schizophrenic and he'd been in the hospitals when I was first born. That's what made my mom crazy, having to take care of me without him. She was lucky to have my grandma, but at the same time not so lucky because Grandma was very sick and sometimes needed to be taken care of.

Mom couldn't handle that. She couldn't handle me and Grandma, and then Dad when he came back, and she thought it was easier for her if she just let him do what he had to do. He beat her, too, and she didn't want to get hit. She didn't want to get involved and send him back to the crazy house when it came to him hitting me.

My mom did an awful job of taking care of my brother, and I ended up learning how to care for him the best I could. She just didn't care. She just drank all the time. She was depressed. She lived in the basement of her boyfriends' parents house, her mother was dead, she had post partum depression and wanted to kill her baby, and her boyfriend was a maniac and beat her and her kid. He never really hit my brother, thank God.

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Never mind," I said, not wanting to talk about it with her.

She looked disappointed, but didn't press it further. "Well, I'm almost done here," she said, "There was only a few left. I had been working on it while you were at the school."

"Um, okay," I said.

"So, what is your favorite dinner? If that's all you eat, I want to make it special for ya."

"…I don't really know…I guess chicken…?" I had never in my life thought about my favorite food. I'd always had chicken when I was younger. My mom loved chicken. Fried chicken, crispy chicken, grilled chicken, chicken nuggets, chicken flavored gravy, anything chicken, she always made chicken. Sometimes macaroni.

She smiled. "You guess chicken?"

"Yeah."

She laughed, but I didn't know why because I wasn't being funny. "You're so serious about everything," she said. "Loosen up a little. _Relax_."

"I'm sorry," I said seriously.

She chuckled, "Oh, Logan."

Mrs. Knight wanted to take me shopping to get me some clothes and supplies for school. I didn't want this to happen; I did not want her to waste her money on me.

"Don't be silly," she had said. "Not only do I want to buy you clothes, I'm obligated to. I'll tell you a thousand times, while your in my house, you'll be treated like one of my own kids. My kids have more than two outfits and a pencil."

"Hey," I said, "That pencil is a winner."

I got some notebooks and some mechanical pencils that had cost three dollars for a pack of two, but Mrs. Knight had honestly _insisted_ I get those pencils because they were her favorite. I also got pens and three outfits and a pair of shoes where my toe didn't stick out the front. Let me tell you, I did not mind shopping with Mrs. Knight. She let me do my own thing, find my own things, as she browsed through racks in the woman's section.

I was really bored within the one hour it took for Kendall to come home after I did. I had put my stuff away, and was tapping my fingers on my headboard, waiting. But I had found an object in the closet that was rather interesting to me. Kendall had a guitar. It wasn't anything special, an acoustic by Yamaha, a nice guitar, worth about three hundred dollars. Scratches on it told me it was used often.

I left the guitar where it was, not wanting to invade Kendall's personal space. He came home and put his backpack near the door.

"How was the test?" he asked, flopping down on his bed.

"It was okay," I said from my bed. "How was school?"

"It was okay," he said. "I failed my Geometry test, though. Mom's not going to be too happy. I just don't get along with shapes."

"I could probably help you. I'm pretty good at math."

"Maybe later, my brain has done enough schoolwork for a while."

I was really good at math. I didn't know what it was, I just _got_ it. It didn't confuse me, it wasn't hard. You worked for the answer, and there was only one. You just had to find the exact possibility, which was easy for my brain to do. It just came to me easily. It was words that confused me.

"Are you nervous about the results?"

"No," I said, "I honestly couldn't care less."

"Well, _that's_ a great attitude," he said sarcastically.

I couldn't help but smile and shrug. "It just doesn't matter to me."

"Are you depressed? Do you need like a therapist to prescribe you Prozac or something?"

I laughed hard at that one. "Kendall," I said, "you're too much for me."

"It's not a joke. If you're depressed-"

"I'm not going to kill myself or anything."

I'd tried before. It didn't work out in my favor.

"You should get some help."

"I'll think about it," I said, "you keep your mouth closed. I can handle this."

"You should care about yourself more."

"It's not that easy."

"Yeah, it is. You just…look in the mirror and think, man, I'm awesome. That's what I do."

I was a little frustrated. "_You_ didn't spend your entire life being convinced otherwise," I stated.

"What do you mean?"

I sighed and let my head fall back, looking up and studying the swirls on the ceiling. They were perfect. I didn't want to have to spell it out for him, but he wanted me to. I had appreciated Kendall and I wanted him to trust me. And if I didn't talk to him, he wouldn't. I didn't know what it was, but Kendall was different than any other person I'd met.

"I _mean_ that for as long as I can remember, all the people in my life kept reminding me of how useless I am. I just can't look in the mirror and think I'm awesome because I've never liked myself."

"Why don't you like yourself? You -"

"I can't turn it on and off," I said. "You just don't get it."

"Help me to."

"Not right now. My brain has done enough on this topic for a while."

He tried not to smile at that. Kendall really liked when people copied what he said. He was a natural leader and it was obvious.

Kendall said, "Wanna play Guitar Hero? I have it for Xbox."

"We could play _real_ guitars," I said.

"You saw?"

"Saw what?"

"The guitar."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You just…? You just said we should play real guitars!"

"We should."

"So then you saw!"

"Saw what?"

"The guitar."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You said we should play guitars!"

"We should."

"So you saw!"

"Saw WHAT.?"

"THE GUITAR." His hands went in the air, his fingers spread apart and he shook his arms.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." This was getting amusing.

"Dude," he said, "The guitar, in the closet. You saw it."

"I don-"

"LOGAN!"

"Just show me," I said.

I don't know if Kendall would ever know why I did that. I didn't want him to know that I saw the guitar before he showed it to me. Obviously there was a reason it was kept in the closet, and if he didn't want me to see it, I would feel awful for invading his space. I hated having to depend on his family, but that was something I had to get used to.

He got up, and pulled the guitar out of the closet. "This guitar," he said.

I studied it, as if looking at it for the first time. "It's nice."

"She's okay," he said, looking at it, too.

"'_She'_?" I questioned.

He looked towards the bottom of his guitar and smiled. "Well, she's not a boy."

I couldn't help but smile either. "Well, play something."

He shook his head. "Uh, I'd rather not."

"Why?"

"Would you play for me if you knew how?"

"…probably not."

"Exactly."

Day 5.

I got up for school with Kendall, and Mrs. Knight gave us a ride. She came inside, too; Mr. Tanner had asked her to come to get the results. I guess it was something moms did, I don't know. We went into the office and spoke with the secretary, who told me to go into the principal's office, which was inside the main office.

He was seated at his desk, with his coffee. "Aha," he said upon our entering. "I'm very pleased," he said, "very pleased indeed."

I shifted my eyes, glancing at Mrs. Knight.

We sat down as instructed and waited for him to start talking again. I felt awkward.

"You did exceptionally well on the math and science portions of the test. History was proficient. English was slightly less than satisfactory. You are at a 12th grade math level, which is spectacular. You are passed EPS and Biology, and you could probably take Chemistry if you wanted. History, probably US History II.

"How our scheduling works is we have two days: red and white. We have four classes on red days that last 88 minutes long, and we have four different classes on white days that last 88 minutes long. One of them will be a study hall. You are at a ninth grade reading comprehension level. What I can do for you is put you in English on both red and white days. You should be able to catch up by graduation.

"I want you to earn twelve credits from now till graduation, and I want you to create a senior project. It can be _absolutely anything_ you want. You just have to be able to present it. Does that sound easy?"

I nodded, agreeing it did sound pretty easy.

"So, I'm going to ask you to join Mr. Killian to do some scheduling. Mrs. Knight, I would like to speak with you…"

So Mr. Tanner escorted me to Mr. Killian's office. "This is Logan Mitchell," he said, "He's the one we talked about."

"Alright," said Mr. Killian. "Have a seat, Logan."

I sat down.

Mr. Tanner went back to his office and Mr. Killian looked at me. This man was short, tanish-red, gray hair, and wore a striped shirt that made him look like a candy cane, or Where's Waldo. "So, Logan, do you know what classes you're interested in taking?"

"Um, no."

"Well, we know you need two English classes. I've talked to Mrs. Rose, and she will have you in both of her ninth grade English classes and work with you explicitly. She is an excellent woman, and don't worry too much about being in a ninth grade class. There are sophomores and juniors in some of them, too. You'll have that class every day, second block. What do you want to take for math? Mr. Tanner says you're more advanced than Algebra 2, so we have trigonometry, and we have calculus, and we offer those in both college prep and honors."

"What's the difference?"

"Well, honors is a little bit more harder than college prep, you have to learn more, and you are expected to know more. It'd more advanced and moves much faster than college prep."

"Well, I guess I'll take Calculus, college prep."

"Okay, calculus will red four," he typed stuff into the computer. "You're considered a junior," he said, "And all juniors have gym this quarter, and health the next quarter. The quarter ends in November. Your gym is red one, which is today. What about science? We have animal science, physiology, chemistry…"

"Chemistry," I said, shrugging.

"Okay," he said, "Your chemistry will be red three."

"You have to have a history, and I would recommend U.S. History 2."

I nodded. "That's fine."

"That will be White 3," he said.

I had study hall white four, art white one, and English white two.

Mr. Killian showed me around the school, and it wasn't too hard to get. There were eight hallways. ABCDEF. A hall was the hall the office was in. B hall was the hall I had Calculus. C hall was the hall I had English. D hall was the hall I had gym. E hall was the hall I had chemistry and F hall was the hall I had art. I literally had one class in every hall.

Anyway, it was a big square, all the halls connected with each other, besides E and F, which both went off of the opposite ends of D hall. You couldn't possibly get lost because you'd just go in a circle.

Kendall was in my gym and chemistry classes, so that wasn't so bad. He compared my schedule to his and we also had U.S. History together. The school offered Vo-Tech courses, and Kendall was in Carpentry. He went over to the vocational school every day to be taught carpentry. He went there three times a week; first and second block on white days, and last block on red days.

Carlos and James were in the same gym class as us, too. I didn't know _anyone_ in my English class, which was expected, and Kendall was in my Chemistry class and my lunch. Lunch took place during third block classes, so I would have lunch with Kendall every day. Mrs. Knight packed us the same thing, and I gave all of mine to Kendall. I knew nobody in my calculus class.

Kendall met me in the foyer of the school and he said, "It's not that bad, right?"

Most of the teachers I had on red days were very cool. Gym, obviously not even a teacher could make gym bad. My English teacher was literally a saint, she was one of the nicest people I'd ever met. The chemistry teacher, Mr. Mortimer, was a little crazy, but he adored Kendall, therefore immediately adoring me just by association. And then there was the calculus teacher, Mrs. Verily, who did not seem to like my presence.

I had told her I could try to take the test that everyone was taking that day, and she almost kicked me out of the class.

I did not tell Kendall this.

"I guess not," I said. "My calculus teacher is crazy, though."

"Who do you have?"

"Mrs. Verily."

"Oh," he said, "She was my ninth grade algebra teacher. She's a _biiiitch_. So, good luck."

"Gee, thanks."

He smirked. "Oh, look," he said, pointing out the red Honda Accord, "there's mom."

Kendall got in the back with me.

"Hi boys," said Mrs. Knight. "How was school today?"

"Fine," said Kendall.

"And Logan?"

"Oh, um, fine."

"Do you like your classes?"

"Um, yeah."

"Did you meet anyone new?"

"Um, yeah." _Everyone_ was someone new to me.

"Did you learn anything?"

"Um, no."

She looked like she felt awkward, and for once, I didn't. "The church is coming along nicely," she said. "Daddy is there right now. He's doing paperwork. There was a woman there today with her three kids; she had no where to go. Daddy is trying to find somewhere that will help her."

"Can't he just call the shelter between Fifth and Main?" Kendall asked. "I'm sure they'd be glad to help."

"He called, yes, but according the receptionist there is not enough room for four more people. They have two beds. He's trying to convince them that the children are very small and can share beds."

"Well, they should listen. It's getting cold."

She nodded in agreement.

Kendall looked at me. "Do you want to play hockey today? I can find my old skates, I'm sure they'll fit you."

I shook my head. "Um, no," I said, "I don't play hockey."

"But you know so much about it."

"I know it. I don't play it."

"Why?"

I blinked. "You ask a lot of questions."

"All of which are necessary. You don't answer a lot of my questions."

"There are just other things that are more important."

"I'm just curious."

He was staring at me with big, blue, irresistible eyes and I caved. "My dad used to play hockey. I don't…I just can't play it."

"Have you ever played?"

"Once," I said. "And I was ten and I was scared, and things did not go well. Okay? Are you happy now?"

"None in the slightest," he said, clearly itching for more information. "Was he on a team?"

"I don't want to talk about him," I mumbled.

"But, don't you -"

"Kendall," Mrs. Knight cut in. "Knock it off."

"I was _just_ going to ask if he ever wondered if he was better at it now."

"No," I said, "I don't wonder because I don't care about hockey."

"How can you - "

"_Kendall_!"

Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

My art teacher was crazy. I couldn't draw to save my life, and I didn't want to take art, but Mr. Killian had said I needed some kind of art, so he gave me this because it fit with the schedule, and it was easy and simple. _Apparently. _

There I was in art, and the only person I knew in there was James, and he didn't acknowledge me at all, so I sat in the corner by myself, and this crazy art teacher was trying to get me to draw a 3 dimensional chair.

"I _can't_," I said.

"Never say you can't, because you can. Art is free, express what you want."

"But you just told me you wanted me to express a chair, which, I can't."

"Just draw what you see."

"I can't."

"Can you _try_?"

"I did try, and it looked like shit, so I stopped trying."

At this point, we were entertaining the entire class. I didn't want to draw that damn chair. The time I tried, it looked like a person with a huge ass. I didn't want to do this project. I disliked it heavily.

"Don't curse," she ordered, "and don't give up."

"It's a little late for that because I did swear, and I did give up."

She was very frustrated. Her gray hair was wildly everywhere, makeup was stuck in her wrinkles, and she wore very weird, colorful clothing.

"Okay, go to A3."

A3 was the third classroom in A hall, and it was where the deans resided. I stood up, happy to get out of that class, and started walking to A3.

I entered. The receptionist looked up at me. "Hi," she said, "You must be new."

"I'm pretty new," I said.

"Are you Logan?"

"That's me."

"Mrs. Norton tells me you were being insubordinate?"

"If she's considered to have authority, then, yes, I was being insubordinate."

"What were you doing?"

"I _wasn't_ drawing a chair. I can't draw chairs and she got all anal. It's not really a big deal to me, but apparently it is to her."

"So, you were refusing to do your work?"

"Basically."

"And you still refuse?"

"Absolutely."

"Mr. Grimes is probably going to give you detention if you do not do this assignment."

I shrugged. "Well, I'm not doing it. I'll paint, I'll cut and paste, and I'll use pastels, but I will not draw. I'm sorry, but I just won't. I suck at it, and I don't like it, and I don't think I should have to do something I suck at and hate at the same time."

"…well, it is art, sweetie, that's what you do in art."

"Can't I quit art? Or take something that counts as art but isn't art?"

"Well, you could take music," she said, "any kind of music. But there's only two music classes available, one is music history, and you have calculus then. The other is Music 3, and you have to have two years of music knowledge to take that class."

"Well, I mean, I've never really been in high school before so I haven't taken classes or whatever. I can read music and play an instrument. Couldn't I take it?"

"Well, Mr. Killian, and Mr. Grimes, would have to discuss this with Mrs. Norton and the music teacher."

"Well, Mrs. Norton hates me, and it's only the first day."

Then, the door opened and a tall, beefy man with crooked teeth and a pedophile mustache entered. "Ah," she said, "Mr. Grimes. This is your newest student, Logan Mitchell. Logan, this is Mr. Grimes, your dean. Mr. Grimes, according to Mrs. Norton, Logan here is insubordinate. He seems like a good kid to me, just one that doesn't like art. We were just discussing musical options that could count as an art. Mr. Killian didn't ask too many questions, I reckon. You know how well he is with communication."

Mr. Grimes laughed at her sarcasm. "I'm aware, yes. Logan, step into my office please."

I followed Mr. Grimes into the small section called his office, and sat across from him. "So what's the problem?"

"I got kicked out of art."

"Why?"

"Please don't make me explain it all again."

He laughed. "Okay," he said, "but you do have to tell me what you did."

"I didn't do anything. That was the problem. Mr. Grimes, I just can't draw. You can't ask a kid with no artistic ability or ambition to draw. It's like asking a mime to talk. It just can't be done."

"Okay," he said, "your argument is solid, it was your first day in this class, you gave it a try, that's all I can ask of you. However the only music class available to you is -"

"I know, Music 3."

"Right, music 3. You have to have taken-"

"I know, Music 1 and 2."

"Right, music 1 and 2. Have you taken any music class at all?"

"Well, like I was explaining to Ms. What's-Her-Face out there, I've never really been in high school long enough to take anything. I've just been bouncing around for the past three years. I haven't had a stable home since I lived in Itasca when I was thirteen. But I do know music. I can read music, my grandmother taught me when I was really little."

"Can you play an instrument?"

"Um, yeah. That's kind of the whole point of reading music."

"Okay, well, let's go talk with Mr. Singer."

"The music teacher's name is Mr. Singer?"

Mr. Grimes laughed. "I know. Ironic, isn't it?"

Mr. Singer was a nice guy. He wasn't too old, and he wasn't ugly and he didn't look like a pedophile or anything.

The class was full of seniors and juniors, and it was nice to not be surrounded by freshmen. Mr. Singer said, "Well, I'll let you into this class if you audition."

"Audition?"

"Yes. Right now. Play me something. What do you play?"

"…piano."

He went into the closet and pulled out an electric keyboard and put it on a desk. The students were watching intently.

"Um…okay, so you want me to play this? Right now?"

"Yes."

"Um…okay."

The keyboard is different than the piano, but it's slightly more simple. I turned it on, and it started drumming at me. Mr. Singer stopped that immediately. I took a deep breath before standing in front of it. It was weird to stand in front of this instrument; I usually sat in front of a piano.

I started playing it like a piano, though, but without the foot pedals. I wasn't sure what I was playing, I couldn't remember the name of the song, or the author, but I knew I was doing well. I stopped playing the second I'd missed a note, and looked at Mr. Singer, who's eyes were closed.

He opened them and looked at me. "Mozart," he said, "Beautiful. That was fantastic. I'm honestly pleasantly surprised. You're in, kid. Tell Killian to switch his schedule. Who needs art, right?"

Mr. Grimes didn't look pleased at that last part, but I smiled. For the first time in a long time, I was proud of myself. I was satisfied and it was phenomenal.

When I saw Kendall third block, however, he seemed panicky. "You got kicked out of art!" He asked.

"…no. Well, I got sent to A3."

"That's being kicked out! Oh, when Dad finds out…you're…don't let him find out! What happened? James said you swore at the art teacher!"

"I didn't swear _at_ her," I defended, "I basically called art shit. Which it is."

"Still, you can't just go around swearing at teachers. What happened in A3? Did you get detention? Oh, please tell me you didn't get detention!"

"Relax," I said, "I didn't get detention. I got switched into a music class."

"What?" he said, "That's jenk, when I got kicked out of Mrs. Norton's class last year, I got three detentions and a referral!"

I shrugged. "It's my second day."

He nodded. "Good point. What music class are you taking?"

"Music 3."

"Wai-how?"

"I know music."

"Well, aren't you just full of surprises!" He did not seem enthralled. "What the hell kind of music do you know?"

"…music."

"What do you play, fool?"

"Piano, gees! There _are _some things I know, Kendall, I'm not just some brand new baby that knows absolutely nothing."

"I know, it's just…I'm just…how do you know piano?"

"My grandmother taught me when I was younger."

"You never told me."

"I've known you for five days."

"But, I mean, still. You know I play guitar."

"You showed me the guitar. I don't have a piano to show you."

"There's a piano at the church."

"I know."

Then, the teacher told us to settle down as we got started for the day, learning about Andrew Carnegie and the freaking railroad tracks

* * *

Note: First, I hope you enjoyed. Second, I hope you picked up on how differently Logan interacts with different people. He's a lot more comfortable with Kendall, which is why he's a lot more pushy and argumentative. And, he hates art.

Thanks for reading (:


	5. Days 6 through 79

Thoughts: I know, I know. I'm going a little downhill. Hopefully we can turn this bandwagon back around and do some good. Unfortunately, that may mean going a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle faster than expected in this chapter. But to get the Kogan thing going, we've got to move a little quicker, and I know a lot of you are looking forward to the whole Kogan - Mr. Knight - Drama - Fights - thing. I know this chapter moved very quickly, but I need some action. So, here we go.

* * *

Days 6-35

(November 17, Day 35)

The next few weeks flew by quickly. Mr. Knight spent a _lot_ of time at the church. "He did that before it burned down," Kendall had explained. He was very, very devoted to the church, which made sense because he was a preacher, but it seemed like he should have spent more time with his wife and children; it seemed like he loved the church more than them.

Kendall still hadn't played his guitar for me, and I still hadn't played piano for him, but it was obvious he wanted me to play for him more than I wanted him to play for me. When Kendall told me he didn't want to play for me, I just dropped the situation. When I told Kendall I wasn't going to play for him, he kept asking like, three times a week. He was a very persistent person.

Kendall was getting his license on this day. It was a Tuesday, and his appointment at the DMV was in the morning. There was only two weeks left of gym class, and Kendall wasn't happy about missing the class, but he got over it by the time I saw him in Chemistry.

"I'm _so_ excited," he said, "we're going bowling Friday," he said to me. "You, me, James and Carlos. And we can just, go whenever we want. We don't even have to ask my mom for a ride, or walk anywhere, _ever_."

"What about a car?"

"I can use the Honda," he said.

"What if your mom needs it when you want it?"

"Don't Debby-down my style, Loge," he said. "I guarantee we will always have a vehicle whenever we need it."

"Okay," I said, "so does that mean we aren't walking to hockey practice today?"

Kendall's eyes shifted. "Damn it."

"So, you got your license," said Mr. Mortimer, "Congrats, you know, when I got my license, the first thing I did was get my girlfriend, and we ended up going on a ten week road trip. You'd never imagine how lost you can get trying to get to the ice cream parlor, so be careful."

The funny part was, he was serious.

Kendall really _loved_ driving. There was something about giving a sixteen year old boy his license that made him feel free. I'd wished I had my license plenty of times, but it didn't really matter to me. I always had a way to get to where I needed to go.

"Hey," Kendall said to me, crouching down low and looking at his cell phone as 'secretly' as possible. "I just got a text from Mom. She says Katie isn't feeling well and wants you to go home and read her a story."

I furrowed my brows, but this wasn't surprising. Over the past month or so that I'd been with the Knight family, Katie had become very fond of me. She latched onto me, she wanted me to read her stories all the time, and she _always_ had to sit next to me at dinner.

Kendall looked at me, his eyes so blue, waiting for a reply.

"Well, I guess…I mean, you guys can just run the play I showed you yesterday. You'll be okay."

I had sort of taken on the role as coach for Kendall's hockey team. It was kind of funny, because I was so very, very small compared to the team, and they had hated me the first time I met them, and only a month later I was just like one of them. It felt great to be apart of something. And it wasn't just one something, either. I was apart of hockey, of school, and apart of a family. I felt excellent, and I felt happy, and content, something I had never felt in my life. But the demons still weren't gone; they were something that always were going to be with me, like my name or my legs.

"We'll be fine," he agreed, sending his mother a reply.

"Kendall," Mr. Mortimer said, "I know what you're doing back there."

We both sat up straight and looked at him.

"Who, me?" said Kendall.

"No, the other Kendall."

"I'm not doing anything wrong."

"Sure. Okay, so a proton is positive, and neutron is negative, proton positive, neutron negative, , proton positive, neutron negative, , proton positive, neutron negative, you get it…."

He'd continued to talk and I'd continued to not listen.

When I got home from school, I went into the kitchen, and took a bite of whatever it was that Mrs. Knight was cooking. "Where is she?" I asked.

"In her room, patiently waiting for you."

I gave a subtle nod and proceeded up the stairs to the pink butterfly room. Katie was half-sitting up in her bed, leaning on her headboard, _Cinderella_ in hand. "Good," she said, "I'm so glad you're here."

I sat on the edge of the bed. "You feeling sick?"

"Just a little," she said, "My head just hurts and my nose is stuffy, and my throat is scratchy. Have you ever been sick?"

I chuckled. "Yeah," I said, "I've been sick. It's never fun."

"I know. Did your mom ever read you stories when you were sick? Or your dad?"

I sighed, "No," I said, "no, they never did. But I'm glad I can read them to you."

"Logan, do you believe in God?"

"Do _you_?"

"Yes," she said, "very much so. Do you?"

"I don't know. I had kind of given up on Him before. I haven't really thought about it."

"I know things weren't easy at your other house," she said, "even though you never talk about it, but we all know. That's why you're here. But I believe in God. And I believe that God did what had to do to get you to us."

"…I never thought of it like that."

She smiled. "I know. You never really thought about it at all."

"You're a winner, Katie," I informed her. "You are a winner."

"Just read the story."

"Okay."

(Day 42) was Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving at the Knight's was an experience I'd never forget. Mrs. Knight was absolutely _frantic_ throughout the entire day. It was a sight. Her family, and Mr. Knight's family were _both_ coming to have dinner, and this included two sets of parents, Mr. Knight's two brothers, and their wives and kids, and Mrs. Knight's sisters and their husbands and kids. And Mr. Knight's brother's kid had a girlfriend and kid of his own.

Kendall and I had to carry the small dining room table into the garage, and we had to carry the large dining room table into the dining room. Then Mrs. Knight decided that there wasn't going to be enough room, so we had to get the other dining table back from the garage, and then the folding table from the shed in the back. _Then_ we had to dig around to find the table cloth. Then we had to find enough chairs for everyone.

Kendall said, "I'm _not_ sitting at the kids table. I'm sixteen. I'm not a kid. Logan isn't either. How old are you?" He whispered that last part to me.

"Fifteen."

"Logan's - wait, what? Fifteen?"

"I'll be sixteen next month," I defended snappily. "I was born at the end of the year; is that a crime?"

"No, it's just…surprising. Anyway, Mom, Logan and I are _not_ sitting at the kids table."

"I'm not expecting you to, sweetie. But remember, we are going to the soup kitchen around six."

"Yeah, yeah, the soup kitchen," he said hastily.

"I'm serious, Kendall."

"I'm serious, too, mom, I know, we go every year," he looked at me. "We go to the soup kitchen every year on Thanksgiving to serve to the homeless."

"Yeah, I got that."

He laughed, "Yeah, I suppose. Anyway - Mom, are you making pie?"

"Kendall," she said, sounding frustrated. "I make pie _every year. _What would make me just not make it this year?"

I tried not to smile, or laugh.

"Mom," said Kendall, "I mean, you never know. You're making chocolate pie, right?"

She sighed. "Kendall, sweetie, why don't you and Logan go find something to do with yourselves?"

"There's _nothing_ to do."

"There are _thousands_ of things to do, just find one that doesn't include me and my kitchen."

Kendall sighed and said, "Logan, come on."

I followed him up the stairs and into our room. He flopped down on his bed and I sat on mine.

"This is so boring. Thanksgiving is the worst before it's time to eat. I'm freaking hungry. And cold."

Mrs. Knight did not let us eat till Thanksgiving dinner, and let me tell you, it was loud and crazy at the house, and then it got worse as we traveled to the soup kitchen, which was loud, and full of people, and we didn't get to leave till eleven, and Mr. Knight didn't join us, claiming he had a lot of work to do at the church. Mrs. Knight had started crying, and her sister had to console her.

"What does your dad do at the church?" I asked Kendall that night, as I laid in my bed looking at the ceiling, and he laid in his bed, looking towards me.

"He does a lot of paperwork," said Kendall, his voice sounding tired. "He tries to find the homeless places to stay; he tries to find food for those who can't feed their families, he does therapy for like, domestic violence cases and helps people get out of abusive relationships. He runs the church, he runs charity, he loves charity. It's a lot of work, and we all understand why he's never around. Mom just misses him. She'll get over it. She always does."

"Is it like this all the time?"

"No," he said, "Dad works a lot, yeah, but there are periods of time where he works more than others. Like, for the past few months he's been working like crazy. When the church first burned down he barely had anything to do. There's just a lot he has to catch up on now."

"Do you ever like, miss him?"

"Do you ever miss your dad?"

"That's different."

"I was just asking."

"…I don't know," I said finally. "Sometimes I wish I could just talk to him, though. I have a lot to say to him. Other times I just hate him for everything he's done. Anyway, I asked you first."

Kendall sighed. "Sometimes I think I do," he said, "but he doesn't really like me, if you hadn't noticed."

Oh, I'd noticed. Whenever Mr. Knight was around, he always looked down upon Kendall, and nothing he did seemed good enough for him. Kendall brought home an A-, and Mr. Knight had said to him, "That's kind of pathetic, Kendall. You couldn't get four more points for the plus?"

"Was he always like that?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Kendall. "I'm…well, I'm not really his kid. Like, he raised me, he's my Dad, but, at the time they were having a hard time having a kid, and they _really_ wanted one, so they went to a doctor and they used that in-vitro stuff, and then I came. It took them six years to have Katie."

"…I never knew."

"It's not really important. But it does sometimes make me feel less important to him. I get over it, though. Mom always makes me feel special. Does she do that to you?"

I smiled, even though he couldn't see me, going with the flow of the conversation. "Yeah," I said, "She has before. Like, when I brought home my first A and we went out to eat. That was great."

"Yeah. Now you get A's all the time, she just expects it. That's why I get C's, so when I do get an A, she makes a big deal."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically, "_That's_ why you get C's."

We laid there silently for a few minutes, and then he said, "Logan, I have to ask you something serious. And I don't want you to like, take this the wrong way or anything…I'm just…you, know, curious." I turned on my side to look at him now, curious as to what he was about to say.

"…Okay?"

"Are you…I mean, are you…?"

"…am I what?"

"I mean, are you…are you a virgin?" he was very quick about it, and he seemed very nervous.

I started to laugh. "No," I said honestly. "I'm not."

"Can you tell me about it?"

I laughed even harder. "There's not really much to tell. I was thirteen. I was in Swift, and the girls there will pretty much hook up with anything…It wasn't special, it wasn't romantic, it was kind of… forced, I guess. I'd much rather be a virgin with a clean slate. I honestly believe it'd be better if it was with someone I loved. I don't even know the girl's last name."

"Is it hard? I mean, to have that on your mind?"

I laughed again. "There are much, much harder things on my mind."

Kendall laughed. "Did you think about that before you said it?"

"No," I said through my laughs, "But you knew what I meant."

Our laughing slowly ceased.

"You know," said Kendall, "we _are_ like brothers now. Isn't it weird to think that?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "It is. What about your other foster brothers?"

Kendall sighed. "The first one, Simon, hates me. He always hated me, we never got along, he was down my throat all the time, we had nothing in common. He was very similar to my dad, and my dad always wanted me to be like him ever since he'd moved in. I don't want to be like him. Simon goes to Harvard. He's going to be a surgeon.

"Jonathan, the one that left last year, was never comfortable here. He never loosened up, he never felt like this was his home. He had only become a foster kid 'cas his parents had died, whereas Simon and you had kind of seen it coming. He wasn't really a bad kid, but he was really shy, like, all the time. He hardly ever spoke and he was really weird. He always wore black. He was just weird. He's at NYU now. Last I knew he wasn't sure of his major. I mean…you _did_ see it coming, right?"

"Yeah," I said, "I tried to put it off as long as I could, I mean, who would want to have to leave their home and family? But there was a day my principal called me to his office and I realized if I didn't tell him right then and there what had been going on, things were never going to change."

"What made you tell?"

"My brother, mostly," I replied, "how could I let him grow up in an unsafe environment? I couldn't."

"Where's your brother?"

I sighed. "I'm not really sure. He was adopted."

"Do you miss him?"

"Sometimes. But I know I did what I had to do and it was a really hard decision. I had told Ms. Kelso that I didn't want to be involved in his life. And I haven't been."

"…_why_?"

"…you're the first person I've ever talked to about this kind of stuff like this, so if it doesn't make any sense, then, let me know so I can reiterate. Um, I'm basically scarred for life. I mean, there's nothing that can change my past and I didn't want my brother to know what happened at home. He had no idea what went on. I didn't want him to ever ask me why we were foster kids, and I knew that Ms. Kelso wouldn't have split us up unless I requested it. He wouldn't have gotten adopted. We'd be foster kids together, and he'd be asking questions about why. I don't want him to know what happened, ever. It's just better this way."

"Logan…what _did_ happen?"

I took a deep breath. "Can we save that for a rainy day?"

He hesitated. "Yes…I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable, so if I do, let me know."

He was staring at me intently as he said this, and I couldn't help but crack a smile. "You're making me uncomfortable."

He threw his pillow at me.

"Oh, sweet," I said, "now I've got two pillows."

(Day 53) was the first day I got into some _serious_ trouble. I was having just an awful day. It was my father's birthday, and although that was no excuse, that's what I was sticking to. Firstly, gym was over, and my health teacher was just annoying. Every time she spoke I wanted to put a fork in her eye.

"If you are sexually active you might contract an STD."

"Duh," I announced. "I don't understand why they pay you to teach stuff we already know."

I got sent to A3.

Mrs. Rose wasn't having a good day either, and class was not a place I wanted to be. "We're reading today, and writing a reflective essay."

"But last class you said we were watching Of Mice and Men since we finished the book!" the kid that sat next to me said.

"Well, I've changed my mind."

I then gave my opinion. "That's bullshit."

We both got sent to A3.

Chemistry went okay, because Mr. Mortimer was always in a fantastic mood, but it was lunch that got me. The senior quarterback on the football team had some 'beef' with Carlos, I guess, and he knocked down his tray at lunch.

"That wasn't necessary," I told him. "You can pick it up and buy him a new lunch."

"Or not."

"Or, yeah."

"Or, not," he repeated, "What _are you_ going to do if I don't?"

"Don't be an asshole, the kid did nothing wrong to you. Just replace what you fucked up then leave him alone."

I didn't throw the first punch, but I did throw the last one. The quarterback was twice my weight, but I put up a fair fight. Kendall was freaking out throughout the whole thing, especially when a punch got thrown that made me lose my breath and then I got pushed, and ended up on the ground, and he started kicking me and kicking me and I grabbed his foot, bringing him down too, and started throwing punches.

Then, Mr. Grimes, Mr. Killian, Mr. Tanner, and one of the gym teachers were pulling us apart. I ended up in A3 with Mr. Grimes, and the quarterback ended up in the principal's office. I got suspended for three days, and he got suspended for two and was no longer aloud to play on the football team.

I had to go to calculus while it took Mrs. Knight thirty minutes to arrive. My teacher was giving me a hard time about all the homework I didn't do. "You get hundreds on nearly every test you take, I just don't understand why you don't do the homework."

"I don't _need_ to do the homework, Mrs. Verily. I know what I'm doing. I don't see why I have to."

"It's part of the assignment, Logan. You'll never learn how to do what you're expected to if you _never_ do it."

"If I got a one hundred, I clearly have already learned what I needed to. Why don't you just leave me alone and quit hassling me?"

That was a bad idea. I got sent back to A3, and Mr. Grimes groaned when he saw me.

"What could you have possibly done now, Logan? You were in calculus for ten minutes!"

"I told Mrs. Verily to leave me alone and stop hassling me about homework."

"You can't talk that way to your teachers, Logan. That's why you were in here first and second block, remember? This can't keep happening and I don't want to have to punish you for this."

"I don't want to be punished," I said, "I just don't want to be hassled about homework. I get hundreds on every test, I'm passing, I don't see why she's down my throat about homework."

He sighed. "It's just what is expected of you. You can sit in the lobby till Mrs. Knight gets here."

Mrs. Knight was calm. "Mr. Knight is home," she said, "and he's not very happy. I'm a little disappointed, honey. You know better than to fight at school, and get into trouble. You're good kid. Don't go in the wrong direction."

"I _hate_ phone calls from the school!" Mr. Knight shouted when I walked in the door. "You got kicked out of two classes, and you fought during lunch? With the quarterback! And then getting kicked out of calculus after all that!

"What were you thinking? I'll tell you, you weren't thinking! I'm so disappointed in you, Logan…I know you're better than this, than fighting…I know you get kicked out of classes for back talking, and it just needs to end, right now. Karen and I are very concerned. Just…tell me what happened today in the lunchroom."

I blinked. He'd went from veins coming out of his neck to very calm in the matter of a sentence. "I just…well, we were going to our table and this kid knocked Carlos's tray right out of his hands. I couldn't not say anything. I just requested he replace what he'd damaged and leave Carlos alone. He said something about me being a girl, and then he hit me. I wasn't going to just take it, I had to hit him back."

"No," he said, "that's where you went wrong. Never hit back - "

"So you're telling me not to defend myself?"

"Don't interrupt," he said curtly. "And no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying violence is never the answer. It solves nothing. It just creates more problems. And I'm not as upset about the fighting as I am about getting kicked out of three out of four classes. That's absolutely ridiculous. You need to be more aware of what you say, especially to your teachers. There's this thing called respect, and I know you have it, so you have to start showing it."

He seemed done talking so I said, "Mr. Knight - "

He pointed a finger at me. "No retaliation," he said. "Just accept what I've said and apply it. That is what I expect of you. Now go upstairs."

(Day 61) was December 13th, my sixteenth birthday. I was surprised at how big a deal the Knight family made this day. Never in my life had I had an experience like this, and I was absolutely ecstatic when I realized what was happening on this day.

In the Knight house, birthdays are very, very special. It was the day you were brought into this world, and it's such a great, amazing, beautiful thing to have been blessed with life for another year since your last birthday.

I was served breakfast in bed, and I didn't have to clean at all. Mrs. Knight made my bed, and Kendall, James, Carlos and I hung out at the arcade, something I'd wanted to do. Mr. Knight had given us money for games and pizza, which I didn't eat of course, but it was still a grand gesture.

When we got home, Mrs. Knight had made what was now my favorite food, pasta with alfredo for dinner, and she'd made a chocolate cake. Then, they surprised me with a present! I was so excited. It was the second birthday present I remembered receiving, with the first being a toy car my grandmother had given me. I'd given it to my brother.

The present was a cell phone. I shook my head. "I can't…-"

"Don't be silly," said Mrs. Knight, "Kendall got a phone for his sixteenth birthday. Besides, you earned it. Mrs. Verily called yesterday and said you _finally_ did some homework! We're so proud of you. We want you to know that."

"But this phone is a privilege," Mr. Knight added. "If you step out of line we will not hesitate to take it away."

I smiled, accepting the phone gratefully, looking down at it. It was red and black; it flipped open to a full keyboard. It was shaped like a square, it was called a Lotus Elite by LG and it was apart of the Sprint plan that Kendall, Mr. and Mrs. Knight had.

"You've got unlimited texting, internet, and picture messages, and about 300 calling minutes," said Mrs. Knight. "Just like Kendall."

I had thanked them about a thousand times that night for everything they'd ever done for me.

(Day 73) was Christmas, and the Knights had some traditions that I didn't know. First came presents. Everybody got one present; Mr. and Mrs. Knight bought one present for each of us kids, and then got each other one gift, and the kids were _not_ to buy any presents for anyone. Just one present each.

"We did our best to do special things for this Christmas," Mrs. Knight said. "You kids have given us another excellent year and we want to show you how proud we are of you, and how much we appreciate you for all of your hard work and everything you've done. You don't ask for much and we as parents feel very lucky to have such a great group."

Katie got her present first; a puppy. She had wanted a puppy for so long, apparently, and now she was almost eleven, they found it acceptable. She had to take care of him, though, potty train him, clean up after him, feed him, etc. He was an adorable puppy; a fuzzy black mix of Schipperke and Belgian Sheppard; he had a curly tail, blue eyes, and kind of resembled Sirius Black as the Grim, so much so that she named it Sirius.

Kendall's present was outside. We all followed, and it wasn't hard to miss. Kendall's new black BMW sat in the driveway with a red ribbon next to Mrs. Knight's red Honda Accord. Kendall _freaked_. It made me happy to see him that happy, and I was so glad he'd gotten that car.

"OH MY GOD!" he'd shouted. "THAT'S NOT MINE!"

Mr. Knight held the keys out. "Yes it is," he said, grinning magnificently. It was a beautiful car; it had leather seats, black rims, four doors, a sunroof, and all those other cool car things that guys know about. (note: But I don't, because I am a girl and I don't really care about cars. )

"Now, for Logan," said Mrs. Knight, "Your present is in the loft."

In the backyard, the Knights had a barn they used for storage. The barn had a loft that Kendall said he had sleepovers in during the summer when it wasn't freezing outside.

We traveled to the backyard together, and snow started to fall. Kendall said, "Can my car fit in the garage!"

Mrs. Knight laughed. "Yes, sweetie. Daddy and Logan moved everything to one side a few days ago while you were at hockey."

He looked at me. "You _KNEW_?"

I grinned.

I did. I knew. I knew about the dog, too. But I didn't know what was waiting for me in that loft, and my heart sank when I saw it. It was a big, beautiful, cherry red grand piano with my name carved into the spot designed to hold sheet music. I stared at it, taking it in. I couldn't believe this. I just…I didn't know how they knew I played, and I didn't know how they knew I liked red, and I didn't know how they could make me feel like I belonged to a family who cared about me.

"How did you…?" I looked at Kendall. "Was this you?"

He smiled and shook his head, "no, but I wish it was."

Mr. Knight said, "Mr. Singer told us how fantastic you are at the keyboard in school. He says you _must_ have had background with the piano, especially as he keeps an eye on your feet as you play. We figured you'd love an _actual_ piano. Were we right?"

I smiled brightly. "Yeah," I said, "You were way right."

"Will you play it for us?" Katie asked.

Oops. I didn't think about that. "Uh…"

"Whoa," said Kendall, "I don't feel good all of a sudden."

I looked at him and he winked, and then everyone else turned their heads towards him. He was bailing me out of this situation and I knew it. I was so happy to have Kendall. It wasn't that I was afraid of playing, and it wasn't that I couldn't play. I just wasn't ready to play for all of them. I believed the piano was something sacred, like Mr. Knight believed God was something sacred. And it was hard for me to share the most sacred thing I had with them all at the same time. It was something I wanted to bring them into slowly, one by one. And I wanted to play for just Kendall.

"What's wrong?" Mr. Knight asked, getting a little closer to his son.

"…my stomach," said Kendall, "I just feel like I'm gonna throw up."

Mrs. Knight looked at me. "Soon?" she asked.

I nodded, and I followed them down the stairs, and out of the barn. We went back into the house where Mrs. Knight had Kendall lay on the couch and drink a lot of orange juice. By noon, though, he was "freaking hungry" and I could hear his stomach growling.

He stood up from the couch and went into the kitchen. "Mom, I'm hungry."

"Do you feel better, hon?"

"Yeah," he said, "it was like, a sudden wave of want-to-puke, turned into very-hungry-Kendall."

"Maybe you're allergic to winter," said Katie sarcastically.

He gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Well, I'll make you some lunch, baby. I'm glad you're feeling better. I would hate for you to have to miss church!"

He looked at me, and he seemed _very_ un-amused.

Church on Christmas was a lot different than church on Sundays. First of all, we went at night, and we had a huge church dinner with all of the members. Everybody brought a dish, and there was plenty of food for everyone. Mr. Knight didn't preach as much as usual, he just spoke to us as if we were all friends, and family, and he let us know how appreciative he was of everyone, and he spoke about the past year and how God led us through the year.

He spoke about his family, the beautiful wife God blessed him with, the son God knew he was destined to have, the amazing daughter God gave him, and me, the son God led to him. He talked about how thankful he was for God for letting him know what was important in life, like family, and friends, and helping others. He talked about Jesus dying for our sins, and this, the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, was a chance God gave us to honor he who saved us all.

Kendall _loved_ his car. He drove it to school, to hockey, just around. Sometimes he just went outside and sat in it. Sometimes I joined him, sometimes I didn't.

On the Eve before New Years eve (Day 78), I led Kendall up to the loft. "I'm ready," I told him, "to play for you. Just you, though. I trust you."

He smiled. "Great. I trust you, too."

I sat at the piano and ran my fingers across it before I played, a habit I'd always had but never noticed. I started playing. The melody was enhancing, and I was hypnotized into the music. I couldn't believe what beautiful sounds could come out of this instrument as I moved my fingers along it, creating something so beautiful that Kendall had stared blankly at me when the song was over.

"Wow," he said, clearly stunned. "You didn't tell me you were prodigy."

"Because I'm not," I said.

"That was pretty prodgetic if you ask me."

"…is that even a word?"

"Probably not, but who cares? Dude, that was incredible. Do you like, love music?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I never really thought about it. It just didn't matter."

Kendall said, "You know, maybe it's time to start to think about the things that matter to you. You never know what could happen when you find where you belong."

I contemplated this, but that was interrupted when Kendall pulled out his phone and said, "Ha! Told you we'd get invited! We're going to Dan's party tomorrow night. It's going to be _great_."

(Day 79)

Kendall was so excited for Dan's party. Dan was a kid at our school, and I didn't know why Kendall made such a big deal about it. I mean, it's not like it was the only New Years Eve party we got invited to. I'd gotten invited to _one_ that Kendall didn't and he got invited to three that I didn't, and we both got invited to two, but it seemed that everyone ended up at Dan's party with all their party supplies.

We were teenagers, there was going to be alcohol, and Kendall was enjoying himself, thinking he was going to be okay to spend the night at Dan's house. I wasn't really much of a drinker, especially because my parents were. Also, I was afraid that if I was drinking, something would happen to Kendall, and I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if something had happened to him.

I kept my eye on him, still enjoying my night, flirting with a girl from my Calculus class who was a senior and out of my league, but who was drunk and thought I was the best thing ever. I didn't kiss her or have sex with her or anything, but it was fun to flirt. It was also fun to be sober, and slowly watch all my classmates and friends get drunk.

Carlos surfed down the stairs on a skateboard and fell. James then joined him. They were making prank phone calls. They were letting loose and having fun. And it was _hilarious_ to see Kendall drunk, especially because of Mr. Knight. I mean his dad was a _preacher. _He wasn't going to be too happy if he found out what was happening at this party.

Kendall came up to me. "Loge," he said, "The adult supervision at this place is the dogs!"

This, I knew. "I know."

"Logan," he couldn't say my name right. It sounded like he'd said cocaine, but I understood him. "Please tell the chef to make my fries regularly not homely. It got?"

"Yeah," I said, "it got."

Things quickly took a turn for the worst that night. We were having a great time one minute, then the next we heard sirens.

"Shit," Dan, who was sitting next to me said, "Everyone, OUT!"

Kendall threw the keys to the BMW at me. "You have to drive!" he shouted.

"I can't! I don't have my license…!"

"I'm too drunk, I'm too drunk! You don't have a choice, we're going to get arrested! Come on, let's go!"

Nervously, I took the keys and we booked it for the BMW. Kendall got in the passenger seat. "Seat…fix…uh, adjust! Adjust it!"

I moved the seat up and buckled up, and I turned the car on. It felt great under my fingers, but not under the circumstances and I was nervous. I started to back out of the long driveway, and I was doing pretty well till I hit the road. The driveway was hidden by trees, and I didn't see the car coming towards us at 80 miles per hour. I backed out. I felt the impact. I felt the pain. And everything went black.

* * *

Note: see? told you it was rushed. but I had to get to this point for things to move along. hopefully you understand, and I hope you like it! (: thanks for reading.


	6. Days 80 through 99

Thoughts: I got called out. Kendall's eyes are green, not blue, haha. My bad. (:

* * *

Day 83.

When I woke up, I didn't want to open my eyes. I knew what happened, and I was in so much pain, and I could barely breathe, and if I opened my eyes, they would tell me what happened. I was scared to find out.

I listened to see if I could hear anything. It was silent for a while, then, I heard a creak. "He's still asleep," Mrs. Knight's voice. "I'm so…I should have known something was going to happen."

"You couldn't possibly just know, Karen." That was a woman's voice I recognized as Mrs. Knight's sister, Cassidy. I'd met her on Thanksgiving, and saw her again on Christmas Eve at Mrs. Knight's mom's house. "Nobody could just know. You trusted the boys and accidents happen…you heard Kendall. They just panicked."

At the mention of his name, I wanted to open my eyes. But, I couldn't, just yet, I wanted to hear the rest of this conversation.

"Accidents happen," Cassidy concluded.

"But…it's not supposed to happen to my boys." She sounded teary.

"They're okay, though, right?" Cassidy said, sounding pretty convincing. "God kept them safe, didn't he? Everything will be okay."

"Look at him," said Mrs. Knight. I _felt_ their eyes on me. "He can barely breathe."

"His lung did collapse," said Cassidy. "They said he's doing exceptionally well."

"What am I going to do? Ken is going to have a fit…Kendall's new car? These injuries? I just…I don't have a good feeling about that at all."

"You haven't told him yet?"

"No. He's on a business trip… and his phone has been off…I'm just worried…I'm terrified something's going to happen to someone…" She was crying now.

"Oh, sweetie," Cassidy said.

I didn't want this to go on any longer, so I moved a little and opened my eyes. I couldn't see out of my left eye. My chest fell heavily as I breathed. My left arm was in a temporary cast, as was my left leg.

Mrs. Knight quickly wiped her eyes and rushed over to me. "Logan," she said, "honey, are you okay?"

"Did I break every bone in my body?" I croaked, cracking a smile.

She laughed, and her chest dropped so quickly it seemed to me as if it were a sigh of _relief_. "Oh, sweetie," she said, "We've been worried about you."

"You have?" I asked not caring, quickly switching to, "Where's Kendall?"

"He's bothering your doctor," she smiled.

I smiled back. "Is he okay?"

She nodded. "Generally. He does need surgery on his leg, though. It's scheduled for tomorrow morning…but you…"

"Do I want to know?"

"It could be worse," said Mrs. Knight. "It could be much worse."

"…Karen? What about the BMW?"

She bit her lip and looked down quickly, then back at me. "The BMW is totaled. It would cost more to fix it than it would to just get a new one."

My heart sank. "Oh, what I have done? Mr. Knight is going to kill me, or worse, kick me out, isn't he! Oh, wow, I'm so dumb, we should have just gotten arrested."

"Well, that might not be a problem," said Cassidy from her spot.

Mrs. Knight said, "Cassidy hush! Logan, sweetie, Mr. Knight is not going to kill you or kick you out, I promise. There's nothing you could possibly do to make him want to kick you out. We're not worried about the money or the car...just you and Kendall…"

I wasn't really listening to that. I was looking at Cassidy. "What does she mean!"

"Well, Logan, sweetie, um…you were operating a vehicle without a license, a permit, or any knowledge of driving whatsoever. You have to go to court as soon as you're out of here and technically, they could send you to a juvenile hall if they wanted. And because you don't have your license, you weren't on the insurance policy, so we're not really sure what's going to happen with that…"

"This is the worst news ever," I said. I knew I shouldn't have opened my eyes. I didn't want to hear any of that. I wanted to hear, "Just kidding, that was a dream," but, no, I get more bad news. I didn't know what God was thinking, I'd been doing good in school, I'd been doing good at home, then, bam, He starts to give me reasons to not believe in Him again.

With that being said, I wanted to know what was wrong with me. "So," I said, "Kendall needs surgery tomorrow…what about me? Lay it on me."

"Well, you were on the side that was hit," she said, but I already knew that. "First of all, they had to use the jaws of life to get you and Kendall out of the car, and then you were both airlifted here. They ran immediate tests and you were thrown into emergency surgery because your 2 broken ribs caused your lung to puncture and collapse quickly. Your hand…" she was shaking her head.

"They're not sure if you'll ever have mobility in your hand. They've scheduled two surgeries on your hand and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It just depends on how your body responds to it. Your knee is busted. You need surgery on that."

"And why can't I see out of my eye?"

"You had a piece of glass in there, and you'll need to see the eye doctor. They don't think the vision loss is permanent, but you can never be too sure."

"Oh, well, that sounds pleasant," I said sarcastically.

"You've been asleep for three days," she said, "and you probably won't leave the hospital for another two weeks."

"Wait, uh, no, no, no," I said, "I can't sit in this hospital for two weeks, are you crazy?"

She looked taken aback. "Logan, honey, you could have died. This is serious."

I rubbed my head with my good hand. "I need…Kendall."

Mrs. Knight clicked her tongue and stood up. "Okay," she kissed the top of my head. "Okay."

She left the room and Cassidy stared at me. I felt awkward. "Can I help you with something?" I said.

"She's worried about you," Cassidy said. "She's not crazy."

I didn't say anything back, instead, I waited for the return of Mrs. Knight and Kendall in silence, avoiding eye contact with Cassidy.

Kendall's eyes lit up when he saw me. "It's about time," he said, "I've been waiting, and waiting for you to wake up. How are you feeling?"

"I hate that question," I told him.

"I know. But I had to ask."

"Kendall, the car-"

"Shh," said Kendall, "we don't talk about that."

"You _loved_ that car and I destroyed it!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "There are things that are more important than the car, like your safety and mine. Besides, _I_ told you to drive, remember? If it weren't for me, we probably wouldn't be in this mess-"

"No, if _I_ had paid attention -"

"Don't even, Logan, don't try to pin this on yourself. There's no way this was your fault…it was just an accident."

"An accident that I'm going to get punished for because it was my fault. I was sober, Kendall, I shouldn't have turned that car on and I should have just said, no, we're getting arrested - YOU were drunk! And I listened to you!"

"You panicked, I panicked, it was a panic-esque situation! Trouble always happens when people panic and there's things we just can't control and that was one of them…we did what we could, we did our best, and we did what we thought was right! We can't change what happened. Right? Can you understand that? Or is the Morphine too powerful?"

"No," I lowered my voice, "I-I get it. But…I just-"

"You can't accept it. Well, you need to learn to start to accepting things as they are, Logan, starting now. So, accept this and move on from it. We'll get punished, yeah, and we won't be happy, yeah, but life goes on and we can get through all of this. But only if we let ourselves. And I can't do it without you, so…"

I bit my lip and looked at him. He was using crutches to balance himself off his left leg and he was staring back at me, waiting for a reply. I studied him; besides the damage to his leg, he had stitches under his eye in the shape of the crest of the moon, and he had stitches on his forehead, but I couldn't see a shape because of his bangs. He had dark bruises on his arms, but he still wore that goofy smile and concerned look.

"Kendall…" I said, "I almost died…" Believe it or not, it was like an epiphany for me. I _just_ realized it.

Kendall nodded his head, agreeing. "I know," he said, "and that's a scary thought. Thank God you're okay…that _we're_ okay. Things could be a lot worse."

I nodded. "Yeah," I said, "things could be a lot worse."

I had accepted the accident right then. Kendall was right, I mean, I couldn't change what happened, I just had to get on with my life.

On Day 84 Kendall "did great" during surgery, and was released from the hospital on Day 86, although, he didn't leave because I had hand surgery on Day 86. And I had leg surgery on Day 87. And hand surgery again on Day 89, which was also the day Mr. Knight was expected back from his business trip. I didn't really know what had happened between the phone calls he and Mrs. Knight had, but I did know that he wasn't angry when he saw me.

I wasn't in the mood to see anyone, I was hurting, and I was tired and cranky, and I just wanted to go home and sleep in _my_ bed. I was having a hard time breathing, too, and I even kept the respiratory mask close. I was overall having an awful day, I had spent most of the morning in ICU throwing up, and even after I was moved, I was miserable and I didn't feel good; all that anesthesia had gotten to me.

It had been about thirty minutes since I'd been moved from ICU, and Kendall was with me when Mr. Knight walked in with Mrs. Knight and Katie right behind him. According to Kendall, they had left about two hours prior. I closed my eyes quickly as the light from the hallway seeped in.

"Hey," Mrs. Knight's voice was soft. "Why are the lights off?"

"It's been the worst day so far," Kendall said. He was sitting close to the bed, so close I felt him breathing, even with my eyes still closed.

"Oh, Logan," said Mrs. Knight, "you look awful."

I felt awful. I didn't know how I was still awake and I didn't know how I could understand what they were saying. I opened my eyes to look at her. My body was so achey, and nothing the doctors gave me helped.

I wasn't going to say anything because I wasn't one to complain, and all I had were complaints. I had nothing else to say but complaints.

"How long ago did he get out of ICU?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"About forty minutes ago, if that," replied Kendall. "He's exhausted…it's been a long day and it's only two o'clock."

"Logan, it's okay," I heard that sultry voice of Mr. Knight's, "just go to sleep, okay?"

On Day 95, I went home. I never thought I'd be so happy to see the house, and this time, it was covered in snow. The first snowfall of Minnesota that winter, actually, and let me tell you, there was a _ton_ of snow. There was about 6 feet of snow on the ground, and the Knights had to hire someone to shovel and plow because Kendall and I couldn't do it, and Mr. Knight wasn't going to do it.

I thought about going up the stairs to my room that first day, but decided it was a really bad idea, and so did Mr. and Mrs. Knight. The first few days were the best because all I could do was sleep. I slept on the couch, and on the third day, Day 98, I navigated up the stairs to the room I shared with Kendall and fell asleep on my bed and when I woke up again, it was the middle of the night on Day 99.

"Kendall!" I whispered loudly. "Kendall! Are you awake?"

He groaned. "I am now. What is it? Did you have like, a scary dream? 'Cas I don't do well with -"

"No, shut up, I was just wondering if you were awake."

"Something's bothering you."

"No."

"Yeah."

"I don't think so."

"I can tell by your tone."

"I don't have a tone."

"Everyone has a tone."

"Well, not me."

"Yeah, you. And your tone is getting worse and worse."

"Maybe because _you're_ bothering me?"

"_You_ woke _me_ up, remember? Just tell me what's wrong. Why don't you ever let me in?"

"…perv."

"I'm being serious, Logan. Can't you just tell me what's bothering you? I may not be able to help but I can try. Is it about your parents? Your brother? The accident? My parents? School? I know there's a list."

"What if I can't think of anything that's bothering me? What if I just wanted to say hi?"

"Then it's subconscious and you know it." He sighed. "Look. I know I'm not like a therapist or anything, but I'm pretty sure that talking about what's on your mind helps get it off your mind. You can tell me anything, you know. I'll never judge you or tell anyone. Is it the accident?"

"No…I just…don't hate me for saying this, but I had been thinking a lot about my dad lately. And I just…well a part of me wants to see him."

"I say just see him."

"Just like that?"

"Well…I don't know, because I don't really know what went on between you two. But I do know that he hurt you, and that there's a lot of unresolved issues, and that's never good. Besides, if you want to see him that means you've got something to say to him. And if you don't say it to him, you might never will, and then you'd be stuck wondering your whole life what would have happened."

"He used to hit me," I said. "All the time, for no reason at all. He used to drink in front of me, he used to snort lines of cocaine in front of me. He used to…" I stopped myself from saying the big one. I didn't want Kendall to know that one, I didn't want Kendall to think I was dirty, or gross, or whatever. "He lied to me, hit my mom. He was schizophrenic…and he used to _really_ hit me. He would get in these states where he didn't know what he was doing and he would beat me till I almost couldn't breathe anymore. And I want to see him. But not for like, a year…because I just want to be a little older when I see him. I'm only sixteen, it's only been two years…maybe I should wait like, five more years or something. I mean, he's going to be in jail for a long time. He's got life without parole."

"Was he like a murderer?" Kendall asked.

"Um, well…"

"…what?"

This was something I'd never told _anyone_. But somehow I wasn't afraid to tell Kendall right then. "Well, he was found innocent on terms on insanity because he was seventeen. But he'd killed his older brother the month before I was born. He was back home with my mom about three months later."

"That's kind of scary…your mom just took him back?"

"Yeah," I said, "She was fifteen, she just had a baby, she was living in her mom's basement…she felt like she needed him. He felt like he didn't need us."

"Did he always hit you?" Kendall's voice was quiet.

"Yeah," I said, as if it were nothing. "I grew up with it, I mean, I never knew anything different. I didn't know it was wrong, and I thought that's how it was supposed to be. I always did something wrong, so I always got hit, and it was no big deal. Mom got hit when she did something wrong. Grandma didn't know, though. It was a secret. My dad and I had a lot of secrets."

"He hit your mom too? Why didn't she just leave?"

"She did," I said, "Eventually. But she left my brother and I behind. I guess we were part of her problem, too."

"That sucks, man," said Kendall. "But I mean, at least you're here now - "

"Kendall!" I said, suddenly.

"What!" He said in a panicky voice.

"What. Did. Your. Dad. Say. About. The. BMW.?" I asked slowly, realizing I had no idea what Mr. Knight thought about the situation.

Kendall laughed, "That's not random or anything, no."

"Come on, I need to know."

"Well, I got a speech, like, a two hour one. He was not very happy. He talked about how we could have been killed, yadda yadda yadda, we could have killed someone else, blah, blah, blah, drinking is not okay, yackity yack, yack. My car, he said, he wasn't as upset about us crashing the car than he was about the circumstances. He's going to talk to you about it, just a fair warning, by the way. He said he would replace _half_ of the car. I have to find a way to replace the other half, because man, I loved that car."

"How much is the car?"

Kendall bit his lip. "20 grand."

My heart sank. "Are you shitting me? And he's not pissed off about being out of thirty grand!"

"Well…he doesn't necessarily…my dad's father died when I was thirteen. My Grandfather left my father like, a hundred million dollars. He's donated a _lot_ of it, but he's still got a _lot _of it. He's donated like 70 million, and all he's bought was this house and the Honda. He fixed up the Cherokee, but he's had that since he was in college. He spent like, a million on all that. And the rest of it's basically rotting in the bank."

"Holy shit," I said, "I wasn't expecting that."

Kendall chuckled. "Yeah, I know. Isn't that crazy? And he still makes money by working at the church."

"I wonder what he's going to say to me."

Kendall shrugged. "I don't know, but I wouldn't be looking forward to it."

* * *

Note: sorry it was so short and lame lol. but i said i'd update today so i did. (:


	7. Day 100

Thoughts: Yeah, so, not gonna lie, i got what mrs. knight texts on that crazythingsparentstext website. it's pretty funny haha.

* * *

Day 100.

When I woke up on the morning of Day 100, I could see out of my left eye again and I decided a shower was desperately needed. I, being the unclumsy person that I am, fell in the shower, and I screamed, and Kendall rushed in on his own crutches as I laid on the floor of the shower with hot water running all over my body.

"What happened!" he asked.

"I fell!"

"Well can't you get up?"

"If I could, would I be laying on the floor of the tub?"

"Don't be a smart alec," he ordered. "I'll just - "

"No! Don't…I'm just…I'm not decent-"

"Well it's either me or Mom!"

He was very convincing. "Fine. Just don't look."

I could hear him giggling. "What are you, self conscious or something?"

"Shut up, Kendall, this isn't funny. Hurry up, I think I broke my ribs."

"Ha-ha, you're so funny, you should be a comedian, that's how funny you are."

"Your sarcasm isn't helping."

"Neither is yours."

"It's helping me!"

"FINE! BE SARCASTIC THEN."

"Well, someone's got his panties up in a bunch."

"Do you want my assistance or not?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"Gees!" he mumbled, and I heard him shuffling around in the bathroom. "I'm going to turn the water off now." I saw his hand slide in from behind the shower curtain and the water shut off, but not before it went cold and froze me.

Then, a towel fell on top of me. "Cover yourself up," he ordered. I did so. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'm ready."

The curtain was flung open before I could finish the sentence, and Kendall was there in his pajamas, grinning that goofy grin of his. He studied me on the ground. "You're pathetic," he said, laughing.

"I know," I said, "And helpless, come on, don't leave me hanging, here."

He leaned his crutches against the sink, and balanced on one foot, holding his arm out. I used my good hand to grab onto it, my bad hand to hold the towel in place. "Ooh, ow," I said, as I used Kendall as leverage to get myself up.

"You alright? You got it?" Kendall said as he tried to pull as I tried to push myself. It wasn't an easy task, a cripple trying to help a fellow cripple.

Kendall got me up and we balanced on each other to our room, and I was dripping wet, and he had gotten soaked in the process. I collapsed on my bed and he steadied himself using the dresser. "Well, _that_ was pleasant."

I laughed, "Oh, yeah, so pleasant. Get me some clothes."

"What am I, your slave?"

I shifted my eyes as he obliged to my request, pulling out pajamas from my drawers. He threw them at me. "Get dressed quickly," he ordered, "Because I will _not_ wait to come in when I come back from the bathroom."

I rolled my eyes and started to dress as quickly as I could before Kendall had gotten back. I had managed my underwear and pants before he returned with his crutches. "I can not bend my wrist," I said, implying to the red cast over my broken, tattered hand. "I had _two_ surgeries, and still can't feel my pinky. Help me out."

Kendall laughed. "Oh you poor baby," he said, picking up the shirt and shoving it over my head. "Put your arms through. Good job."

The funny part was, he was genuine about that last sentence.

Katie walked in. "_What_ are you two doing?" she asked.

Kendall started laughing. "Struggling, as usual. What do you want?"

"Well, I was _going_ to see if you two wanted to sit outside with me and Sirius, but I see you're busy…"

"Katie," said Kendall, "Logan just got home like, last week. There's like two feet of snow on the ground. It wouldn't be a good idea anyway."

Katie shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"Why don't you go do something with Dad?"

"He's talking on the phone."

"About what?"

"Logan."

"And you're not down there listening!"

"It's nothing important. He's just blabbing on like he does, you know."

Kendall glanced at me. "Does he seem mad?"

"Not really. He's just…talking. Like he talks to me, or Mrs. Johnson."

"He wants to talk to me," I said, remembering the conversation with Kendall. "What if he kicks me out?"

Kendall and Katie stared at me blankly before laughing. "Don't be dumb," said Kendall.

"Yeah," Katie agreed, "I mean, he's pretty upset about the car, the breaking the law, your hand, your leg, your ribs…but I mean, he's not going to kick you out."

"How do you know?"

They glanced at each other, clearly unclear of what to say or do. This was obviously the first time they had ever been in this situation, and they felt awkward. "He just…doesn't do that kind of thing," said Kendall. "Where would you go if he did? He cares too much about where you would end up…he just wants to help you find your way, that's all. And he won't do that by kicking you out."

"God wouldn't have spent all this time getting you to us if He was going to tell Dad to kick you out," said Katie.

"Don't worry about it," Kendall said, "in fact, don't even think about it. He couldn't do it if he wanted to. Him kicking you out would be like him kicking me out, and that would be impossible…like, it just cannot be done. You're staying, right where you are so, you're just going to have to get used to it."

I wanted to laugh, because obviously, I was used to it, and I had _feared_ being kicked out. I had finally been in a stable home, with people I liked and that liked me back, with people who took care of me and cared for me, with people who wanted the world for me. I was so lively and content in this house with this family and I didn't want the one thing that truly made me happy ripped away from me.

I didn't know how to respond so instead, I just nodded. Then, my phone went off, saving me from having to say anything. I picked up my phone. I sighed. Ever since I had gotten the phone, I learned how much Mrs. Knight loves to text. She thought it was cool. She was constantly texting someone, whether it was Kendall, or myself, or one of her friends.

The text said, "Is my phone texting rite? I dnt think it is"

I laughed to myself and replied, "yes it is"

"Who's that?" Kendall asked.

"Mom," I replied, putting the phone back on the table next to me. I pulled the blanket Mrs. Knight's mom made for me close. "I think she's downstairs."

Katie nodded. "Yeah, she is. She was looking for the iron, last I knew."

Kendall pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Got a message from mom about two hours ago," he said, "'have you seen my iron?' No," he answered aloud. "Got another message from Mom. "'Nevermind, I used my hair straightener.'"

My phone went off then. I opened it. It read, "how do u knw 4 sure?"

I couldn't help but laugh at that one, and Kendall and Katie laughed when I told them. I replied with, "'we're talking, aren't we?'"

I closed my phone and looked at Katie and Kendall, who were staring at me. "When are you guys going back to school?" Katie asked.

I hadn't even thought about that. We got in the accident on New Years Eve. It was January 21st, now, twenty one days since the accident, 18 days since school had been back from winter break, and six days till Katie's eleventh birthday.

Kendall glanced at her and looked back at me. "Well, the doctor told Mom when we could go back. She said he said I can go back on Tuesday, but that's when we have court, so I'll probably go back on Wednesday. Logan, uh, can't go back for like, two or three weeks because of his ribs, so they'll probably send a tutor or home school teacher for him so he doesn't fall even more behind that what he is."

"Oh, lucky me," I said sarcastically.

My cell phone went off again, and the message from Mrs. Knight was, "good point."

I looked at Katie and Kendall who were still staring at me. "What? Do I have something in my teeth?"

They both shrugged and looked at way the same time, like they were in synch with each other. It was kind of funny.

"You know what?" I said, "I'm kind of hungry. Think mom'll make me something to eat?"

They both gasped. "You're hungry!"

"Kind of, yeah."

So, we all went downstairs and Mrs. Knight had the same reaction. It was the first time I had eaten anything before 7:00 pm in a long, long time. It was weird, but it was something I had planned on making more frequent. After the first time I ate breakfast, I just found it…nice to have that routine. Now that I had family, friends, a home with stability, it seemed necessary to have different routines now, too. I was going to church, now. Granted it confused the crap out of me and I _never_ knew what Mr. Knight was talking about unless it was about family or Christmas.

Anyway, after the accident, it wasn't easy for me to move around. Because I had a cast on my wrist, it was difficult to use crutches, and because I had a cast on my leg, it was, you know, difficult walking, _just a little_, you know. I had a wheelchair that stayed at the bottom of the stairs, and once I was upstairs, I pretty much had to free-ball (1) how to get around.

It was weird to have to literally be cared for. Mrs. Knight kept a close eye on me and Kendall for a long, long time, and it was really, really awkward. Growing up, it was pretty much fend for yourself. Here I was, sixteen, and being cared for. I was like opposite everyone else around me. Then again, everyone is different.

There I was, sitting in the kitchen, and Mr. Knight appeared and just stared at us. "Logan," he said.

I looked up at him. Not gonna lie, I was a little high off of the pain killers I'd taken. "Yes?"

"I need to speak with you privately."

I think the highness worked in my favor, because I felt a little more braver than I'd ever had before, and I nodded, and put my fork down, and let Mr. Knight wheel me along into the living room. He parked me in front of the couch, and I got off, like it was a bus stop and I had to tuck and roll off of it. He then pushed the chair far away from me, and I was a little nervous, but I also felt a little smart-ass-like. I looked at him, patiently waiting, batting my eyelashes quickly.

"Well," he said, "First of all, I want to say that I know I haven't really been around too much, and this is probably really awkward for you because it's hard for you to think of me as authority when I haven't even been around."

That wasn't true. It was _very_ easy for me to think of him as authority. He was a ginormous preacher who let me live in his house. I could have been his slave.

"I don't know if you think I'm mad about what happened, but I'm not. I'm a preacher, we don't get mad," he winked. "But, I am disappointed in you, and Kendall. I know you both know better than to pull stunts like what had happened. Kendall knows better than to drink. He's sixteen, it is not legal for him to drink alcohol. He knows better than to tell you to drive the car without your license, but he was drinking. You know better than to drive without your license.

"I'm scared for you," he said, "with the court date. I have a fair idea of what is going to happen, and I don't want that for you or Kendall, because I know you've already learned your lessons…at the same time, you both need punishment, and you both need restitution. And that means giving back. You don't know this, but you caused a community uproar. You made the front page of the paper, and you were on the news for three nights in a row. It's just…you're not going to like what the judge has to say. I want you to be clear that whatever he or she says, you and Kendall will _happily_ oblige to it. Not that you have a choice. -"

I interrupted him. "Do you know what you're saying? You're starting to get really off topic, now."

He seemed baffled. "Excuse me? We don't say things like that."

"I was _just_ saying you sounded a little confused to me. Like you didn't have a clue what you were talking about."

"This is ridiculous, you're not supposed to keep talking back. Just stop and listen." I wondered if Mr. Knight was high from pain killers. Then, I wondered if I was imagining this whole thing. Then, I realized that was stupid, because it was obviously happening right in front of my face. Then I wondered what the hell I was wondering about, and I started to refocus my attention to Mr. Knight, who was babbling on about disrespectfulness and God.

"And furthermore," he said, "God still loves you."

"Um, okay."

He looked frustrated, like he hadn't gotten anywhere. And truthfully, he hadn't. I had basically forgotten everything he said as he said it, and all I wanted to do was giggle. I just felt like giggling, it's all I wanted, and there was Mr. Knight, big, preacher, deeeeeeeeeeep voice, trying to teach me some kind of lesson. I couldn't focus on him. I couldn't. Honestly, I was playing the piano in my head half the time, and getting lost in La, La Land and thinking of Demi Lovato herself, and trying to find out how to play her song on the piano. Yeah, I was pretty out of it.

Eventually, I got sick of sitting in there listening to him. He was a preacher, and let me tell you, preaching is what he was doing. He was going on, and on, and on about God, and how he had a reason we didn't die, and we will do whatever is thrown at us because it's what fate had intended. He talked about how I should have listened to my _brain_ before my heart, because nine times out of ten, the brain is right, and there was a _very _low chance this was the one exception. He said I would spend a lot of time at that church, and I would thank God for everything he has given me, and he meant it.

That's where I had to stop him. "Everything god has given me?" I repeated.

"God has given you many gracious gifts, Logan!" He preached, "Your family, your home."

"Recently," I said. "What about all the other times? Where was god then, 'cause he certainly wasn't giving me anything."

"He was giving you things, too, then Logan. Things you just didn'-"

"That's…no. just…,no."

"Well…He's making up for it now, right? I mean, we're not doing too bad. You're a lot easier than Jonathan ever was."

"Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing too bad now, but I'm just curious…"

"Just think of all the positive things you had back then. Your brother…,right?"

"My brother was a menace and hard to maintain," I pointed out the negatives in that cute, smart, funny, lovable, loving, energetic, caring ball of goof. I had to smile thinking about him. "But yeah, having him was nice. And my grandma, too."

"God rest her soul," said Mr. Knight.

"…yeah. Uh…well, I did have some positive things, I guess. My brother, my grandma. Her piano. My best friends."

"Was it hard to leave all that?"

"Not really. At that point I was just ready to move on." I hated how much I had been thinking about my parents. I mean, honestly, was I _that_ bad of a kid for my mom to just leave? Did I really deserve to be beat up all the time? Was it _really_ my responsibility at eight years old to take care of a baby? Then I thought, when in the hell did this get turned into a therapy session? Weren't we just talking about my punishment for totaling a $20,000 BMW?

"But it wasn't hard?"

"No. I mean, in a way, I suppose, but I'd felt like an adult for far too long and I couldn't take it any longer. There was just a point where I realized when I knew I had to do something, and I knew what I had to do."

Mr. Knight nodded in a way as to say, good for you, but instead said, "And who do you think helped you realize that?"

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "My brain," I said simply.

"God."

"…my brain."

"…God."

"Mr. Knight, god didn't do shit for me."

"Logan!" he bellowed. "_Don't_ curse, and _never say _things like that!" He seemed a little panicked as he said it, a little frantic and his hands hand ended up in the air at one point, fingers apart, in the way that Kendall always did.

I felt a little bad because he seemed so distraught about what I'd said. "I'm sorry," I said, because I felt like I owed that. "I didn't mean…well, I mean, I did, but I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."

He calmed down a little bit. "Okay, "he said, "I think we've had enough of this for now."

I had suddenly become very, very tired, and I laid down on the couch. Mr. Knight laughed a little went to the closet, getting a blanket, and throwing on top of me. I closed my eyes and took a lovely nap.

* * *

Note: Decided that was long and good enough for an update because I am very tired, but really wanted to post something. thanks for reading! (:

* * *

(1) Free-ball - as in wing it, as in improvise. I'm not sure if anyone uses this term haha, I know we do in Rhode Island, though.


	8. Days 100 through 128

Thoughts: I bought a coat the other day and it makes me look fantastic. I have to brag to everyone.

* * *

Day 100 (continued)

I didn't want to wake up when Mrs. Knight told me dinner was ready, so I didn't. I said, "no," rolled over, and went back to sleep.

I didn't wake up until the 3rd hour of Day 101, meaning three o'clock in the morning. It was dark downstairs, but it wasn't hard to miss Kendall sleeping in one of the chairs. I couldn't help but smile. "Kendall," I whispered. "Kendall. Kendall. Kendall!"

His eyes slowly opened. "What?" he said, sounding miserable.

"What are you doing?"

"_Not_ sleeping."

"I mean, why were you sleeping down here?"

"…it's hard to believe," he said, "but I couldn't sleep without hearing your obnoxious, annyoing snoring. I'm too used to it."

I was flattered, but I couldn't help but wonder why I could sleep without Kendall's snoring. I was used to it, but I could sleep without it.

I put my hand over my pained ribs and smiled at Kendall. "You know," I said, "that's probably the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

He laughed. "_Really_ now? That's sad."

"My whole life was sad, remember? And anyway, it was genuinely sweet. I appreciate it."

Kendall looked down, which meant he was blushing bashfully. Then he said suddenly, "Dude. I can't believe we got in a car accident."

"I know. I miss my piano."

"I miss my BMW."

"We fucked up."

"Yeah," he said, "there's no other phrase for it."

And there wasn't. Me driving that BMW was the biggest mistake I'd ever made when I was a teenager. Not only could I have killed myself, but I could have killed Kendall, and the passengers in the other car (who were fine, by the way. Airbags broke their noses, but that was the worst of their damage). If I had killed Kendall….I would have ended up dead because if I were still alive I would have killed myself. For a long time there wasn't a day I didn't think about that. I could have killed Kendall.

Day 102 was the court date, and Mr. Knight was right, I was _not_ happy about the outcome. Kendall and I were both required to do 500 hours of community service the moment we were able to. We were to spend some time at the old folks' home while we were immobile, and when our casts came off, we were to pick up trash at the lake and on the streets. Because I was driving without a license, I was on 'license restriction' meaning, I was not legally allowed to get my license before I was twenty one. I was livid. I was so mad that I had to wait five years. Kendall's license could not be revoked, or suspended because he was not driving. We were 'lucky' not to get jail time, but we still felt very unlucky.

"It's not that bad," said Mrs. Knight.

"Not that bad? Not that bad!" Kendall repeated. "Are there even 500 hours in a year!"

She laughed. "Of course there are sweetie. There are…well, there are a lot more hours than 500 in a year."

"8760," I said.

"What?"

"There are 8760 hours in a year. Besides, we have more than that to serve the community. He said, what, fourteen months? That part is not so bad. I've got _5 years_ till I get my license!"

"I've got ten years before I get my car back! There's no way I can make ten grand. It just can't be done. Mom, can you ask dad to borrow -"

"Kendall," She said warningly, "I already told you I'm not asking to borrow money for you. If you want to borrow the money, you can ask your father yourself."

Kendall glanced at me. "Will you -"

"_I'm_ not asking either."

He growled in frustration. "Will you at least go _with_ me!"

"Fine!"

"THANK YOU. God."

"God," I mimicked.

"Mehhehehhhh."

"Oh, grow up."

"I am grown up. You grow up!"

"Yeah, real mature."

"Real mature" he mimicked.

I rolled my eyes.

"What was that! Do you want to go, Logan? Huh? You want to take this outside! 'Cas I'll kick your crippled ass -"

"KENDALL!" Mrs. Knight gasped. "Logan, enough. This is nonsense. You both need to relax."

"We were just pretending," said Kendall. "And I didn't even mean to swear, I swear."

"Yeah, well, you better watch your mouth or I'll put hot sauce down your throat and make you wash it out with soap."

"Yeah, 'cas God totally wants you to do that," said Kendall sarcastically, with a small grin.

Day 106 was Katie's eleventh birthday, and it was a Saturday, so they had this _huge_ party at a restaurant Mr. Knight had rented completely out. I swear, everyone in the fifth grade was there, and Katie was definitely the star of the show. She really enjoyed herself, though, and it was good to have all the attention on her. The past few weeks, Kendall and I had sucked all the attention from being in the accident, and it was nice for Katie to have a turn.

Kendall went back to school on Day 107, and when he came home he was completely exhausted. He seemed so tired, and worn out, but he wanted to see his father because he _really_ wanted to ask to borrow money. It was funny to watch him as he nodded off on the couch. His eyes would close, his head would bob, and then, he would suddenly open them, and the process would start all over again.

Mr. Knight came home around five, and Kendall woke right up when he heard the door close. "DAD!" He said.

"Kendall!" said Mr. Knight, and he started laughing. "You haven't been this excited to see me home since you were little. What do you want?"

Kendall's eyes shifted. "Dad…I just need to talk to you about my current situation."

Mr. Knight sat down next to Kendall and put his arm tightly around him. This was the first time I'd ever seen something like this, and it made me feel kind of happy. "What's-a-matter baby-boy?" And he ruffled Kendall's hair.

Kendall grinned. "I see you had a good day."

"Fantastic! I had a fantastic day. Everything went my way, I found jobs for three people, I was able to raise ten grand for Mrs. Hancock, and I gave her ten grand so she could get a place, and I got the children's hospital to give her son medical attention for a very small fee. And, it's bingo night at the church after dinner."

Kendall smiled. "That's great, dad, really."

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"My mobility situation," said Kendall. "Dad, I can't get ten grand for my BMW… I mean, I can get a job, yeah, Mr. Luckovich, the owner of the rink said I could have a job at the concession stand whenever I wanted…but it would take me _years_ to match you, and I _really, really_ need that car. So I was wondering if…I could borrow the money and come up with a payment plan with you or something."

Kendall seemed very nervous now that he had said it, and had it out in the open. He glanced at me and then back at his father, who sighed.

Mr. Knight was a very charitable man, and he had a hard time saying no to anyone, let alone his son. He slowly started to nod. "I just want you to be happy, Kendall," said Mr. Knight, "and seeing your face when you got that car was the best thing I saw all last year. So, we'll go to the dealership this weekend and get you a new car. And here's the deal; you're not driving it till the cast comes off, and I don't care if you don't need your left leg to drive."

"Deal," Kendall said quickly.

Mr. Knight sighed. "Logan," he said, noticing me. "How was your day?"

"Fine."

"Just fine?"

"Dad, Logan misses his piano. He can't climb the ladder to get to it."

Mr. Knight's eyes shifted, and he looked at me. "Is this true?"

I felt a little embarrassed, but I nodded. "Yeah…"

I did miss my piano. I had played it every day till the accident; granted it was only six days, but I missed it like an addict missed their drug. I wanted so badly to play it, but even if I could get to it, I couldn't even use my left hand, and I still had no feeling in my pinky. When I said this, they both looked slightly gloomed.

"Solid argument," Kendall said.

"Valid, yes," Mr. Knight agreed.

I felt awkward.

"So, uh, how was school, Kendall?"

I looked at Kendall waiting for his answer.

"I got all caught up in Chemistry in one day," said Kendall, "and I'm halfway there with Algebra 2."

"That's great," praised Mr. Knight. "That's actually really good. It makes me _want_ to buy you a car. It makes me proud." Mr. Knight ruffled his hair again.

Kendall looked embarrassed, but he didn't say anything. The room was silent again, and it wasn't that easy, relaxed silence, it was tense and awkward, and the loudness _of_ the silence could kill you.

Between days 106-128, I was home schooled, and let me tell you, I HATE home school. It is the most BORING thing I'd ever been apart of. It's just you, and a teacher, for two - four hours a day, and she is old, and bitter, and boring, and there's no one to talk to but her. It's torture.

Her name was Mrs. Bonner, and she was about 60 years old, tall, dressed like she was in the 80's, and had gray hair in a bob. She was boring, she was annoying, and she was dumb. It was no wonder she wasn't a teacher at a _real_ school. "Did you do any of the work I gave you?"

"Um, no."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to."

"Do you understand the material?"

"Um, yes."

"So - "

"Look, this is _boring_ to me and I don't want to do it."

"Look," she said, "I don't care if this is boring to you. You have to do what you have to do to graduate, or you won't graduate at all. You have to do this."

"Fuckkkk my life."

"Don't curse."

I rolled my eyes. "Just teach me stuff so you can leave, please."

That's how most of our days went. I never did 'homework' but I still passed with flying colors because I was so good at the tests. It was too easy for me and my teacher was an annoying hag, I couldn't focus on any kind of work if I wanted to, although Mrs. Knight was encouraging.

Day 128 was exactly 7 weeks since the accident, and Kendall was getting his cast off that day. He was so excited, because he had spent lots and lots of times getting his new BMW ready for the day he could drive it. Both of my casts were schedules to come off the following week and I was so, _so_ ready for that day.

Kendall was so excited to have his cast off, but when the doctor told him no hockey for a few more weeks, he was pretty bummed. I kept reminding him of the BMW, and the deal with his dad, and as soon as that sucker was off, he could drive the car.

Kendall and I had spent about 80 hours at the retirement home, playing cards and checkers with the old folks. I played piano once with my good hand, and then that same night, Kendall played me a song on his guitar (Day 113). Kendall was great; but he didn't think so. He always practiced in the field behind his yard, and that was his 'spot'. he said as soon as we were out of these casts, he'd take me to the spot. I had really been looking forward to it.

But he played for me, and he was fantastic. He didn't think he was, but he was. He knew what he was doing, and he was confident, and that guitar sounded like it was being played by someone who'd been playing guitar for thirty years. It was incredible and I loved every minute of it.

When Kendall started walking on his leg again, he was so happy. He said, "FINALLY. Mobility. It feels like it's been forever."

"Because it has," I said, "And it's still going."

"Next week, Loge, next week," he said with a subtle wink.

I did the eyebrow thing as discretely as I could, then rolled my eyes. He tried not to smile. I mouthed the word 'what' and did a quick, 'bring it on' pose. Kendall and I were just fucking with each other. We did that often; we just found it funny and entertaining and we tried to see how long we could go unnoticed.

Mrs. Knight let Kendall drive the Honda home, because he was so excited about driving the BMW. The Honda, Kendall noted, was definitely very, very different from the BMW and he missed it so dearly and he couldn't believe how excited he was to get to drive it again.

When we got home, Kendall got me out of the car, and shoved me into the BMW.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"To the rink to watch practice!"

"I swear to God Himself, Kendall Knight, if you get on that rink you will _never _drive that BMW again!"

"I'm not!" said Kendall. "We're just going to watch!"

When we got there, the whole team was freaking out. "KENDALL! YOU'RE WALKING"

"You're not a cripple anymore!"

"It's good to see you're leg ain't dead!"

"It's about DAMN TIME this happened! Little Coach, when do you get your off?"

"Yeah Little Coach, when?"

"Yeah, Little Coach, yeah."

"Guys, chill with the Little Coach, alright? I should be getting them off next week, and he's supposed to let me go back to school."

"Wasn't he supposed to when your ribs healed?"

"Yeah, he was _supposed _to. Then he told Mom that he thought it would be better till I had the casts off because I can't write or walk till they're off."

"You're a lefty?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah, but we're not allowed to tell Dad that," said Kendall. "He believes it's the sign of the devil. I believe it's a load of crock."

I itched my chin with a smirk on my face looking at Kendall from my wheelchair. Kendall looked back at me, his ears rising as he smiled and made an evil face and he made one back, and then I made confused face and he made a surprised face, and then the team started laughing because we didn't realize all eyes had been on us since we got there.

"Okay," said James, "You two can stop acting like you're married or whatever at any time, and we can play some hockey. Are you playing?"

Kendall laughed. "If my mom didn't threaten me with the BMW, I would be, but no, not today."

"Alright, then," said James.

I nodded. "Get on the ice."

They all fled, leaving Kendall and me alone in front row of the stands. "What was that about?" Kendall asked. "Do we really act like we're married?"

I shrugged. "Probably. But who cares?"

Kendall forced back a smile. "We do, huh? I mean, we live together, we bicker, we have fun by making weird faces at each other…"

I nodded. "Oddly, I'm not creeped out."

Kendall chuckled have-heartedly, agreeing. "Me neither."

* * *

Note: sorry, I know it's not my best, but I kind of sort of started another story and I didn't want to because I wanted to finish this one first, so now I am quickly moving along so I can focus on my other one, too. But, thanks for reading!


	9. Day 129

Thought: It is a lot shorter than most of the other chapters, I know. But I hope it will be worth it. (:

* * *

Day 129.

I missed my piano so damn much, and seeing Kendall walking around made me jealous, not going to lie. I just wanted to walk up that ladder thing, to that loft and at least _see_ it. But I knew that wasn't possible. I was bound by the casts; they were taking over my whole life and I was sick of them.

Unfortunately, this meant I had attitude. Since I stayed home all day, Mrs. Knight and Mrs. Bonner got most of my jerkiness.

I was at the kitchen table with Mrs. Bonner, and I repeatedly hit my head against the table as she droned on and on about the Roaring 20's.

"Flappers," she was saying, "were the women in the 1920's, who wore like, the short red dresses, and feathers in their hairs, in the 1920's, and had short hair -"

"Basically the sluts of the 1920's, yeah, got that. Move on."

"Whoa," said Mrs. Bonner, "that was inappropriate."

"I don't even caaaaare."

"Well, you should care. You should care about what you say. You should care about this schoolwork because your future rests in what you do."

"I can't care about this. I _know_ what you're talking about already. I probably know more than you do. You're boring."

She was clearly insulted, but I was over everything. I was tired of her, I was tired of the casts, and I was tired of sitting at home all the damn time. "I have been an educator for over forty years. I think I know what I'm talking about."

I cocked my head to the side. "Oh? Well, then, _enlighten_ me, what did the Union Troops shout at the rebels upon defeated Pickett's Charge in Gettysburg?"

She said nothing, stumped.

"Do you know the _date_ this defeat took place?"

Silence.

"For your information," I said, "they shouted but one word over and over, and it was "Fredericksburg." They did this because the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia had inflicted terrible slaughter upon the Union Army of the Potomac on Marye's Heights at the Battle of Fredericksburg the year before, in much the same manner that the Union troops defeated Pickett's Charge. This happened on July 3, 1863. And, if your brain was made out of chocolate, it wouldn't be enough to fill an M&M."

I had to add that last part to keep my own sanity. She was pissing me off with her stupidity; enough was enough. I was done with Mrs. Bonner. I didn't care, and I didn't want to learn from her…I _couldn't_ learn from her because she taught me nothing but stuff I already knew.

"Excuse me?"

"Did I stutter? Or are you possessed by a retarded ghost?"

"Logan! I will _not_ be spoken to in such manners-"

"I'd really like to see things from your point of view, really, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass, so…"

With that, she hastily and roughly gathered her items and stormed into the living room. I heard her shouting at Mrs. Knight, "I'M DONE. I WILL NEVER COME BACK TO THIS HOUSE AGAIN!"

I felt like I had accomplished a mission.

I heard the door slam and a car speed off, and Mrs. Knight rushed into the kitchen, where I sat at the table with my pages of undone work. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"I can't believe that. What just went on in here?"

I winced as I knew I had to tell her what just happened. "Well…I sort of told my teacher she was a retarded ghost with a chocolate brain that couldn't fill an M&M."

"You didn't," she said, baffled, confused and slightly upset

I nodded. "I did. Then I told her I couldn't see things from her point of view because I couldn't my head that far up my ass. And it was worth it honestly, she is a dreadful woman, a hag, a fiend and she's the kind of person you would use as a blueprint to make an idiot out of _and_ she couldn't even answer a simple-"

"I don't care if she was Satan himself!" said Mrs. Knight, "You can't _speak_ to people like that, Logan! Especially people who just want to help you."

"I think I can. Because I just did."

Mrs. Knight rubbed her forehead hard, something she did when she was frustrated and didn't have anything to punch. "Logan, what have you been taught about back-talking?"

"Apparently not much because I still do it," I said, "Karen, honestly, I'm trapped. I can't even stand myself anymore. I'm cooped up in this house all day, you make me sit at this table for hours with that god-awful woman, and-"

"Logan, sweetie, take a deep breath, okay? You just need to calm down.-"

"I AM CALM."

"Um, no, you're not. You're kind of freaking out."

"I'm claustrophobic and trapped in this house, in these casts. This was bound to happen."

"I've never seen you act like this."

"I'm not acting! I'm really and asshole, I swear. I was just being good before, but now I'm sick of this. I need to get out of these, I'm going to go crazy. I think I'm losing more and more marbles every time I talk, or look at the clock to see it's only been _one_ minute! I'm dying, here, dying."

"You're being dramatic-"

"WHEN IS KENDALL COMING HOME!"

Mrs. Knight sighed. "Kendall will be home in a half hour. Relax."

"_Please_ go get him right now."

"I'm not pulling Kendall out of school-"

"I NEED KENDALL! I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!"

She obviously didn't know how to respond to this behavior of mine. It was the first time I _freaked_ out like this, especially with Mrs. Knight. She seemed a little panicky, and I knew I'd get her to cave. I didn't exactly know why I needed to see Kendall, but I just felt like I needed him.

"Logan-"

"KENDALL."

"Logan! You need to just-"

"KENDALL."

"FINE!" She said, "Sweet Lord, please hush this boy up. I'll call the school and tell them to tell Kendall to drive home immediately. Okay? Will that help you calm down and stop yelling?"

"WHO'S YELLING?"

"You." She went over to the phone and pressed buttons, calling the school. "Hi, this is Mrs. Knight, Kendall Knight's mom. We're having a bit of a crisis here and I need you to tell him to come home immediately."

She gave some personal information to make sure she wasn't some psycho child-rapist or Kendall-killer, and once she hung up she turned to me, and said, "Kendall is on his way home, okay? Just…I just need you to stay calm and relax. Be relaxed, Loge, okay?"

"Can't I just get these off now? What is the point with waiting another week? Will it _really_ make a difference?"

"Probably not, but we're not taking any chances."

"I need Kendall," I repeated.

Mrs. Knight nodded. "I know," she said. "He's coming."

When Kendall got home, he ran inside. "WHAT is going on!"

I smiled happily. "KENDALL!" I said, and opened my arms. He came into me and accepted the hug.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft.

"Now," I said.

He led the way up the stairs to our room, where he wanted us to talk privately.

"What happened?" He sat next to me on my bed, instead of sitting opposite me on his bed.

"My teacher quit. I said mean things to her."

"Why did you say mean things to your teacher?"

"'Cause she's dumber than nails and I let her know. Then I got frustrated with these casts and I just needed to talk to you because I know you understand."

"This is the first time you've freaked out like this, huh?"

I nodded.

"Something's bothering you, isn't it? What happened on this day in the past, Loge? You can tell me. You know you can trust me."

"…this is the day my mom left."

Kendall nodded. "So that's why you're acting like an arrogant two year old?"

It was my turn to nod.

"Everything is okay, though, right? Because you're here with me, right now, and nothing else matters. Just us."

"Well, yeah, everything is okay, but…I just wish…there are so many things I wish I could change. There are so many things I wish I didn't have to think about and every time a day like this comes around I just…" I shook my head. "I feel like I should have done something differently and I feel like I…-"

"It wasn't your fault," Kendall said when I lost my train of thought. "How could anything you have done-"

"Because I fucked everything up, Kendall! You don't get it. You don't…you don't know what happened."

His voice was soft again. "So…tell me. If you tell me some secrets about you, I'll tell you my biggest secret of all."

"I'm not convinced."

"It helps if someone else knows," said Kendall. "Then I can talk to you when you have a bad day. This is the hard part, I know. But it always gets worse before it gets better, Logan, you should know that."

I nodded, accepting this. "Okay," I said, taking in a deep breath. "Okay. My parents were teenagers when I came along, and don't even tell me it's not my fault I was born, I already know that. But that's what started all my mom's problems. She had been happy with my dad, even though he was a schizophrenic murderer, she loved him. And she had to take care of me by herself for a while, and she didn't like it.

"Eventually, she had stopped caring. Her mom took care of me for a while, but she was so sick…she couldn't…" I left that alone. Grandma was a touchy subject…well, the whole thing was a touchy subject, but Grandma devoted her last breaths to me. I couldn't stand to face that fact.

"My dad beat me," I said finally. I swore my heart stopped as I said it. "Every day, for as long as I can remember. And my mom didn't care…she just didn't care, my grandmother didn't know. Every day was a different kind of struggle, and I honestly believed I deserved everything I got.

"My mom, she just…she was kind of like the rock, you know? She tied us all together, me, Dad, my brother, her. Especially after Grandma died, but she couldn't do anything to stick up for me, because he hit her too. There was one day where she just…left. I was nine. She couldn't take care of us, so she left us with him, and things got worse because I couldn't cook, or clean like she could, and I certainly had a hard time taking care of my brother.

"I just feel like if I had been better, and _listened_ better things would have been better. I always had a problem listening and I just…you know, there are things that I never thought…my dad, he did…he wasn't a good father. He told me a lot of lies and I was young, and naïve and I believed him. I will never forgive my mother for leaving us. But that's my mom, you know? I wish I knew where she was, or what she was doing, or if she was okay.

"Okay, now it's your turn. Talk. Tell me something I don't know."

Kendall seemed a little thrown off by my sudden change of subject but to him a promise was a promise, and I knew he was about to tell me his biggest secret.

His eyes studied mine for a few moments, as if he were scared, or as if he couldn't believe I had stopped talking already.

I had expected him to have a big story like mine. But he said but two words. "I'm gay."

* * *

Note: Is that a good cliffhanger? they're my favs, but i usually can't write them haha. sorry if it was lame. thanks for reading! (:


	10. Day 129 Continued

Thoughts: So, I'm totally pumped. 14 reviews for one chapter in less than 24 hours. Like, I'm pumped haha. So motivated to share this story with you guys now. You make me so happy that I could write forever.

Speaking of writing, my sister just read me something she wrote her boyfriend for Valentines Day. Anybody want to be my Valentine! Haha.

Okay. Enough of my annoying talking. Or typing. On with the storyy (:

* * *

Day 129 (continued)

I didn't necessarily know how I was supposed to react. I didn't know if Kendall wanted me to be like, "oh, hey, it's okay, yeah, me too." Honestly, I'd never even thought about it. I spent my childhood being beaten, and tortured, and Kendall spent his worshipping God, and the Holy Bible…obviously, he spent his time as one confused kid.

I just kind of watched him as he studied me, but I sure kept my poker face, not wanting him to gain any kind of access to my thoughts at all. I wasn't even sure if I had any. But I knew that I had just spilled some secrets, and he _definitely_ spilled his biggest one of all, and I had to commend him for that. I still hadn't told him my biggest secret, and I hadn't told him any of the secrets my father told me.

I found myself thinking about the concept of secrets, and how weird it felt to live with them. Everyone has secrets, whether they know it or not, and sometimes their secrets become their habits, and their lifestyle. Kendall's secret was basically the motherload of secrets when it came to his situation. He was raised by a man who honestly believed with his whole heart that a man belonged with a woman, that God was always right, and there was no way around that.

I could feel Kendall tense up and become awkward as we continued to sit in silence. I didn't feel awkward for once, though. I just felt curious. I wondered how he knew, especially because he was still a virgin. I wondered when he realized it. I wondered if I was the first person he told.

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

I shifted my eyes. "No."

"Don't you have anything to say?"

"I'm collecting my thoughts here."

"Because you never thought about it, right? Never thought this was possible? Trust me, neither did I."

"Then how do you know?"

"Maybe it's the fact that I don't find women attractive at all. But honestly, I think it was Brokeback Mountain that really made me just _know_. You can't find love like that with a woman. And Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are both…well, you know, attractive."

I smirked, "did that movie turn you on?"

"This isn't funny," he whined. "This is serious, Logan. What the hell do I do now? What the hell do you even think of all this?"

"What I think shouldn't even matter," I said, "as long as you're happy with yourself-"

"But I'm not!" he said, pulling at the strings on his sweatshirt. "I'm not happy with myself. I feel like my brain is ripping my heart apart. I'm so confused about everything, and I've never…wait, why on _Earth_ would you think that your thoughts don't matter? They matter most to me! You're my _best_ friend, you're my roommate, you're my - you're…-"

He cut himself off there and started shaking his head. I couldn't ask him to finish that sentence because I recalled doing the same thing as I told him about my secret and he didn't press me to continue.

"Logan," he said after a second, "I've never told anyone this. I know it's not easy to 'come out', per se, but how the hell am I expected to explain this to my father? He won't…I mean…Logan, he honestly believes that men who love other men and women who love other women are being called out by Satan. He believes they are his followers, and he believes that God has no intention for gays. He believes if a gay person doesn't resist being gay at all costs, then they're useless to God. And anyone useless to God is useless to him."

I could understand that, believe it or not.

"Have you ever had sex?" I asked him.

"Ew," he said, "I can't have sex before marriage!"

"Well, what has god done for you?"

"What hasn't God done for me? He's done everything-"

"Then He'll forgive you."

"I know," said Kendall, whining yet again, "but it's not God I'm worried about. It's my father. I was Baptized, God will forgive me for my sins, I truly believe that with all my heart. But Dad won't believe that. You know him. You know he won't believe that this is okay, or that God will forgive me if I don't resist Satan's urge."

I didn't want to tell him to tell his father, because I didn't think that was in his best interest. He was smart, talented, and could do absolutely anything he set his mind to. But he was right, and his father wasn't going to approve, or see this Kendall's way. There wasn't ever going to be a day that this would happen. Mr. Knight was a family man, yes, but he would _always_ put God and his beliefs before any of us, before his wife, his son, his daughter, me. It was a heartbreaking for me to see Kendall like this, so distraught and confused and brokenhearted himself by this. I could tell he didn't want this for himself, that he wanted to be straight. But it wasn't because _he_ wanted to be straight, it was because he wanted to please his father. And pleasing a parent is one of the hardest things a teenager will ever strive to do. Especially with Kendall, especially with Mr. Knight, and especially at this time.

"I'll tell him eventually," said Kendall. "But for now you're the only one I feel comfortable knowing this. This is the biggest burden in my life and I wish it would all just go away."

I bit my lip and didn't let the crocodile tears in my eyes fall.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked, seeming to be glad that he wasn't talking about his situation anymore.

"My dad is gay, I think," I said to him.

"Is that why you're about to cry?" he asked, his voice low and full of compassion.

I shook my head. "He used to tell me secrets," I said. "And I never thought he lied. I just…one of the secrets…the secret he reminded me of most often was that sons always do what they can to protect their fathers, and make their fathers happy, and a father wasn't supposed to do that for a son, because the son was lucky enough to be taken care of."

Kendall was clearly confused, not knowing where I was heading with this, what I was getting at, or what this was about to lead up to.

"I was six the first time he told me that secret," I said. "And it wasn't long after that when he told me another secret. That all little boys have to please their fathers."

I felt him shiver as I trembled, our arms touching and he started shaking. I took a deep breath and calmed myself down a little. "That same night was the first night he ever raped me."

I couldn't believe I had said it. My heart pounded in my chest and it felt like it was going to come out of my mouth. I was so sick to my stomach telling this, but I felt like I had to. Not for the sake of myself or my sanity or whatever. But because Kendall had told me the biggest burden in his life, the one that he wished would just all go away. The least I could do was do the same.

"I didn't know what was going on for a while because he kept telling me secret after secret. All dads do this to their sons. All sons are supposed to never tell, like they're supposed to never tell where they get their bruises. He would always say, _all_ sons, _all_ sons, but he, thankfully, never did any of this to my brother. I don't know what it was that made him want to do these things. He still had my mom at the time…he just did…he would make me…"

Kendall's voice was so, so soft. "What would he make you do?"

This was the most elaborate I had ever gotten, and to this day, I never described it like this, I never described it at all. "He would shove his penis in my mouth at first. …he put it in my ass after mom left. If I didn't do what he wanted, he would beat me, and beat me and beat me till I could barely breathe and trust me when I say this happened more than once. I never told because I grew up being taught to never tell these secrets. I was trapped. Then, I had sex with Lilliana Lovely and she saw the bruises, and she told me that if someone was hitting me, then I _had_ to tell. Thirteen days later, I did."

When I looked at Kendall he was crying. I was crying too, but I didn't even realize it. I wondered if he had realized it, too.

"I don't know what to say," he said.

I shook my head. "I don't expect you to. I don't know what I want to hear."

"…do my parents know?"

I shook my head. "They know he hit me."

"Is that why you tend to stay out of conversations involving sex?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. But I talk about it sometimes."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Logan," he said, "I never thought you'd tell me something like that. I mean…I knew you had problems but I didn't know they were like that."

"…likewise."

"It's different," said Kendall.

"But they're both damaging," I said. "He loved me. I know he did. Just not in any normal way. Your dad loves you, but not in a normal way, because if he did, he would accept anything you threw at him."

"How do you feel about it?" he asked suddenly. "Does it make you feel awkward?"

"I don't feel awkward…I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel about anything. I don't even know if I'm _allowed_ to feel anything."

Kendall chuckled, and sniffled. "Of course you are. Everyone feels something. Good or bad. It's pretty rare to find one that's empty, and from what I can tell, you're a big ball of emotions."

I laughed at that last comment, and nodded. "Well…I think I don't feel anything because I just assume things will still be the same. You're still Kendall, I'm still Logan, and we're here together. That's all that matters, right?" I smiled as a repeated what he'd said earlier. He smiled too.

I didn't know exactly how it happened, but I was suddenly hugging Kendall, then _kissing_ Kendall, then jumping away quickly. He did the same thing. "Ooooh shit," I said.

He seemed slightly panicky. "Are you gay?" he whisper-yelled.

I slapped my head, hard with my cast. "I don't _know._ I don't know _anything_. I don't…I don't think so. How the _hell_ did that just happen!" I was whisper-yelling back.

His hands went in the hair. "I don't know either!"

I fell back on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. Kendall stayed sitting up. We left each other to ponder and contemplate on what had just happened. I couldn't believe Kendall and I kissed, it was quick, and it was simple, and wet, but it was oddly natural and I was a little weirded out about how right it felt.

"What are you thinking about?" Kendall asked after a few minutes of silence.

My eyes shifted from one swirly circle to the other, and thought about how those two circles would live next to each other, forever. For a moment, I thought I was high by thinking about this, but then it occurred to me that one day, I would spend the rest of my life next to someone. I had never even thought that it would be a man. But I had never even thought that it would be a woman, either. I _always_ figured it would just be with the person I loved most. And as Kendall asked that question, I realized he was the person I had loved most. But I didn't know if I was _in_ love with him. There were things I just didn't think of, and having a significant other was one of them. I had so many new changes on my plate already, but now, that I had finally settled down, that I was comfortable with this family, that I knew Mrs. Knight was always on my side, I thought about it.

The thought of Kendall liking me crossed through my head, and I didn't know what to think. Kendall was just Kendall.

I shook my head. "Your parents are letting me live here."

Kendall nodded.

"They've given me everything."

Kendall nodded.

"They take _care_ of me and care about me."

Kendall nodded.

"We sleep in the _same_ room."

Kendall nodded.

"If I ever had a crush on you," said Kendall, "It probably started about when you said 'that's all that matters'."

"I stole that from you," I pointed it out.

"That's my favorite part."

I wanted to smile, but I couldn't. "Kendall, we can't do anything. This won't work. I just…I'm not…I don't know what I am. I just need to think about it. And even then, I don't even know if I could _ever_, like…be _with_ you with you, because your parents are my parents…you're like my brother."

"But we're not."

"But you're like -"

"I understand what you're saying," said Kendall. "I'm not dumb. But I was just saying that we are not related at all. And, I know we can't do anything. Because I'm not really gay yet."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean? I mean that I'm not telling _anyone_. Therefore I'm not dating _anyone _therefore nobody will ever know a thing about this conversation. This is ours."

I smiled. If I ever had a crush on Kendall, it probably started when he said nobody would know a thing about our conversation.

* * *

Note: Yeah, so your reviews motivated me last time. wonder what they can do this time...haha. thanks for reading! (:


	11. Days 130 and 131

Thoughts: Sorry it took a lot longer to update. It starts off pretty slow because I had writer's block, but I eventually got over it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!

**Sharon**, lessthanthreeyou, girl. I will respond to your lovely messages as soon as i can. (:

* * *

Day 130.

I had five days till I got my casts off. _Five_. They seemed like they could _torture_ me, and oh, they were. When I had woken up that morning, I didn't feel like getting up out of bed. I had been so depressed about not being able to do anything, that I just didn't want to do anything but be depressed about not doing anything. It was quite a thought, but I couldn't shake it.

Kendall, who had been up for like, two hours, stared at me. "Are you going to get up?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"Are you going to do anything?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"So you're just going to be a lump, sitting there, all day, doing nothing?"

"Basically."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just peachy. I'm an awesome possum and you are a silly penguin."

"Are you on drugs?"

I chucked. "I wish."

"Hey," said Kendall, "think of it this way. As soon as you get those casts off you're just going to have to go to school and to community service and actually _work_ instead of playing cards with old people."

"At least I'll be _doing_ something."

Then, we heard a knock on the door and stared at it as Mrs. Knight entered. "Good morning, boys," she said. "I just got off the phone with Margaret."

My heart dropped. "Kelso?"

"Yes. She wants to see you."

"What for?"

Mrs. Knight shrugged. "I'm not really sure. This is the first time she's mentioned wanting to see you. Even after I told her about the accident and stuff…she said it was urgent, so I told her she can come on over. I think she wants to take you out to lunch or something."

I rolled my eyes. "Fantastic," I said sarcastically. "So this means I've got to get up?"

Mrs. Knight laughed. "Yeah. I know how hard that is for you, but it'll be good for you. I think."

Kendall grabbed my good arm and yanked me up. "Get up, Grumpy, and go take a shower."

I pushed him down onto my bed hard once I was up, and made my way to the bathroom, showering quickly and dressing with just as much speed.

I hopped down the stairs quickly, and shoved half a pancake into my mouth.

"How about a plate?" Mrs. Knight asked.

I shook my head and chewed till it was okay to swallow and said, "No need, all done."

She laughed. "Next time try chewing instead of inhaling. You might actually taste something good."

I shrugged. "I don't know about that. Seems like a lot of work. So, Kelso didn't say what she wanted to talk about?"

"She didn't mention anything about it at all. She said it was something she had to discuss with you."

"That's weird. This is like, the first time she's even contacted me since she dropped me off here."

"Well, I have talked to her, and kept her updated of course," said Mrs. Knight. "You're easy to handle, believe it or not."

I shrugged. "I've been told I'm easy before."

Kendall, at the table, choked on whatever it was in his mouth.

Mrs. Knight's eyes shifted from him to me multiple times and then she laughed and mumbled, "Boys." before proceeding to pick up the mess she had made making breakfast.

"No, so, she really didn't say anything?" I asked again, balancing myself on one crutch. I'd gotten pretty good at using it, but it was awkward. I did a lot of periodic hopping.

"No, sweetie, she just said she wanted to take you out."

"So, not even a-"

"Nothing. That's it."

Well, I didn't have to wait too long for Kelso to show up, and I sat in the familiar front seat of her car, it seemed impossible. How was it just 130 days ago I was in this car, literally being forced to come? Now I was willingly sitting in it, with every intention on going back.

Kelso brought me to a coffee shop, which was unlike her, but I wasn't complaining. I liked coffee, especially coffee that I didn't have to pay for. We sat at a table with our coffees, and Kelso studied me for a few moments. I let her.

"You look good. Well, besides the casts and scars."

I laughed. "I have a way of making everything look good."

She smiled. "You sound very confident. I like that. It's different, it's not vulnerable, which is what you were the last time I spoke to you."

"Well, that was a long time ago. Things have changed."

"Oh, yeah? I recall you saying on our last meeting that you would never change."

I smirked. "Like I said, things changed. That did, too."

"So, how have you liked being here? At the school? With the Knights?"

"Good, good and great," I replied quickly, wanting to get to the point of this meeting. I was so curious about what the urgent news was that Kelso had for me. I wanted to know what it was so badly, that I couldn't contain myself. "What is the point of this get-together today?"

Her eyes shifted. "Well…I just had something to tell you. It's just - uh, well…your mom wants to see you."

My heart dropped to my stomach. Could this be true? And if it was, _how_ was this happening?"

"She contacted us, but uh, well, we explained to her what happened. How Noah was adopted, and how you were in foster care, probably permanently. You can't go back to your mom, Logan. She abandoned you therefore neglecting you, and not doing her duty as a parent for, what? Seven years? But the Law can't decide whether you want to see her or not. That's something you have to choose."

I didn't know what to say. I was still slightly baffled by what she had said and it took me a minute to register all that backup information. It was good to know she was alive, was the first thought I had. But then I started to _really_ think about her and about what she had done for me, good and bad. I looked at Kelso. "Right now, I have to choose?"

"Oh, no, no, sweetie," she said, "You can decide whenever you're ready. But keep in mind, she might not wait for you to decide."

It sounded, to me, like Kelso wanted me to see my mother. My mom, in retrospect, didn't exactly do anything wrong. She wasn't the best parent, sure, and she certainly wasn't a good teenager either, but she was just as much victim as I was. 'You tell anyone what I do, I'll slit your throat so fast you won't even be able to call the kid yours,' I had heard my father telling my 18 year old mother when I was 3.

"She wants to see me," I repeated. "How'd she know who to call?"

Kelso shrugged. "By calling around, I guess. Maybe she talked to your father. Who knows?"

I went back home after we finished coffee, there was really not much else to talk about. I already had someone to talk to everything about, and so did Kelso.

When I got home, Mrs. Knight, Kendall and Katie were all eagerly waiting to hear what Kelso had to say. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to discuss it. I mean, I knew I had to talk to _someone_ about it eventually, but it was weird being targeted all at once.

Nonetheless, I answered the question when it was asked. "What did she have to tell you?"

I sighed, "She told me my mom wants to see me."

Kendall hesitated, Mrs. Knight seemed just astounded. "I…what? Please repeat that…"

I bit my lip, a little nervous now. "She told me my mom wants to see me," I said again. "Kelso said I can decide whenever I want, but that my mom might not want to still see me after too long, or she might not wait around for me. I wanted to talk with you guys first…I mean, it's kind of a big deal."

I was nervous about their opinions. I wanted them so badly to tell me not to go. I wanted Mrs. Knight to wrap her arms around me, tell me that I was _her_ baby, and that she absolutely forbade me to see this woman. But when did I ever get what I wanted?

"God wants you to see her," said Mrs. Knight, "otherwise, she wouldn't be trying to see you."

Kendall, whose eyes hadn't shifted from me, said, "You're never going to know what she wants to say unless you go to hear it. Give it a shot. What have you got to lose?"

That wasn't what I had wanted, or expected, Kendall to say, but it made sense. I had thought Kendall would tell me it was a dumb idea. That seeing my mother would ruin everything that it took to get me to where I was. That I shouldn't see her, because there was once a time she didn't _want_ to see me, so I shouldn't _want_ to see her. But he always had a way of making me think differently. What the hell _did_ she want?

Mrs. Knight told me if I wanted to see my mother, they were going to support me. They were going to be there on the sidelines, and if anything went down, they would be there at the end of the day to bring me back up, because, as Katie puts it, "that's what family does."

I nodded. "I'll sleep on it," I said, "and call Kelso tomorrow after church."

That night, while I laid in my bed, thinking _four_ days till I got those casts off, Kendall perched himself up on an elbow and stared at me. I could feel his eyes on me, and I turned my head to look at him. I laughed. "What?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just thinking."

"About…?" I questioned.

He shrugged again. "I don't know. You, I think."

"…you think you're thinking about me? Be honest with me, Kendall Knight. You know I hate a liar."

He nodded. "I'm just thinking about you seeing your mom."

"Do you think I should?"

He nodded again. "I think you should. But I'm just afraid because I don't know what will happen, and I don't know what she has to say, and I'm…I don't want to see you hurt, or anything. I don't want you to set yourself up for disaster. I'm scared for you."

I contemplated this. Kendall did have a point, but it seemed as though he _didn't _think I should see her. But he was just as curious as I was to know what she wanted to say to me, and I was too. It was a relief to know that she was alive. I hadn't seen her since I was, what? Nine? And now, all of a sudden, here she is, and she wants to see me. _she_ walked out on _me.__I_ should want to see _her_. But I was skeptical and I had my doubts, and I didn't want to see her unless she wanted to see me. I never thought the day would actually come.

The morning of Day 131 was the last day I was going to church as a cripple, and I was pretty excited to think that. I dressed in my suit and I thought I looked good. My scabs had healed to scars which were fading nicely. Kendall's scar, the moon-shaped one was bulky, and not even Neosporin would help it. The one on his forehead, the one that made him feel like Harry Potter, didn't poke out as much, but it wasn't fading as well as mine. I thought it fair since I had to be in _two_ casts, and for a _week_ longer.

I called Kelso when I got home from Church; Kendall was in the room with me and I put her on speakerphone so his nosy ass could hear. "Margaret Kelso," she answered.

"Kelso, it's Logan."

"Logan, hi, sweetie, how are you feeling today?"

"Um, good," I said. "How are you feeling?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. I shrugged at him.

"I'm feeling good. It's a beautiful day for February."

"Yeah. Uh, listen. I did some thinking and I talked about the whole situation with my family." I easily noticed Kendall smile as I said this. "And I'll do it. I'll see her."

"Oh," she said, sounding pretty shocked. "Okay, that's…great. She's got to go back soon…I mean, can you see her today?"

My eyes went big. "Um…? Go back where? I was kind of hoping to wait till my casts came off."

Kendall looked at me concernedly and mouthed, "why today?"

I shrugged.

"She's…it's complicated. I'm pretty sure she just wants to tell you everything, honey, and…I know this is a lot of pressure on you, and I know you weren't expecting this. She had planned on waiting for you, but things are complicated."

"Everything is always complicated," I said sighing. "Well, I mean, I guess I'll see her today…"

"Perfect. Do you want me to pick you up after I call her, or…?"

Kendall shook his head vigorously and pointed to himself.

"No," I said, "Kendall will bring me. Just call her and tell her to go to the McDonald's inside the Valley Plaza at like, one."

It was right next to the hockey rink, and I figured I'd give Kendall something to do because he was _not_ going to sit there with me as this happened, that was for sure.

"Okay. Are you sure you don't -"

"I'm sure."

"Okay. Call me later, okay?"

"Maybe."

She sighed. "I'll talk to you later, Logan. Bye."

"Alright, bye." I hung up quickly and looked at Kendall. "This sucks," I said. "I'm all crippled."

He laughed. "You've been that way for months, you'd think you'd be used to it by now. Are you sure you want to do this? You can blow her off, you know."

I nodded. "I know. But this has to be done. We both know it."

I changed out of church clothes and into day clothes, and Kendall and I went outside. "Man, I can't wait for the snow to start to melt so we can go back to my spot," he said. "If we didn't get hurt, I'd show you how beautiful it is covered in snow. But, _I_ can't even get over the snow blocking the path, and I'm _not_ shoveling."

I had forgotten about the beautiful secret spot Kendall had shown me. I glanced towards the path, and he was right, snow completely blocked it. It was exciting to see Kendall excited about something as simple as a spot.

I got in the front passenger seat of the BMW and suddenly felt sick. I gripped the door handle tightly as Kendall got in the driver's seat. "Man, I love the smell of new BMW's," he said, putting the key in the ignition. I buckled up and so did he, and he backed out of the driveway slowly, shifted, and we headed towards the plaza in silence.

Kendall parked in front of the McDonald's and I glanced at the clock that said 12:33 p.m. He turned the key and shut the car off. I still had my hand on the handle and he looked at me. "Hey, are you okay?"

I nodded slowly. "I'm okay," I said.

"Somehow, I don't believe you. I'll help you inside, get you something to eat, and leave when she comes. Okay?"

I nodded, thinking this was a good plan, and he patted my hand quickly. "Everything will be okay. Don't assume it won't just because it's been so long. Maybe time was a good thing."

I shrugged and opened the door, being done with this conversation, being done with talking about things I couldn't change, and Kendall opened his door, too, getting the hint. He got out and helped me out, telling me to be careful of the ice and got my crutch from the backseat. We went into the McDonald's, and Kendall picked a secluded table that was near the front counter for me to sit at.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I don't care. Whatever."

"Are you hungry?"

I made a 'kinda' gesture, and he nodded, going over to the front counter and standing behind the old couple ordering coffees and apple pies, studying the menu. He looked pretty cute being curious, I had to admit. My hands shook as I waited, and my good foot tapped along to Taylor Swift playing throughout the store. The cute girl on drive thru sang along.

Kendall came back within five minutes with a tray. He had gotten me Sprite, knowing it's my favorite, a grilled ranch snack wrap, knowing I hated honey mustard, and a small fry. He had a regular sized Big Mac meal with a Coke, which he downed quickly. I didn't eat much of my fries, but Kendall ate them for me so we didn't waste anything. I ate the snack wrap though, it was banging and I kept the Sprite in my hands even though I didn't drink it.

Kendall stood up at five minutes to one and threw away the trash and put the tray in the tray return spot. "I'm going to run next door," he said, "you've got your phone. Text me, call me, whatever. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

"I've got your back, Loge."

I smiled. "I know, Kendall."

He smiled quickly at me before going out the door, and I watched him make his way over to the rink and slip inside through the doors swiftly.

My heart raced as one o'clock approached, and I wasn't even sure if I would recognize this woman. I hadn't seen her in like seven years, and I was nervous I wouldn't even know who she was. But I was wrong. I recognized her immediately, walking in looking slightly lost, she wasn't very tall, but she was taller than me by a hair. She was very skinny and frail looking, and her hair was curly and all about. Those eyes, I'd seen them before. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw those eyes. The goose pimples ran down my arms, legs and neck when I realized it was her.

She had seen me almost instantly, and I knew she knew I was who she was looking for. A faint smile on her face, she approached me and sat opposite me at the table Kendall picked out. I nervously played with the cup in my hands and tried to look busy. My heart beat hard in my chest and I so badly wanted to hit fast forward with my universal remote and get these next few moments over with.

I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking this was a dream, but when I opened them she was still there, and she was smiling bigger now. "You're so stunning," she said, "just like I remember. You've grown so much…"

"Yeah," I agreed, "that's usually what happens to kids."

She studied me. "I, um, saw on the news about the accident. If I told you how I'd felt when I heard, you probably wouldn't believe me."

I didn't know what to say.

She clearly understood that. "I know you don't understand why I left. I don't know if you ever will -"

"Oh, I understand," I said, interrupting, being myself, and a bit too harsh, but not even caring. "I understand why you left, honestly, I do. He was psychotic. He hurt you and you had to get away…but I'll never understand why you left Noah and I. Especially knowing how he is, and how he treated me, and you just left us there with him. He could have killed me, easily. If he wasn't in jail, he probably would have killed me already. And you weren't there, so you must not have cared."

She looked like she was going to cry, but at this point I honestly couldn't care less anymore. I didn't care about _why_ we were there, I didn't care about her feelings, or about what I was saying. _She_ wasn't my mom. I had one of those back at my home. "I cared," she said, "I cared so much about you and Noah, Logan, you'll never see it because I left. But I _had_ to leave, and I _couldn't_ take you with me. I just couldn't…I wouldn't have been able to feed you, I wouldn't have been able to provide you with clothes, or with a home, with heat, a place to shower and sleep. I could not do that for you. He could. Your father could and he did. He just…didn't take _care_ of you like I could have-"

"You know what a parent does? A parent makes sacrifices for their children. Tell me what you did, please, honestly. You leaving was the worst thing you could have done. You didn't sacrifice yourself for Noah, or for me. You just left and avoided the situation. You know what a sacrifice is? A sacrifice is telling your guidance councilor when you're thirteen years old that you can't see your five year old brother anymore because you don't want him to know any part of the life he'd had. A sacrifice is giving up your childhood to take care of an infant because your so-called mother is an alcoholic and lets your father beat the shit out of you, and molest you from the time you're born. A sacrifice is not having friends, not playing on teams or getting involved, falling behind in school trying to be a parent, a wife and a kid.

"I was _nine_ when you left. Want to know what he did if I didn't cook dinner? Want to know what he did if the baby cried? Want to know what he did when he realized you were never coming back? Cause I can tell you right now, it wasn't pretty."

The Sprite cup in my hands was crushed a little but it went unnoticed.

She was crying at this point, but my heart of stone felt no compassion, felt no mercy. "I thought I was doing what was best for you and Noah. I thought he would get better because _I_ was the problem!"

"Well GUESS WHAT! **_HE_** was the problem! The whole time! That schizophrenic maniac you 'loved'. It wasn't me, it wasn't Noah, and it wasn't you. It was him. And you were, and obviously are still too dumb to realize that." I wanted to stop myself before I got too mean. I knew this was going to be the last time I ever saw this woman, and I didn't want it to consist of me yelling, calling her names, and making her cry. "Why did you even want to see me?"

"You look just as you did when you were little," she said, "that baby face, those eyes, the perfect teeth. You're my baby, Logan. You were my first child, and you were honestly the first boy I ever loved. I never thought life would be like this. I never imagined…I'm dying. I have cancer. I found out a few months after I left and I thought once I'd beat it, I would go back. I would find you, and Noah, and I would save you. But I can't even save myself, and you're such a strong, brilliant young man, and you've found a way to save Noah and yourself. I know this doesn't mean much to you anymore, but I am very, very proud of you. Even now, even after what you've said. I don't have much time left these days and I wanted to see you before it was too late. Don't worry, I'm not going to contact Noah. But I wrote him a letter for his new parents to give him on his 18th birthday, if that's okay, with you, I mean. I…I…

"I wanted to tell you I was sorry for leaving you. I know words aren't enough, but I never meant to hurt you…I just hope you can forgive me. I hope you think maybe I wasn't as bad as dad, and I'm praying, _praying_ on my knees to dear God, like I have every night since I left, that you'll be okay. But from what I hear from Ms. Kelso, you're doing fantastically. I know it was hard, and life wasn't easy, but now I'm glad I left, because now you live with the Knights, and they take better care of you than I ever could have. Even with you in those casts. Imagine where you'd be if I didn't leave. You'd still be taking care of Noah, but you'd be taking care of me. I never wanted that for you, but…Noah, and you…you're happy, healthy, and safe. That's all that matters now."

I didn't feel guilty and I had no regrets. I gave a quick nod. "I'm sorry that we never got the chance to know each other," I said, "we could have been great friends, I think."

She smiled and wiped her eyes. "I think so, too. I'm so glad you agreed to see me…I think we both needed this."

I had agreed. It was definitely good for me, and it was definitely good for her. We had closure. Although this went unsaid, it was obvious that talking to me was all she had left to do before she died, and she had finally did it. "I gave Ms. Kelso the letter I wrote to Noah," she said. "I told her you could read it if you wanted to."

I said, "Thanks. I appreciate that." And I honestly did, and I was kind of curious to see what she had to say to him. I thought about writing him a letter myself.

I got the cute girl behind the counter to take a picture of my mom and me with my cell phone. It took one shot, and the lighting at McDonald's was great, so the first picture was good. Not like we would take anymore, but I'm just saying. It's a good place to take a picture.

I saw Kendall peaking in, and my mom smiled at me. "Is that your ride?"

I smiled thinking of Kendall. "Yeah," I said. "That's him. That's Kendall."

"He's cute," she said softly, nodding and looking at me. "I love you, Logan. I know you'll be great…I can see you as the world's best doctor."

I kept smiling. "I love you, too," was all I could say.

Then, I bid my mother a final goodbye, and grabbed my crutch, heading towards the door, to Kendall, who immediately started rushing inside once he noticed I was coming of the store.

* * *

Note: So, surprise! The cute girl behind the front counter at Mcdonald's is me. (: haha. believe me, I had chunky at first, but I kind of wanted to kill the fact that in stories, people who work at mcdonalds are usually fat. haha. so, thank you for reading. expect an update sooner rather than later (: reviews DO help (:


	12. Noah's Letter

Thoughts: just a drabble. I thought it was necessary.

This is the letter Logan's mother wrote to Logan's younger brother. Spelling errors are there **purposely**, to emphasize how uneducated this woman is.

* * *

_Dearest Noah,_

_I don't want to sound to awkward, or be to confusing. I don't want to sound overbearing, I don't want to sound bossy, I don't want to sound like your mom. I just want to sound like me, the women who brought you in to this world. I don't know how to explain what happened, but you do need to know so I'm just going to lay it out here._

_I was irresponsible. I was a kid, and although it's no excuse to just leave…I felt like I didn't have a choice. I figured you would be taken care of, I figured your father would get better if I wasn't there. I never wanted to leave you, or Logan but in a way I am glad I did. I know it wasn't me that brought you to that wonderful family you grew up with, or brought Logan to the family he lived with but if I had not left, than Logan would not have gotten out of it. Everything would be different. You would have grown up with me and you would be such a different person and God only knows where that would be. I was an unfit parent and it was not fair for me to stay. At the same time it was not fair for me to leave you and your brother with an even more unfit parent…I left the two of you with a maniac and for that I am sorry. I don't know how your child hood went but I know you are a well, respectble young man because you were reaised right. If your brother is going to be a doctor than your going to be a lawyer. I can sense it. You were destined for sucess Noah. Use you're intellegince for all it is worth. _

_I want you to know that I love you. And I've never stopped loving you with my hole heart. It killed me inside when I left. You where my baby and it took me years too forgive myself. I was selfish and I couldn't handle what was in front of me. My mother had died, your father was hitting me and I just panicked. And I left even though I knew he was hitting your brother. You were different though. I don't know if I will ever understand why he did things to me and your brother but not to you, but I will always be thankful for it. I'd much rather it be me than you. But I couldn't control him and I couldn't make him see things my way, I couldn't get him to understand what he was doing was wrong. He was crazy, Noah. He had voices in his head and they were always 'telling him things' and they frightened me. I knew Logan would take good care of you because that is the kind of person he is. He just takes care of people he is compashionite and somewhere I just knew that me leaving was going to be for the best. It was not how I had planned. I thought once I was gone, so would the voices be inside your father's head. But that was not the case. The voices stayed and so did you and Logan, but everything worked out._

_I am writing this to let you know that I didn't not want you. I wanted you, I wanted to raise you but I wanted to be able to do it right and I just couldn't. I knew that and I was scared. You were raised by the right people and the right things happened because God always knows what he is doing. He wanted me to leave so you would end up with the Morgan's. He wanted me to leave so Logan would end up with the Knight's. He wanted me to leave so I could die without you too having to watch and so your father would go to jail for the rest of his life because that is where he belonged. _

_I am sorry if this does not make sense to you, or if you do not care to understand. Everything happens for a reason, Noah, and everything in your life has been no acception. I just hope you will find room in your heart to forgive me for abandining you when I should have been a parent. You have not left my mind sense the day I left and you will not leaf my mind till the day I die. I love you so much. I hope you will never forget about me, because I will never forget about you. I know you do not even know my face, but just know there was a women out their who loved you with her whole heart and cried thinking about you every day. I will love you forever, Noah. And that is something I will never regret.

* * *

_Note: Did you like this? or did you think I should have done something differently; e.i. add Logan's thoughts etc? sometimes I like to leave it blank to see what other people think Logan is thinking. **PleasePLEASEPLEASE** leave your thoughts so I know what's up. Thanks for reading! (:


	13. Days 132 through 136

Thoughts: So, yeah. Thirteen is my favorite number. this is chapter thirteen. had to make it my favorite chapter _somehow..._  


* * *

Day 132.

I had wanted Noah to grow up without knowing what had happened. I had wanted him to never have had to worry about me or what had happened in the past because it _didn't matter_. And I wanted him to know that it didn't matter, and to do that, he shouldn't have gotten the letter.

I kept the letter. I told Kelso I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I felt bad because I knew my mom wanted him to have it, and she was about to die, after all. But ultimately, the decision was up to me. It was always up to me. And, as usual, I needed time to think about it. I needed time to add yet another thing to into the already full list in my head, and I needed time to sort everything out.

But I had a problem. The thing that stuck out in my head the most was Kendall. How the hell could things escalade the way they had? It wasn't like I was having sex with Kendall, or was kissing him, or even flirting with him. But I was _thinking_ about him in ways that kind of scared me. I had never thought about being gay, and I had never thought about liking Kendall, but like the last few years of my life, everything was unexpected, and as the days went by, I couldn't help but think about things in different ways. Especially with Kendall there.

When you kiss someone, there's a _spark_. And if you can't feel that chemistry, then that is not the person for you. Kendall once said, "God gave you two eyes, two arms, and two legs, but only one heart. That's 'cause you have to find the other half." That had me thinking about the damn spark. The spark, I believe, is the thing that lets you know that the person your kissing is the missing half to your heart. When I kissed Kendall, there was a _spark._ That meant, if my logic were true, Kendall was the missing half.

I had never thought about being gay till recently. It made me think about Lilly, and the way her eyes shined when she smiled. But it also made me think of how I felt when I kissed her. We were young, but there's no age on love, and I'd swear to god right now that girl was in love with me. I thought I was in love with her…till I thought about Kendall. And that made me think that it's possible to one day realize you had never even been in love when you thought you were.

And then, _that_ made me think you can realize you're in love with someone when you never thought it was possible.

Anything is possible.

"Hey," Kendall said that morning and I watched him look through his closet, finding clothes for school. "Are you okay? You seem like your sick. This started yesterday."

"I'm okay," I said, smiling. I was still dead tired, I didn't feel well, and I wanted to sleep. I hadn't slept all night, contemplating the letter, eventually thinking about Kendall around three, and waited for him to wake up and start rummaging for clothes.

"Are you sure? You're just…your cheeks are flushed and you sound like a walrus."

"Gee, thanks."

Kendall paused and looked at me, a blue t-shirt in his hands. "I'm just saying." He dropped the shirt and got closer to the bed. I didn't move and he put his backhand on my forehead. "Dude," he said, "You're hot."

I smirked. "Thanks," I said. "So are you."

Kendall couldn't help but chuckle as he rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious, here. Does your tummy feel sick?"

"What am I, three?"

"You're afraid of being sick," he accused.

"I'm not afraid of being sick," I said.

"So, you're afraid of being the patient, oh, gotcha."

"I'm - wait, what? That doesn't even make any sense."

"Nah, dude, it makes perfect sense. We _all_ know you're going to be a doctor one day. I think you're afraid of being the patient."

"If you don't remember, I _did_ spend two weeks in the hospital, being a patient."

"Yeah, but that was different. You were high the whole time and just slept all day."

He had me there. I took a deep breath in. "I'm not sick, okay? Go get dressed for school."

He shrugged and went into his closet, completely forgetting about the blue t-shirt he put on the floor, and started digging around for more clothes. From the day I met Kendall, he was always nervous about what he wore and what he looked like. I hadn't really noticed it till then. I kind of liked it. He cared so much about self presentation.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you care so much about what other people think of you?"

Kendall kind of laughed, but he didn't question my question. "I have another secret to tell you. I want to be famous. I want to be the one who's living the life. What other people think of you is how you make your name in an industry like that. I want to be the same guy, always. You never know who you're going to give a first impression to."

I nodded and relaxed my head tiredly on my pillow. My eyes burned from being so tired and I couldn't believe how badly my head hurt. My heart raced a little as I felt my mattress sink, and felt a hand rubbing my back. A masculine hand. Kendall's hand.

I think me knowing Kendall was gay made me want to be gay, too. It made me want to be with him. I'd had time to think, and I just…I wasn't really confused anymore. I knew where I wanted to be, I knew who I was. I was gay and I loved Kendall, and I didn't know how else to describe it. Thinking of it brought tears to my eyes because I wasn't sure if Kendall could ever feel the same way, or if I could _ever_ even date Kendall because of Mr. and Mrs. Knight.

Which is why I didn't object to his touch. If I was straight, it might have been awkward. But I was gay. I was gay. I was gay.

And I had realized it.

Kendall started to pat my back instead of rubbing it. "I'll get you some juice, okay?"

I nodded.

I felt lonely as he got up and left, and I felt like my eyes were tired, but my mind was awake, because I just wanted to spend some time with Kendall. I couldn't think of him as my brother, so, like from the first day I met Kendall, he'd said, "I'm your roommate I guess," I thought of Kendall as my roommate. It was _way_ less worse to want to fool around with your roommate than your brother.

Yeah, I thought some weird things while under the weather.

When Kendall came back he put the cup on the side next to my bed. "It's orange, your favorite. Right next to your bed, okay?"

My eyes slowly opened and I smiled because he even remembered the straw. I had a small straw fetish. Mrs. Knight bought various straws to keep me entertained. This one was swirly, and perfect for OJ drinking.

Mrs. Knight knocked on the door and came in. "Honey, are you okay?" she asked, looking at me. I said nothing, and continued to sip my orange juice. She felt my forehead the same way Kendall had, and said, "Your skin is warm and clammy. I'm going to find something for you to take okay?"

I again, said nothing, and put my orange juice back in the place Kendall put it, and closed my eyes again, and put my head down and closed my eyes.

"Kendall," I said, "I'm sick."

He laughed. "I told you so."

"Stay home with me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm sick."

"Yeah, _you're_ sick. I don't want to get sick."

"Please?"

"But Logan-"

"I'll freak out."

"Why will you freak out?" Mrs. Knight's voice.

"Kendall needs to stay home with me, or I will freak out."

I peaked through my eyelid. Mrs. Knight was looking at Kendall, and she got closer to me. "Open your mouth," she said.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth; "Keep that under your tongue." I did as I was told, and watched Mrs. Knight watch Kendall. "I wouldn't mind if you stayed home to take care of Logan," she said, "I told your father I'd help him at the church all day, remember? That's why Katie was going to Ashley's after school, and that's why I gave you money to buy dinner for you and Logan."

"_That_'s what that money was for?"

"What did you spend it on?"

"…I put gas in the BMW."

She sighed. "Oh, Kendall. Well, I'll put money on the fridge, okay? Don't forget to let Sirius out a few times a day, because if that dog poops or pees in my house, you will be in trouble."

Kendall shrugged.

Mrs. Knight ripped the beeping thermometer out of my mouth and I closed my eyes again. "One oh two!" She exclaimed wildly. "Oh, sweetie. How'd this happen?"

"I guess I got germs," I said.

I heard Kendall giggle and Mrs. Knight clicked her tongue. "Okay, well, I want you to take some Tylenol and Dayquil, okay? And I want you to text me periodically. If anything happens, I want to be updated."

"Kendall, are you staying with me?" My voice was pathetic.

"Yeah, bud, I'm staying with you."

Yay, I thought but I didn't say it out loud. I ended up falling asleep not long after that…actually, I'm pretty sure it was _right_ after that and I woke up not too long after that because I was going to puke! It was a gross feeling. My eyes opened, and Kendall was sitting on his bed with his guitar. I sat up. "Kendall?"

He looked at me. "Yeah? Holy shit," he put his guitar down. "Are you going to throw up!" He was panicking, it was evident.

I nodded.

"Holy shit! What do I do! OH MY GOD. WHAT DO I DO!"

I had never seen Kendall like this and I wasn't too sure what to think of it. I didn't really have _time_ to think about it. My hands were shaking. I thought if I opened my mouth I was going to puke right then for sure, but I said, "Get the garbage!"

And Kendall did, and he put it in front of me and sat next to me and said, "ew, ew, ew!" as I threw up and it didn't help me stop puking any faster. It was gross, it stunk, it burned my throat and came out of my nose and it was orange because all I had in my stomach was orange juice and I was seriously hating my life right then.

When I was done, I wanted to just die because all I could taste was vomit in my mouth and it just made me want to puke even more.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I spit in the garbage can. "Are _you_?"

"I don't _do_ throw up!" He said, still slightly panicked, his arms flailing, too. "It just…I can't handle it. It's gross."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm sorry I'm not better at being a doctor."

"It's okay," I said.

"I should have gotten you water."

"It's okay."

"Are you dehydrated? Is that why you threw up! I was dehydrated one summer, and all I did was throw up and I had to go to the hospital and sit on an IV for a few hours."

"I'm not dehydrated in the winter, with a broken leg and a broken arm."

"You never know."

"Um, I'm pretty sure I know."

"I don't know…"

"Kendall, it's fine, really. I'm already feeling better."

"You're an awful liar, Logan Mitchell."

I shrugged. "Sometimes telling lies is better than telling the truth. Doesn't it make you feel better to think I feel better?"

Kendall's eyes shifted before he nodded.

"Okay, then."

He looked a little sad, suddenly, and I didn't know what his deal was. I didn't want to talk about being sick, or anything like that. I didn't want to talk about how panicked he just was. I didn't want to talk about lying. "What would you do if I said I was gay?"

"I would probably laugh and say, "Yeah, right, and Ellen is straight." That's what I would do."

"…Kendall…I'm gay."

"…no you're not."

I nodded. "I am. I'm gay."

"You're not gay. _I'm_ gay, you're not gay."

"I'm pretty gay, actually."

"What on EARTH makes you think you're gay?"

"…you."

"…? Me? You're delusional. Just because I crus…just because I'm…I think that Dayquil is getting to you, Logie, I-"

"Kendall I'm gay, I swear. I just…I thought about it. For a long time, a _very_ long time. And I don't know…if you felt it…when we…you know…kissed. I don't know if you felt anything, but I sure as hell did, and it means I'm gay. I'm gay and I fucking like you, and it's weird, and WHY am I still talking!"

I didn't want to say all that, but I didn't know what else _to_ say, and I swear it was that Dayquil that made me say it. I just couldn't help it, it was like I was being controlled.

"You like me?"

I didn't deny it. I said nothing. I blinked and I felt awkward and I was pretty sure this, no matter what, was not going to end well.

"I like you," said Kendall. "That's why I just…I can't think of you as gay because things aren't supposed to be easy."

"What about that fate bullshit you're always talking about?"

Kendall smiled. "God always knows…this is how He…Logan, God knows everything! He knew…He knew that by you coming here, we'd find where we belonged, we'd find…each other. The other half of the one heart."

I smiled, too. "Yeah. The other half of the one heart."

Kendall bit his lip and it was quite obvious he had felt extremely awkward. "I never said we were brothers, you know," said Kendall.

I laughed. "Yeah. I don't think I did, either."

Then, he stood up with the garbage can and said, "I _have_ to get rid of this before I puke."

I tried not to laugh but it was hard. Kendall was pretty cute, no matter what he did and I was excited that I had actually talked about something that was important to me. Whenever I was with Kendall…I just wanted him to know every little detail about me. I wanted him to want to care, and I knew he did, and the more I opened up to him, the more he appreciated me. The more he _knew_ me.

The Dayquil, although for daytime, kept me drowsy and I just wanted to go back to sleep. It was only like, nine in the morning then, but I wanted to keep talking with Kendall. The great words of Aerosmith, "I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you…and I don't want to miss a thing."

I kept one eye opened and Kendall came back and sat on his bed and started playing his guitar again. I longed so badly for my piano, and I feared for my left pinky. I still couldn't feel it, and my cast was coming off in 3 days. There was once a time when my doctor said I wouldn't be able to use my left hand at all…so I still had hope for my little finger.

I watched Kendall play guitar for what seemed like a few hours. Sometimes he would sing, sometimes he would hum, sometimes he would shake his head or tap his foot. Sometimes he would give a beat by tapping on the guitar, the one he called Selena, and he would just _lose_ himself within the music. The way I did when it came to my piano.

I fell asleep sometime after that, and when I woke up it had only been an hour or so. It was noon or so, and I looked at Kendall, who was now doing some homework that he'd forgotten to do. He was clearly struggling, so I sat up. "Need help?"

His head turned quickly to me. "You should be resting."

"I am resting," I argued. "Let me help you."

Kendall stood up with his notebook and his book, and came over to me, and sat at the edge of the bed. I adjusted myself so I could help him better but I was really nauseas, and I tried to help Kendall as best I could. "You're still too sick," said Kendall. "I'll do this homework later, okay? I'll get you _water_, and you need to go back to sleep. I can like, feel the heat coming off of you. And you're shivering. You've got like, the flu or something. A bug."

Kendall shot me a worried glance before leaving and I stayed where I was, patiently waiting for him to come back. He handed me a water bottle and I sipped it lightly, and put it where the orange juice cup had once been. Kendall had obviously already brought it downstairs.

My phone started vibrating and Mrs. Knight's name flashed along with 'New Message'. I read it, and let her know I was feeling okay, and that Kendall was doing an okay job of taking care of me.

"I think my phone is in the BMW," said Kendall.

"Please don't leave," I said.

He smiled. "I won't," he said, and sat back on the bed next to me, and smiled again and that smile was so perfect and _winning_. I loved it. I scooted down and laid back down and he started rubbing my back again and said, "I'm good at this part."

I chuckled. "Yeah, you're pretty good at this part."

There was a time when Kendall thought I was asleep and started to get up, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. "Not yet," I said.

"Okay," he said, and sat back down and continued to rub my back in circles. It was comforting and it helped me feel less sick. It was exhilarating to be taken care of when I was sick. It was the first time, and I appreciated every part of Kendall. He was so compassionate, and so precious, and I didn't ever want the moment to end.

I fell asleep again, and it was funny because I just took small naps every so often and I found it refreshing every time. I had woken up and Kendall was no where in sight. I swung my legs over the bed and started to carefully balance my way out of the bedroom and into the hall. I was feeling better at that point, like my skin was still clammy, but I didn't feel like I was going to puke.

Kendall was on the stairs so I didn't have to get too far. "I have twenty six missed phone calls," said Kendall. "All from James and Carlos."

"Call one of them back," I urged.

He nodded, and we went back into our room and he sat on his bed and I sat on mine, looking at him and his eyes shifted as he waited for someone to answer.

"Hey, what-"

I could hear James talking, but I couldn't make out what he was saying.

"Logan is really sick so I stayed home to watch him. Why? What happened?"

Kendall's eyes shifted as he listened, and then he slumped down and put his head down and his hand covered his face and I was worried. "Okay…okay let me call you back."

He didn't look at me for a few minutes, and I said nothing. He suddenly looked up, his face was red, his eyes were wet, and he was shaking. "…Benjy died."

My heart sank to my stomach and tears welled in my eyes. Benjy was defense on my hockey team, and I was just shocked with hearing this.

"He was in a car accident," Kendall's voice trembled, "with Jason and Patrick last night. They're in critical condition at the hospital. James, Logan and the guys have been in the library at school all day, just like, crying."

I was crying, and Kendall was too. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. This was just…tragic. I never thought I'd ever lose anybody else, especially someone on the team. I was crying really hard, and it got hard to breathe. Kendall stood up from his bed, and got into mine. He wrapped his arms around me and we just cried, and cried.

"I should call mom…" said Kendall, and he didn't even let go as he called. "…Mom. It's Kendall…come home as fast as you can." and he hung up, clearly having left a message. Kendall's body shook next to mine, and I knew I was shaking, too, and it was just hard to take in. I'd seen Benjy _yesterday_, leaving the rink with the guys. The situation seemed impossible.

Kendall and I both fell asleep that time and when I woke up again, I could hear Mrs. Knight's voice. She was clearly on the phone. "Yeah, they're both sleeping…I don't know what happened but they don't look well…I'm a little worried…" I felt Kendall move beside me and I moved a little too, and Mrs. Knight said, "I think they're waking up. I'll call you back. I love you too. Bye."

Mrs. Knight said, "Kendall? Sweetie?"

I heard Kendall groan, and I opened my eyes, and his eyes were open, and his hair was sticking to his sweaty face and red cheeks.

"What happened, baby? Are you guys okay?"

I closed my eyes tightly remembering the news, and Kendall trembled again. "Benjy died, mom," Kendall's voice was soft, and he said it once he realized I wasn't going to, "in a car accident last night. Patrick and Jason are in the hospital."

"Oh, my, Lord…" she said. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see the reaction. Mrs. Knight knew everyone on the team, and she loved us all. "Are you…wow. Do I…oh boys. Do you need anything?"

"No…" said Kendall. "Just…don't leave okay?"

"Okay," she said. "I'll be right downstairs. Oh, my babies. Life is short, but time heals everything. You'll see." I heard her footsteps and the door closed and I turned to look at Kendall.

He kissed my forehead. "You're still warm," he said, his voice pathetic now, too.

"And you're still hot," I said, getting him to crack a smile.

Then, his eyes welled up and he said, "How does things like this happen? Like…have you ever lost a friend before?"

I hesitated, before nodding. "Yeah," I said. "I have." The first person I lost was my grandfather, and my grandmother not too long after that. Within the years after that, and before moving in with Kendall, I'd lost about eight or so friends in situations similar to this, situations involving drugs, alcohol, guns, or cancer.

"I haven't," Kendall said. That had been obvious to me. "How do you move on from this?"

I took in a deep breath. "I don't know. Life just…goes. You have to go along with it…otherwise, you're stuck."

Kendall's phone vibrated in his pocket and I felt it run through my bed. He closed his eyes as he went for it, and he put it on speaker as he answered. "Yeah?"

"Kendall…" it was James again. He was crying.

Kendall stiffened next to me. "Got more good news?" Kendall asked.

James let out a sob and quickly composed himself. "Kendall…Julie just called me…Jason…I guess…he had too much blood in his brain, I don't know…"

My heart sunk and silent tears leaked out of my eyes. I had thought I had cried myself dry, but apparently not. "You're joking," Kendall accused, but I knew.

"I wish I were joking…"

"Are you with Carlos?"

"Yeah…"

"Come over."

And Kendall hung up, and cuddled close to me again and just cried with me. "This isn't possible…"

"Oh, Kendall…anything is possible."

Carlos and James didn't arrive too much later and Carlos sat on the floor in front of Kendall's bed, James sat _on_ Kendall's bed, and Kendall and I sat up, leaning our backs against the wall for support.

"When do you get those damn things off?" James asked, referring to my casts.

"Thursday," I answered, but I barely had a voice. I was still sick, but now I was crushed, too. Benjy and Jason were numbers eleven and twelve and it was _sad_ to lose friends. It was heartbreaking. They were teammates, and that's basically like being brothers.

Kendall looked at me. "I'm going with you."

"You'd miss more school."

"I don't care. I can't focus anyway… I'm not going at all this week…"

"We're not either," Carlos said, referring to him and James.

Carlos and James slept over for a few days. They stayed over Monday night, Tuesday night (Day 133), and Wednesday night (Day 134). My fever was gone by Wednesday. Mrs. Knight, Kendall, James and Carlos took pretty good care of me. We spent a lot of time hoarded up in me and Kendall's room, talking about hockey, Jason and Benjy, and the team. We said we'd go see Patrick in the hospital as soon as I got better, but because I wasn't better till Wednesday evening, we couldn't see him just yet. I was getting my casts off the next morning (FINALLY), and all the boys had decided they were coming.

I excitedly got out of the house on Day 135, but when I saw the car…I paused, causing a traffic jam at the door. "What's wrong?" Kendall asked.

I shook my head.

Kendall looked at everyone and said, "Hey, uh, go along, we'll catch up in a minute."

We moved to the side so they could get closer to Mrs. Knight's red Honda. "What's the matter? You've been waiting for this day for so long…"

"I can't get in that car, Kendall," I kept my voice low.

"Why not?"

"Bad things happen in cars."

He bit his lip, clearly unsure of what to say. He was Kendall though, and he thought quickly. "Hey, hey," he said, "You have to trust that everything will be okay. I do."

"…you drive."

Kendall nodded, and felt his pocket to see if his keys were in there. "Hey, uh, Mom," he said, and helped me down the stairs for one last time. We got closer to the crowd near the Honda, and Kendall said, "Mom, I'm going to drive the BMW, okay?"

"Um…?"

"We just…I want to drive the BMW."

"Okay, hon…" she seemed curious about this but let it slide, and she got in the back of the BMW with Carlos and James.

I sat in the passenger seat, and every time I looked at Kendall he smiled. White knuckles wrapped around the door post, and Kendall kept glancing at me, and I was comfortable.

My heart pounded, and the doctor called me in immediately, and he exaggerated about my 'party'. It felt weird getting the casts off. The leg one came first. It kind of tickled, but it was just weird. And my leg looked gross and felt pretty pathetic.

"Remember," said the doctor, "You banged your knee up pretty badly, Loge. It might ache at first, and you might feel…lopsided."

"I'm crooked?"

"Just a little, hardly noticeable."

"_Great_."

Then he went to my arm and used the little tool to get it off and my arm was just as gross and felt weirder. "Move your fingers," he instructed, as he held my wrist. My four fingers moved perfectly…my pinky was completely stationary.

I watched him pinch my finger, but when I looked up, I couldn't even tell he was touching it.

"Can you feel that?"

I shook my head. "No."

He pinched my ring finger. "How about that?"

I nodded.

He pinched every finger, and asked the same question, and I gave the same response. It was just my pinky. He had me wiggle my wrist and do all I can to get my pinky to move, but it didn't budge. He sighed. "Okay, um, stand up, slowly."

He helped me to my feet and it felt weird to be on them again. I couldn't help but grin and everyone else was grinning too. I took a small step and let go of the doctor, and walked around on my own. He was right, I was crooked, and achey, but I didn't care. I was pretty damn happy to be back on my feet.

"I'm going to recommend you to a physical therapist," he said, "A few hours there a week for a few months wouldn't do you any harm. You might even get your pinky back. Take it easy for a little bit, be careful. I want to see you again in two or so weeks. Make an appointment with Laurie at the front desk, okay?"

Mrs. Knight said, "Okay."

And we all went out into the office. "Go sit in the car," she said. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

We went out to the car, taking the seats we had on the way up. I stared at my hand and moved my fingers and wrist all around, and my pinky did nothing.

Kendall was watching me. I felt his eyes on me, and they kind of stung. I stopped and looked back at him. Compassion was evident in his eyes. "It'll be okay," said Kendall. "Everything ends up okay."

I said nothing, but I nodded.

Carlos patted my shoulder and said, "I'm _sure_ that physical therapist will help. They work wonders."

Day 136 was a the wake for Benjy and Jason, and Day 137 was the actual funeral. We didn't really spend too much time at the wake, it was way too crowded and we went to see Patrick that day; but we were one of the first ones at the funeral. The team sat across from the family in the funeral home, and my heart beat at the open caskets. It wasn't…it wasn't a sight I'd forget. Their bodies…were wrecked. It just…I just…it wasn't anything I had ever seen before. I couldn't believe the caskets were open…

Kendall sat to my left, closest to the caskets. Carlos was on my right, and James was to the right of him. It was _sad_ to watch their families as the preacher talked about life and death, and read Psalms that made Kendall want to cry. The parents of Jason and the parents of Benjy all sat net to each other. Benjy's brothers looked tortured, and they could barely glance at the Preacher knowing what was behind him. Jason's sister, Julie cried the whole time. The place was _packed_ and the Funeral Procession line was huge, and Kendall, Carlos, James and I helped carry Benjy's casket, and other members of the team helped carry Jason's. Kendall stood in front of me, James opposite him, and Carlos opposite me. Benjy's older brother stood in front of Carlos, and his father stood opposite him.

We placed the casket on top of the green straps and waited for the others to put Jason down next to him. There were over three hundred people there, and I had been nervous about not being about to carry Benjy, but Kendall and I got on the left side so I could use my right side for balance.

We listened to the preacher preach and it was very short. We walked away all depressed, looking back at the caskets in front of the tombs that read Jason Carnegie, 1991-2007 and Benjamin Raymond 1992-2007. It was _so heartbreaking…_I couldn't believe we had said our last goodbyes.

That night, Carlos and James slept at their houses, and Kendall still slept in my bed, even though he didn't have to. "Logan," Kendall whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I laughed. "I think I love you, too."

And with that, Kendall and I found ourselves in a sweet, passionate kiss, one that made me honestly believe that our hearts were connected.

* * *

Notes: Ah. Yay. What'd ya think? Be honest. Thanks for reading! (:


	14. Days 137 through 173

Thoughts: So, I reallllllllllllllly wanted to update. (: Oh, I wrote a new one-shot ,and about 30% of those who reviewed want me to continue it. Not sure what to do. Check it out see if you think I should continue it! please. Little torn. haha.  


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Day 137.

When I woke up, it was the wee hours of Day 137. It must have been about four in the morning. Tears were dried to my face, and I didn't even remember crying. It was dark, but Kendall wasn't next to me. He was pacing back and forth in the bedroom.

"Hey," I whispered, "are you okay?"

He was panicked. Something that seemed to be happening a lot lately. "I just…" he didn't finish his sentence, just kept pacing, and I was a little worried. I stood up, put very little pressure on my swollen knee, and put my arms around him. He shrugged me off. "I just need to have something established!"

"What do you mean?" I asked, and he kept pacing, and I stayed, feeling slightly rejected.

"Where do we stand?" he stopped moving and stared at me. I could see his eyes, but not much else. He was looking right at me. "I mean…I just…I don't know where we stand. I need to."

I wanted to be very careful about my words because I didn't want to get us stuck in any situation just yet. I was definitely gay, he was definitely gay. We definitely crushed on each other. But it was complicated. We lived in the same house, we had the same parents. We weren't related, and we didn't think of each other as brothers, so it wasn't awkward for us to have feelings for each other.

"We just…stand. It doesn't matter right now. Life just goes on. Whatever happens, happens. We just have to let the right things happen, and we'll know what they are when they come across us. Don't worry about this, now, Kendall. Things always work out. Besides, the magic is in the mystery."

His eyes shifted, and he got real close to me, and I was staring right up into his eyes, beautiful green (a/n, got it right this time(: ) eyes and then his lips crashed onto mine, and when he pulled away just as quickly he said, "did you like that?"

I wanted to laugh but instead kept it to a no-tooth smile. "I didn't have time to process it," I said honestly. I looked down and back up, my smile now gone, full seriousness as I looked him directly in the eye. "Yeah. I liked it."

So, again, Kendall got into bed with me, and we fell asleep, and when the alarm started going off I did _not_ want to get up. Kendall, apparently, didn't want to either, and this was something that seldom happened. We rolled out of bed, and I took a shower as Kendall searched for clothes for ten minutes, and he was still searching when I came out of the bathroom.

"You're still looking?" I laughed.

"I don't know what to wear."

"You've got three suits," I said, laughing. "It can't be that hard."

"Actually, it can," said Kendall. "And, one of them is still at the dry cleaners, so I only have two. This one brings out my eyes. I've had a lot of memories with this one…but this one is _new_! Oh, but this one was with me when I met all those celebrities at the VMA's…oh, but this one goes _great_ with my shoes…"

His head turned as he compared his two suits. I went over to him, took one glance at the suits, and said, "You wore the green one last week, go with the gray," and went over to my drawers.

I had three now. Kendall shoves some more clothes in his closet as Mrs. Knight frequently came home with various things for all us kids.

Kendall took the gray suit out of his closet and gave me a look before leaving and proceeding to the bathroom. I slowly got dressed and took my time looking for my shoes. I went downstairs about fifteen minutes later, my hair still wet and in every direction. Mrs. Knight smiled. "Good morning, baby," she said. "Ya hungry?"

I shook my head. "Nah," I said.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

I bit my lip. "He's going to talk about them, isn't he?"

Kendall was next to me now, quiet, clearly waiting for this answer.

Her eyes shifted. "Ben and Jason, you mean?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, I think so," she said.

Kendall's eyes closed and I bit my lip again, quite hard this time.

"You don't want to hear it anymore, do you?"

I shook my head, agreeing with her. "I just…we just already know."

She took a deep breath. "I'll tell you what. I think you two deserve a little break from all this. I'll let you skip out on church today and go do some stuff for you, without anybody hounding you about the accidents, without mentioning the boys. Just…take a break. Go see a movie. Don't forget you have to continue community service tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Hennessey is going to have you move boxes around all day."

So, Day 137 was spent with Kendall, and I quite enjoyed it. It was just us, all day. We played some basketball, did a little jamming, went and saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and we even played a serious tetris battle game that lasted nearly two hours. We were quite entertained, and I had to admit, I had a lot of fun, and the more time I spent with Kendall, the more I crushed on him. I couldn't help it. Knowing we were both gay edged it on, I think, but I really was drawn into him.

I had to keep my distance that way, though. He did, too. What was going to happen if we started to date a little, and Mr. Knight found out? I'd tell you what. We'd _both_ get our happy little asses kicked out. Mr. Knight was a family man, yes, but Kendall was right about one thing, all along. Mr. Knight honestly believes God is his savior, and that Jesus died on the cross to save him, and by following their ways he was honored to oblige by their laws and in turn he would be saved a place in heaven where all of his wildest dreams would come true.

Or something like that.

And having a gay son, or being apart of that…he just wouldn't stand for that kind of thing. Especially having two gay sons. With each other. Yeah, it sounds reallllly bad when I put it that way, so I'm going to NEVER refer to Kendall and myself as brothers ever again…even though I'd always think of the Knights as my parents…it was weird.

Day 138 was the first day I went back to school in two months. I went off for Christmas break and didn't return till well into February and it was kind of weird to be back, but enthralling at the same time. My classes had changed, I no longer had health or gym, but instead I had a Personal Finance class with Kendall and James and other than the work being boring, the class was cool and the teacher was awesome, so we were golden.

It was weird without having Jason or Benjy in school There was an assembly that we went to that involved people telling stories about drinking and driving. Benjy, who was driving, wasn't drunk. The driver that hit them was. And he survived.

Someone in that same kind of situation spoke, and I just…couldn't listen. I stood up from my spot in the back of the stands and Kendall watched me. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.

I said nothing and proceeded down the stairs and around the wall. I felt eyes on me but I ignored them.

"Logan!"

I heard him before I reached the doors.

I stopped and turned around. "What's the matter?"

I shook my head. "I can't watch this," I said. "…how can you?"

He shook his head, too. "I don't know."

And we went up to the doors, where teachers were waiting to tell us to go sit down. One of them was the principal, Mr. Tanner.

"Boys, take your seats," one of the hall monitors ordered quietly.

Mr. Tanner held up his 'one minute' finger at her and got closer to us. "Is everything okay?"

I shook my head, trying my best not to listen to the guy on stage. "I can't watch this…Mr. Tanner, please don't make us watch this…"

He nodded and escorted us into the hall. James, Carlos and a few other members of the team soon joined us, and we sat in the hall with our principal, quietly talking about the best qualities in Benjy and Jason. I left the auditorium to not cry about this, but I ended up crying anyway. I didn't feel bad about it though, because once I started crying, Kendall started crying, and once Kendall started crying, _everyone_ started crying. We were, apparently, just emotional balls of testosterone.

Days went by quickly. March flew by, which rarely happened because it was usually the longest month. Kendall and I stayed out and away from the hockey rink for a while, and we just went to school and to our community service. I spent some time up in the loft, playing the piano, but it was hard to do without my pinky working. It was a dead nuisance; it would tap keys and mess my whole song up. It was frustrating because the physical therapy wasn't helping it at all, although it did improve my limp considerably.

My favorite part about my days, was night time. After our door was closed, Kendall would sneak into my bed, and wrap his arms around me, and we'd sleep, just like that, every night. He would find his way back to his bed before Mrs. Knight came in to wake us up. It was weird at first. My dad used to just 'slip' into my bed sometimes and I would be scared. But with Kendall, I was safe.

It wasn't the same just going to practice without the boys there. We wondered how the rest of the team felt without us there. James said it was empty, like there was not even a reason for the rest of them to go to practice. They were down four players, and one of them was their captain, and the other was their - what was it? - little coach.

It was Day 173 was the last day of March and all the snow was completely melted. Kendall smirked at me and grabbed his guitar, and told me to follow him. It was a Saturday, the sun was shining, and spring was just around the corner.

I followed Kendall through the woods to the spot he had showed me so long ago. It was just as magnificent as I remembered. "When it's winter again, and we're not crippled, you'll be just as amazed. It's like a perfect field of snow."

Kendall had a bed sheet laying in the grass and sat on it, and started to play his guitar, the one he called Selena, and he started to sing. I happened to know the song, and for whatever reason, I sang with him. And for whatever reason after that, we'd kissed again.

It was a weird experience, kissing Kendall. This was the third time, and every time I seemed to enjoy it more…and so did Kendall. The thing about it, was it didn't feel awkward, or rushed, or something. It felt natural, and right.

But it was wrong.

I looked down, but kept my head close to his, breaking the kiss and Kendall said, "…sorry…it just…."

"Don't be sorry…" I said softly.

"Are we going too fast…?"

"…yeah…well, no…it's just…we can't 'go' at all. I just…can't help but have a secret crush on you…"

"You don't have to whisper, Logie, nobody can hear us out here."

I smiled. "Then why are you whispering?"

"…because you're whispering."

Then we started laughing, and Kendall laid down on the blanket. He sighed. "I hate doing this."

I laid down next to him and turned my head to stare at him. "What else can we do? Do you know what would happen-"

"Yeah, if my dad finds out? We're toast. We're not even like, good toast. We're burnt toast without any butter. So, why does it feel so right to be with you, then?"

I let my eyes fall and I turned my head. I was looking up at the clouds. I could feel Kendall looking at me. Selena was poking me, and when he noticed, he put the guitar aside.

"When I was little, I used to think there were answers to everything," I said, still looking at the sky. "But when I was a little older, I learned that there weren't. There were things that just _were_ what they were in life, and there weren't any answers. This is one of those things. There just aren't any answers. We just have to wait for everything to unfold."

"How do we do that?"

I laughed. "We just…do it. We act like nothing has changed."

"But this changes _everything_."

I nodded. "I know. But nothing worth having in life comes easy."

"We can try to convince Dad that gays aren't bad. That way we can at least _tell_ him."

"Whoa, whoa, what's this 'we' stuff? I don't know -"

"You'll have to eventually. We can ease him into this. It wouldn't be _as_ hard to convince him if we're both trying."

"If you didn't notice," I said, "but your father isn't exactly fond of either of us. _Katie_ is his pride and joy."

At this, Kendall smirked. "Katie? Oh, Logie, you're a genius."

"…feel free to elaborate."

Kendall sat up, so I followed in suit and turned so I was facing him. "Katie, Katie. Katie gets everything she's ever wanted because she's Katie. She's daddy's little girl, she's mom's world. They would never -"

"Mom's not the problem, here-"

"I know, but she won't be easy."

I nodded, having to agree. It wouldn't be easy to convince either of the Knight parents that there was _nothing_ wrong with loving someone who was the same gender as you. Kendall believed that "God is the reason we're together because He knew all along that we were meant to be."

I believed that, "Mr. and Mrs. Knight are going to kick my ass."

I knew that if they found out Kendall and I were both gay, they'd think I had corrupted their son. There was no way around that. The only way to _not_ get kicked out of the Knight's house at this point, was telling the truth. And that was the worst feeling of all.

"I'm just saying," Kendall continued, "that I'd never seen my parents happier till they had Katie. It's weird, I know, but she's like their little bundle of happiness. She can do nothing wrong. Why do you think I get yelled at when the dog pees on the floor? Why do you think I get yelled at if I don't fall for one of Katie's pranks? Because Katie is _their_ baby. She's really the only baby they'll ever have together."

"That just complicated everything even more."

"What do you mean?"

"I forgot that you weren't biologically your father's son…don't you think that gives him more incentive to disown you?"

"…"

"It's just that…I mean, he _wanted_ you. He wanted you so badly, and you're here, and you don't believe in the same things he does. He's going to think that because of that invitro bullshit all those years ago, god is fucking with him and giving him a corrupted son because he shouldn't have a son. God didn't intend him to have you, but here you are."

"I wouldn't be here if God didn't intend me to be here, Logie, you're a silly penguin. But besides all that, I see where you're coming from. I just don't know if it's true…"

"Well, all I'm saying is, we don't want to mess anything up. We don't want to get kicked out of our home, Kendall. Things are fine just the way they are. We're going to start to try to convince this man that there's nothing wrong with being gay…you know your dad. We both do. He's going to flip the tables, and we're going to think that we're wrong…"

Kendall shook his head and kissed me quickly. "Nothing feels more right than that."

"Let's just hope it stays that way, okay?"

Kendall smirked. "Calm that big brain of yours down, okay, Loge? Chill with the logic, chill with the psychoanalyzing, and scrutiny, okay? Just believe that everything will fall into place, and pray to God it does, because it will."

My heart pounded hard in my chest. Kendall honestly believed that his God would get him out of this. He believed that his God would just miraculously convince his father to accept the world as it is, with the gays, and rapists, and molesters, because that's just the way it is, and his God loves those people, too. He'll forgive them. Logic told me it wasn't that easy. Logic told me that Mr. Knight has spent 40 some odd years believing that those things were the signs of the devil. He believed the simplest things were signs of the devil, like me being left handed. Mrs. Knight flipped a lid when she first realized it. Logic told me that we would never convince Mr. Knight to see it our way. And I was more terrified of that than his reaction of learning we were both gay.

What was Kendall thinking?

How could Katie help this situation at all?

Oh, what the Hell were we supposed to do?

* * *

Note: Sooo, what's going to happen? Are they going to tell Katie? HOW will they get Mr. Knight to see things their way? WILL they EVER get Mr. Knight to see things their way? Stay tuned. Haha. Thanks for reading! (:


	15. Days 174 through 260

Thoughts: I think this chapter is one of the shortest ones with the biggest time span. But I'm trying to move along, because I wrote a part in this story, but it can't happen till like, October or so, and I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY want to share that with you.

* * *

Day 174.

We decided not to say anything to Katie. Well, actually, _I_ decided it and managed to get Kendall to see it my way. I wasn't really interested in getting an eleven year old girl involved in our affair, despite Kendall so desperately needing to spill this secret.

It wasn't that he _needed_ to tell it, I guess. He just needed his father's acceptance. He wanted to be good enough. His whole life, he was just a smidge less than perfect and to Kendall, that meant nothing to his father. I didn't know. I didn't watch Kendall grow up, and I didn't know how Mr. Knight treated him, but I obviously believed Kendall. If he said Mr. Knight was never really proud of him, then I believed it. Especially because the man was never around even now, always working. I could only imagine Kendall growing up and only seeing his father at Church and Sunday dinner.

Then again, it kind of beats only seeing your dad when he was drunk and beating you up.

But it still sucks to not _know_ your father. Kendall can live with his father all he wants, he can talk to him all he wants, but all he ever honestly knew about the man was his religion.

At least with me, I knew everything about my dad. He would wake up at between six twelve and six thirty three every morning, and start his day off with coffee, and a shower, and he would expect waffles on the table, in his spot, when he came out, dressed in his mechanics' jumpsuit. He would read the paper eating toaster waffles for seventeen minutes, and then he would go outside, and try to turn on the truck, sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't. On days it did, he just left. On days it didn't, he would curse loudly, come inside, curse some more, help me gather his tools, and fix the problem, before going to work. His favorite color was green. Not light green, but not dark green, just green. He _loved_ movies, especially horror movies and action movies. He watched one every night. He listened to Ozzy when he drank; he listened to country when he worked. He never wore colored socks because he was afraid the colors would bleed into his skin. He refused to eat pork because he was afraid of pigs. He never used black pens because he thought they were bad luck. He talked to himself and held literal liberal conversations with himself, such as, "Nice weather today, huh, Tom. Oh, yes, Tom, just beautiful. I was wondering why you were so good looking, Tom. Oh, it's the good genes from my dad, Tom. Oh, I see, I see. So why the fuck did your wife leave you then, you pathetic loser? You're a fucking ass, Tom, that's why you're named Tom-Ass." And sometimes after conversations like that, he'd start to pull his hair, or use fingernails to cut himself. Then, he'd drink. And he'd like to do bad things to me.

Kendall knew his father's religion. And that he likes to have bake sales to raise money.

As spring neared, James and Carlos started to spend more and more time at the house, more specifically, in the loft. The loft was very large, even with my shiny red piano. I still had physical therapy once a week, but nothing was changing. I was starting to accept my dead pinky, and I was trying my best to work around it. It was aggravating, and frustrating, and the only person I ever played for - Kendall - didn't help by saying I was being dumb and it sounded okay.

There were notes I missed because my pinky was supposed to get it. There were notes I hit when I wasn't supposed to because my pinky hit it. It was like a deadweight, it was useless and on more than one occasion, I found myself biting into it with all my might just to see if I could feel it. Even after bleeding, and needing two stitches, I felt nothing.

Kendall continued to play his guitar incredibly for me, however, and sometimes we would play music together up in the loft. Music was our secret, though. James and Carlos never knew about it, Mr. and Mrs. Knight never knew about it, and Katie never knew. It was just us, just Kendall and I, with Selena and my piano, which was not named because it was rather weird for me to name inanimate objects.

Kendall did that frequently, though, naming inanimate objects. His guitar was Selena. His closet was Juliana. His car was Vinny. He wanted to name my piano, I told him not to, but still he called it Kimberly. I found the more time I spent with Kendall, the more opposite our personalities were, and the more math started making sense. Opposites attract.

We kept the kissing and intimacy as minimal as possible. Kendall slept in my bed every night, and he became my security blanket. It was like I needed him there. I couldn't explain why. And, I continually locked the door night after night, and used the same excuse, "I have nightmares if it's not locked," and every time it was bought. I just didn't want Mrs. Knight to ever walk in and see Kendall and I cuddled in one bed. I didn't know how'd she take it, or what she'd think about it. I wasn't ready to find out, even as days go by, I wasn't ready. April passed, and May, and June, and things stayed the same.

School went well for both Kendall and I. I made highest honors, which was the first time that ever happened. Maybe it was because I was actually stationary at one school, and I wasn't jumping around. Kendall made high honors, apparently a rare thing for him because Mrs. Knight flipped her lid with excitement, buying cake and ice-cream, and bought us both new iPod touches, with the cameras, oh they were so cool. Then she gave us iTunes gift cards so we could get music and apps onto them, we were pretty happy.

Mr. Knight, of course, wasn't really around to be proud of our good grades, but he did acknowledge us, and mentioned the "Great grades of my sons" during church one Sunday.

James and Carlos, like I said, spent more time at the house, and Friday nights we hung out in the loft with a portable radio, sleeping bags, and tons of snacks. None of us played hockey on the team anymore. It just wasn't the same for us. We couldn't do it. We still played, just the four of us, just for fun, but about half the team had called it quits. There were about three of the original teammates left by June 10, (Day 239), and our hearts just weren't in it anymore. There was no team without the original players to us.

I quickly learned how big a tradition it was for the Friday night sleepovers in the loft, because literally every Friday since it was warm enough to sleep out there, we had. I didn't mind; I actually quite enjoyed it. We had a lot of fun, just talking, hanging out, faring in cans, you know, doing teenage boy stuff. Talking about family, and friends, and even girls, even though Kendall and I had the hots for each other. James would say something about the cute girl in homeroom, Carlos would mention the girl in gym class, and I would play along and talk about the cute girl at McDonald's, and Kendall would talk about her, too, not knowing what to say. Sometimes we'd make up fake girls that we saw walking in the streets, or that we saw one time at church but never again.

We talked about music, and video games, and hockey, and James talked about being famous one day, and Carlos said he'd be his stunt double, which was quite hilarious because Carlos was shorter than I was, and James was taller than Kendall, and the two looked absolutely nothing alike. Kendall would talk about his feeling about being a professional hockey player, because that was _his _thing. It was hard for him to play on the Minnesota Mad Dogs because of Jason and Benjy's sudden termination, but he _really_ loved the sport. But he also loved pranks.

There was a time he put a fake spider in Mrs. Knight's shower, causing her to scream so loudly and run out of her bathroom. I saw her butt. It was weird. There was another time he chased an Elvis Presley double around a teen center. On the last day of school of our junior year that year, he planned the atomic flush and it literally burst a pipe in the school and we all had to leave the school early.

The first Friday of the summer, James and Carlos both had to spend some time out of town with their families. Kendall and I didn't mind. I sat at the table on the night of Day 259, and Kendall was behind the island with the blender, putting fruits inside. "I don't know _how_ I went this long without making you one of these," he said, with a grin. "These bad boys are legendary."

Mrs. Knight and Katie came in from the living room. Their lifetime movie had just ended and they were clearly curious to see what we were up to. "Ooh," said Katie, "You making smoothies? I want one!"

"It's _already_ passed your bedtime, Katalina," said Mrs. Knight firmly. "It's nearly eleven! Get on up to bed, now, dear."

She gave her mother a look, as if to say, 'but it's summer!' but she knew the authority and obliged. She kissed her mother goodnight before wishing us a goodnight and proceeding up the stairs.

Kendall looked at his mother and in full seriousness said, "I'm making her one anyway, I don't care what you say."

Mrs. Knight laughed hysterically, as if this were the funniest thing she'd heard in her entire life. "Oh, Kendall, baby. You could at least _try_ to sneak it."

Kendall shrugged and Mr. Knight entered the room. Mrs. Knight approached him instantly at his side and kissed him. "There you are," she noted, "where've you been?"

He cleared his throat and said, "I led a group of protesters out to the bar on 32nd Street. We met the gays outside and tried to rid them of damnation."

My heart sank. I wanted to cry, but not because what he had said hurt my feelings. I honestly couldn't care less what Mr. Knight believed. What hurt my heart was the look on Kendall's face. He was truly _hurt_ by this, just absolutely heartbroken. I'd never seen him like that; he'd looked lost and vulnerable, and it was so very unlike Kendall to look that way. It scared me and I never wanted him to feel like that. I'd rather have his pain for the rest of my life than see him hurt like that. He quickly looked down, letting his bangs flop over his face and proceeded to cut more fruits.

Mrs. Knight said, "Oh…why'd you do that?"

I thought back to the day Mr. and Mrs. Knight asked me to play the piano for them. Kendall bailed me out. How could I bail him out of this one? Just randomly say I was sick? No. I knew I could make myself puke if I tried hard enough. This wasn't the first time my vomit was required to get us out of a situation. Since I had no idea what to say, I just thought of some gross feelings and thoughts and events from my past and started to wiggle my tongue against my uvula. My mouth instantly felt gross.

"Well," Mr. Knight said, as I tried to get myself to puke, "It all started when Mr. Jones - not Sr., but Jr. - came up to me last week to discuss the growing problem gays are causing our community. He explained how eventually, God would damn our whole community if we, as leads of our church, don't address this serious, increasing -"

I started gagging and jumped up. Mr. Knight immediately stopped talking and I felt six eyes on me as hot vomit slid up my throat and into the garbage can.

"Yeah," said Mr. Knight, "makes me sick, too."

I wasn't expecting that.

Thinking quick, I sank down to the floor. I heard the knife clasp as Kendall dropped it; he appeared from around the island and knelt down on my level. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," I played with a wink. I kept winking till he got the hint as I spoke, "I just felt really dizzy and threw up. What were we talking about…?"

When Mr. Knight said, "We were discussing -"

I gagged again. I _had_ to mess with him just a little after what he'd just said. I didn't care if he didn't know his son was gay. They were people, and they were living their lives, and it wasn't any of his business to go and gay bash a gay party. How dare he do such a thing. How dare he sink that low. I had lost respect for the man. Not _all_ respect, but majority of it. Enough to make me want to gag when he spoke.

"Ken, _we_ can talk about that later, privately," said Mrs. Knight, the saint, clearly seeing that I didn't want to talk about what he was talking about. "Logan, sweetie, does anything hurt?"

"No," I said. I tried to be as vague as possible because I wasn't really sick and I wanted a smoothie really badly, and Mrs. Knight was the kind of woman to say something like I was too sick for a smoothie.

I stood up slowly and sat at my spot at the table, casually, acting like nothing had just happened.

"Well, are you okay?" she asked, concern in her voice and eyes.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'll be okay."

"Are you sure -?"

"Yeah, really, I'm not sure what that was."

"Maybe I should make you an appointment…"

"I'm okay, honestly."

"Ok…well…if you're sure…if you feel sick at all…just…well, Ken and I will be upstairs in our room, if you need us, or anything at all…don't stay up too late, boys…"

"We won't," I said and they wished us goodnight and went upstairs, following the suit Katie had about ten minutes prior. I looked at Kendall, who resumed the smooth preparation without a word, looking small, depressed and once again vulnerable. It was scary to look at him this way; like his heart had been ripped from his chest - like he realized his father would never accept him. He looked up, feeling my eyes on him.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, "I would have puked sooner if I knew what was coming."

He stared blankly before blatantly laughing. "It's okay, Loge," was all he said, and he made the smoothies, and I just watched, not knowing what to say or do. He usually always had something to say, but not this time, not at this point, and again, it scared me.

He poured the pink liquid into 3 glasses. I helped him clean the kitchen and I carried his cup upstairs into our room as he 'snuck' Katie her glass. I put his glass on his end table and held mine in my hands, and I sat on my bed and waited for him to return. He came in and sat on his bed, and he stared at me.

"Go on, then," he said, "try it."

I didn't break eye contact as I brought the glass to my lips. It's deliciousness danced on my taste buds. Kendall had a faint smile and he started to drink his, too and we still kept eye contact. It was kind of a nice, awkward moment.

"How do you make yourself puke?" Kendall asked suddenly, sounding very curious.

I smiled. "Play with your uvula and think of something gross."

I wasn't really sure what to say after that, and we sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes, drinking smoothies before I said, "Are you okay?"

He said, "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"…cause of what happened. I know it's a big deal to you."

"It's okay, Logan. It's not like I didn't know how he is."

I didn't want to press him any further on that. I didn't want to make him talk about something he clearly didn't want to talk about, because he never made me, despite how curious he was. He waited for me.

He finished his smoothie and laid down, shutting off his lamp. "Goodnight, Loge."

"Goodnight."

It took me seven more minutes or so to finish my smoothie and I turned my lamp off, too and waited for Kendall to come into my bed. It was weird when he didn't. and I heard him snoring, and I knew he wasn't coming into my bed. My heart hurt. I couldn't help but think he had believed what his father said, about gays and damnation, and it worried me that Kendall was never going to sleep in my bed again.

I had a nightmare that night. A real one. A _bad_ one. It was like I was back in the middle of one of my dad's episodes, but suddenly it wasn't my father anymore. It was Mr. Knight. And Kendall was laughing. But when I woke up my alarm clock said it was 2:13 a.m., and I breathed heavily. I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time and I was sweaty and panicky and I hadn't been expecting this. My heart pounded hard and it felt like it was in my throat. I felt scared, like it was happening, I felt worried that it would happen again, and I felt vulnerable and I didn't like it one bit. Despite being fully clothes, I felt naked in my bed without Kendall. I stood up and my knees were so weak and shaky that I literally fell to the floor.

I got up and locked the door again, because I'd forgotten to do so, and locked the windows, and Kendall moaned in his sleep, obviously hearing me shuffle around. I guess I had been louder than I intended. He moaned again and said, "Wuddua doin' Logie," in a voice so groggy I barely understood him.

"I can't sleep." My voice shook hard as I spoke and I hadn't realized it till I actually talked. My body trembled heavily and I crawled into my bed.

He propped himself up on an elbow. "Are you okay? …did you just…_lock_ the windows?"

I said, "Yeah," and cuddled my blanket close to me tightly. I hated this. I never wanted Kendall to feel like I felt right then, and I never wanted Kendall to know what happened in that nightmare. _I_ didn't even want to know what happened in that nightmare.

"Oh, Logie," he said, "what happened?"

"…why aren't you sleeping with me." I sounded like I was crying, but I wasn't, I assure you. I was just really shaken.

He stood up and came into my bed. He wrapped his arms protectively around me and started to rub my hair and it was actually calming me down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly.

I ignored him. "How did you feel earlier?"

He sighed. "Rejected."

"More than that," I insisted. I wanted to get him to talk about it before it was too late. This wasn't for my benefit, but for his. I knew that by him _saying_ it, he'd get over it quicker. And, I wanted him to know that I cared.

His body adjusted against mine and his head sat on my head. "I felt worthless. Like if he knew I would honestly be dead to him. Like he'd _never_ accept me. And for a split second, I felt like God wouldn't forgive me…but He's _**always**_ been there for me, especially when dad wasn't. Then, I thought you were sick and it all turned to worry. I didn't remember what I'd been so upset about."

I turned my head so I was looking right at him. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah, really." We sat silently for a moment, then said, "Okay. Your turn. What was that dream about."

"It wasn't a dream," I corrected. If it had been a dream, Kendall would have been in it. "It was a nightmare. And I don't want to talk about it."

"…what? I just spilled my-"

"You spilled your feelings. Want to know how that nightmare made me feel? I felt scared, lost confused and vulnerable. But most of all…I felt abandoned because when I woke up, you weren't next to me…what happened? Why didn't you sleep with me…?" my voice was quiet because I didn't want to sound harsh. I was just curious, I was just wondering, I really wanted to know why he didn't come into my bed like he had for the past few months.

His voice was just as quiet. "I thought you might have…believed him…"

I kind of wanted to laugh because it was the same reason why I thought he didn't _want_ to come into bed with me.

So, like all the other times in my life, I was honest. "…I don't really believe _anything_ he says," I said duh-ly, matter-of-factly, obviously, whichever the right phrase was.

Kendall laughed and his body shook mine. "I even already knew that," he said. "I just…I don't know, panicked in my mind, I guess."

"Hey," I said turning my head to look at him again. "I'm always on your side, no matter what."

He laughed again. "I wouldn't promise that if I were you."

I laughed, too. "Yeah. You're probably right."

Day 260.

I woke up when I heard the doorknob clicking against its lock, then a subtle knock and, "boys?"

I shook Kendall quickly and whispered, "_Quietly_ get into your bed. Your mom's at the door."

He was as quiet as a mouse as he obeyed, and Mrs. Knight knocked again, and I jumped up from bed and unlocked the door, opening it and smiling at Mrs. Knight. "Uh, hi, sweetie," she said, sounding awkward. I knew my doofy smile was making her feel that way. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

She didn't believe me till she felt my forehead for a fever. "Did you have another nightmare last night? The door wasn't locked when I checked on you guys last night."

I nodded. "…I was uncomfortable."

"Do you need to talk to someone about this?"

I shook my head. "No, no, no, no. No. It's okay, really. It's okay. I just need to keep the door locked, is all. If I don't forget, then I don't have nightmares."

"Are you sure? It's-"

"It only happens if the door is unlocked. I don't know why. But when the door's locked, I'm okay."

I was lying. The night before last had been the first nightmare I'd ever had since living with the Knight's.

"Okay, hon…is Kendall still asleep?"

"Yeah. We stayed up late like you said not to."

She laughed. "You can at least _try_ to sneak it."

I shrugged.

"Well, Katie and I are spending the day with Grandma. Ken - dad - is leaving around noon for the bake sale at the church. What are your plans for the day?"

I shrugged. "Sleeping till noon and playing video games till dinner sounded pretty good to me."

She laughed again. "Don't waste your summer away playing video games, love. Have an adventure or something. Don't leave unless you tell me where you're going, though, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay. But you should probably know that playing video games with Kendall is always an adventure."

She rubbed my head laughing, and kissed my forehead. "Alright, baby. I'll see you at dinner."

"Okay."

"Bye. I love you."

"I love you too."

She turned and started walking down the hall, and I closed the door and looked at Kendall. "Did you hear all that?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yep."

"Good. Now get your ass back into my bed."

* * *

Note: honest opinions pleaseeee. Thanks for reading! (:


	16. Days 260 through 313

Thoughts:. So, I decided to do the big heartbreaking thing I was talking about in this chapter. I'll admit, it was a little hasty, but this is my story, and **I did what I felt like I had to do. **  


* * *

So, Kendall and I, in all actuality, spent Day 260 sleeping till noon and playing video games till dinner. However, Mrs. Knight called and informed us that she, Katie and Grandma would go out to dinner, and Mr. Knight was going to take us out to dinner.

We got ready, and Mr. Knight came home around six. We went outside to the driveway, and I stared at the cars; Mr. Knight's, and Kendall's.

"Everything okay?" Mr. Knight asked. He hadn't known about my fear of driving with people since the accident, and he seemed awkward. The only one I had driven with was Kelso, but I was okay with that because I had driven with her _countless_ times before that.

I didn't know how to answer, but Kendall did for me. "Logan, uh…well…can I drive?"

Mr. Knight looked at me. "You afraid?"

I nodded. "Yeah…I'm really scared."

He smiled. "It's okay to be scared, Logan. You were traumatized by what happened. But, there's always a time for you to conquer your fears."

"…I don't think now is that time."

He laughed. "I think it is. Come on, it'll be okay."

"How do you _know_?"

"…truth, is, I don't. But the fun part is the adrenaline of not knowing what's going to happen next. You'll have to get in a car with someone other than Kendall, and you don't want to be afraid, do you?"

"…no. But-"

"No buts."

"But-"

"_No_ buts."

"_BUT_ I'm scared!"

"There are no buts."

"Yes there is. Because I'm scared, so therefore there is a but, because it is besides the point of but because I'm scared to get in that car without Kendall driving. Therefore, I won't."

"You're refusing to get in the car if Kendall is not driving?"

I nodded. "Yep. That's what I said."

Mr. Knight's eyes shifted. "This is bad parenting, but I'm hungry, and I'm caving. Kendall, drive."

Mr. Knight didn't want McDonald's, so we went to some fancy-dance restaurant that I'd never heard of, that served salads and soups and breadsticks, and got you full till your actual meal came.

Mr. Knight talked a lot about what was going on at the church, but neither Kendall or I cared too much about it, and we got into a _real_ full on conversation when he asked us how _our_ lives were going.

Kendall started freaking out about Black Ops and Zombies, and I listened as he talked, and then, when attention was turned to me, I talked about school. I wanted to talk about music, because I loved it, it was like my passion, but I didn't want to kill any secret I had with Kendall. Every secret Kendall and I had was special and I wanted to savor them, good or bad.

Mr. Knight was able to finish all of his meal and still want desert, but I couldn't even get half of my dinner done and I definitely didn't think about deserts. Kendall ate most of his dinner and got a pudding, because, apparently, every time he went to that restaurant, he got pudding.

I climbed in the back of the BMW and closed my eyes. I was tired and it was nine o'clock, and it was rare for me to be tired at nine during the summer, but I was. Kendall kept the radio down low, and Mr. Knight raved at how good the dinner just was and wondered aloud what Katie, Mrs. Knight, and Grandma had.

When we got home, Katie's little black dog, Sirius, was patiently waiting by the door to bed let out, and Mr. Knight took him outside. Kendall and I trekked up the stairs and into our bedroom. I flopped down on my bed and regretted it instantly; my too-full stomach not agreeing with my actions. I calmly rolled over and kicked my shoes off.

Mrs. Knight got home right after we did, and came upstairs and smiled brightly at us. "Have a good day, boys?" she asked.

I nodded.

Kendall, who was on his own bed, said, "Mom, guess what I learned today."

"What'd you learn, baby?"

"I learned how to defeat the Zombies!"

Mrs. Knight laughed, clearly not expecting that, and said, "That's great, baby. I take it you had a great day, then."

Kendall nodded vigorously, like a two year old child after telling his mother he'd learned the most fascinating thing the world that day. He was quite cute, quite irresistibly cute.

The next Day, Day 261, was spent mainly up in the loft. Kendall had Selena, I sat in front of Kimberly, and we were just playing music, not exchanging words, not singing or humming bars, just music. I messed up a few times, but I was used to it, Kendall was used to it (although, he'd never noticed when I'd messed up) and we were just having fun.

"I wish I could use my pinky," I said, looking at it. It looked like a regular, normal pinky, but it was sedentary, and there were three scars from where I'd bitten it, including a small chunk missing from the bite that needed stitches.

I was less frustrated with it at this point, though, but I still missed the use of it.

Kendall said, "You're doing fine without it, though."

"I know, but it still sucks."

"Yeah," he said, "But at least you're not like, dwelling on it. Could you imagine living your life only thinking about how you can't use your pinky? And you're not even giving up playing piano, even though it's hard. I'm proud of you, Logie."

I couldn't help but smile and feel great inside to hear him say that. I'd heard him say it before, but it always meant something to me each time. It was sweet and cute and I loved hearing it. It made me feel better about myself, it made me feel right, and it made me feel that one day, I would be openly in love with him and nothing would ever even matter because as days went by, I'd be with him, and he'd always be proud of me.

That Friday, Day 264, James and Carlos came over and we all went up to the loft with our usual battery-powered radio and snack stash, and they were trying to convince Kendall and I to play for them. My eyes shifted and Kendall bit his lip. "…I don't know, guys. It's kind of, like…_our_ thing…"

"We're all friends," said James, "just a _little_?"

Kendall shrugged. "Maybe if you guys tell _us_ your biggest secrets, then we'll play for you."

Now James bit his lip and his eyes shifted. He really wanted to hear us, but he didn't want to have to tell his biggest secret to do it. Neither did Carlos. And I think that's why Kendall had said it in the first place.

Carlos said, "I have really bad breath in the morning," in the same tone that Cady Herrin did in _Mean Girls_, and Kendall, James and I burst out laughing.

"That doesn't count, we all already knew that," said Kendall.

Carlos said, "It was worth the shot. Please just play for us. We won't laugh or anything."

"It's just…our secret thing."

I looked at him, knowing it wasn't our _biggest_ secret thing, because our biggest secret thing was the subtle kisses and being gay, and being kind of gay _together_.

James and Carlos looked at us with pleading eyes and I glanced at Kendall, who was looking at me. "Well…" he dragged on, "do _you_ want to?" he asked me.

My heart beat hard in my chest as I grew nervous to answer the question. "Uh…not really. But I guess we can if you want to…"

Kendall sighed. "This is the _only_ time you'll hear us play, got it? Don't go asking ever again."

They nodded eagerly, and solemnly swore they wouldn't ask again, but I saw them hide their hands behind their backs, knowing they were crossing their fingers, meaning they would happily break their promise if they wanted to because it really meant nothing if fingers were crossed.

I took a deep breath and stood up, and sat at the bench to my red piano, my _Kimberly_, and Kendall picked up Selena, and he made the first strum, and I positioned my fingers above the piano, and we started to play. We didn't sing, but I found myself humming a little, and I kept my focus on the keys, not wanting to see the expressions on the others' faces, and I tried my best not to let my pinky get in my way. I'd thought about taping it into a position where it wouldn't get in my way on more than one occasion, but I knew that tape either would hold, or it would hold _too_ hard and have to be ripped off painfully.

Then I thought that I wouldn't feel it because of my pinky, but then I thought that it'd have to be taped to my hand and it'd hurt to be ripped off my hand. Taping it would be a fucking stupid idea, and that was that.

Once Kendall and I stopped playing, I looked up at James and Carlos who were gawking. "DAMN," they said finally, simultaneously.

I could feel my ears turn red and Kendall blushed, and put down the guitar, I stayed where I was, and Kendall sat on his sleeping bag on the floor. "Are you satisfied now?"

"Dude!" James said, "Why didn't you ever tell us you guys were excellent? We thought you just played around. Do you have like, secret lessons, too?"

"We were just playing around. We've never had any lessons," said Kendall.

"Well, I mean, my grandma taught me the basics when I was younger," I said.

"You…that was…how…_why_ don't you like to play for people again?" Carlos asked.

Kendall shrugged. "It's just…our thing."

"Yeah, your thing that you should share with the world."

"We play instruments in a loft by ourselves," said Kendall dully. "We're not professionals. I want to play hockey, you guys know that, and Logan's gonna be a doctor."

They looked at me. "Doctor, rockstar, doctor, rockstar," said James, clearly trying to get me to compare the two occupations.

"I don't _rock_," I said. "I play piano."

"Which you _rock_ at," Carlos explained.

"Just drop it, okay?" Kendall said. "This conversation is over."

The one thing I didn't like about summer was Church. I didn't mind going, but I _hated_ dressing up in the heat. It was too hot to wear suits, yet every Sunday, there we were, wearing suits. By the end of every sermon, our jackets were off, our ties were undone and our shirts were untucked as we sweat severely.

June flew by, and the end of July came just as quickly. Kendall and I went to the fair in the beginning of August, on Day 300, August 9th, where he helped me overcome my fear of rollercoasters, and then told me that if I could do that, then I could overcome my fear of driving with someone other than him.

I told him he was daft, and that he was the only person I ever needed to get into a car with.

He told me that there would come a day where he wouldn't be able to drive me and that someone else would have to, and that I wouldn't have a choice but to get into the car with someone else.

I told him that when that day came, that would be the day I got over my fear of getting in a car with someone other than him.

Day 312

I'll always remember exactly what I was doing, exactly what I was looking at, and exactly how I felt. Kendall and I were together in that spot of his in the field behind the yard, writing music. Birds chirped, butterflies fluttered, and the air was hot and sticky. I could _smell_ the heat. No wind blew, no clouds were in sight, and the sun beat down hard on my neck, easily causing me to sweat.

We were attempting to write a song, but we just kept goofing off. He would write a few chords, I would sing a line or two and we would laugh at how ridiculous we thought we sounded, when in all actuality we weren't doing half as bad as we usually did, despite our lack of concentration.

Kendall was still laughing at something I'd sang when he answered his ringing cell phone. "Hello?" He asked into the receiver. His laughing quickly seized; his smiled faltered, and I felt my heart drop in anticipation of what was about to be said to me. His body twitched as he listened, and I became more and more curious about what that other person was saying.

I couldn't hear anything besides the damn birds. I kept studying him as he listened, and he finally said, "Okay, we're coming," and hung up. I kept staring, not asking, but he still answered. "Dad had a heart attack. He's at Southwest. I guess it's not really looking too good right now…"

"…you're joking," I accused.

"I'm not," he said, keeping his voice calm. "I'm not joking. We have to go. Like, now."

He brought Selena into the house and left her on the couch; I followed him to the BMW. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel, and I kept my eye on him, secretly of course, the entire time. Still, he stayed calm and steady, and I felt safe in the car with him. I always felt safe in the car with him. He made himself unaware of the situation while driving, but he started shaking and turned pale once we reached the hospital.

"Are you okay?" I asked, after we'd parked and had been sitting in the car for two minutes.

"_I'm_ fine," he said rather harshly, and opened the door to the BMW, closing it hard. I followed in his suit, being less aggressive with 'Vinny', and followed behind him into the E.R. Katie sat there alone, looking small and scared, and she jumped up when she saw us, rushing to Kendall and jumping into his arms. He gladly scooped her up and hugged her tightly. "Any news yet Kit-Kat?" he questioned smoothly, his voice soft.

She shook her head and Kendall put her down, and I sat next to her as Kendall paced back and forth. There was a fish in the massive fish tank that literally followed him, swimming back and forth as he paced. Katie took my hand and led me over to the tank and questioned me on _every_ fish in there. They were all salt-water fish and there was even a small shark in there.

It was about an hour before Mrs. Knight appeared. She wasn't crying, but her face was red and blotchy, her eyes bloodshot, and it was obvious she had _just_ managed to stop crying enough to come talk to us. She was shaking her head. "It's…" she pulled us away from the ear of Katie. "His heart is literally failing," she informed. "…you have to say your goodbyes and go home. I'm going to take Katie in first, okay?"

"Katie, come talk to daddy." Mrs. Knight held out her hand and Katie took it, and let her mother lead her to her father's hospital room.

I suddenly felt like I was the one having the heart attack I didn't know how this was possible. Everything was fine yesterday, but it was suddenly so opposite of fine. It seemed like the world was crashing because this was something that just wasn't possible.

Kendall looked at me, his face pale and his body shaking, and said, "You're coming in there _with_ me."

"…I assumed we _were_ going in together," I informed. I certainly wasn't going in alone, and I wasn't expecting Kendall to want to either. I shook as we waited. I was nervous for what was about to come. When the girls returned, Katie was crying, too and said in a small voice that it was Kendall's turn. Kendall looked at me, and I stood up, too, and walked next to him down the hall to room C13. Mr. Knight looked like death in his hospital bed, all sorts of wires were hooked up to him, a heart monitor, IV, oxygen mask, etc., and he was ghostly pale. He slipped the mask off and let it hang around his neck. "My boys," he said finally, his voice hoarse, raspy and weak.

Once Kendall started crying, I did too.

Mr. Knight said, "It's okay, boys. God needs me right now."

"What if I need you?" Kendall asked, his voice small.

"…you'll always have God, and you'll always have me."

"You're dying."

"Not in your heart or soul, son."

"Things won't be the same…"

"It's okay, Kendall. This is how it's supposed to be, otherwise it wouldn't be happening. God no longer needs me here on this earth, He needs me in Heaven. This is life, honey, people die and things change. It's inevitable, and it happens all the time. You'll find a way. You always do. I'll be watching over you, though, all the time. You, Mom, Katie, and even you, Logan."

I looked up upon hearing my name.

"…It's not okay!" Kendall screamed suddenly, his hands shaking, his voice panicking. "You're not supposed to die! There's so much more you can do here! You're…this…this isn't how you're supposed to leave me, dad…"

"…how else would I leave, son?" Mr. Knight stayed as calm as Kendall had all day, up till that point of course. It was a little weird to see him start to freak out, but after being so calm all day, I didn't blame him for finally freaking out. "god _intends_ it to be this way, Kendall. That's why it is what it is."

"No," he said, sobbing. His shoulders shook, his cheeks were red, and his eyes were puffy. "You're supposed to disown me. You're supposed to say I'm the devil's child and I can't live under your roof because I was going to hell! _That's_ how it's supposed to - YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE! Not yet this isn't right…THIS IS'NT FUCKING RIGHT!" He got real quiet, his chest heaved, and I couldn't believe he'd cursed in front of his father. He whispered, "please don't die, dad…"

Mr. Knight was crying now, his blinking was very slow. I could feel the blood drain from my face, and I didn't know what to say or do, so I stayed quiet in my spot just to watch this all unfold. Mr. Knight said, "…this is out of my hands…if I could control…I can't control this, buddy, I just can't…"

"We can pray to God for a miracle, at least," said Kendall, his voice full of desperation.

"I don't have any more miracles left, Kendall. I've used them all up. And you were the first," he looked at me with a small smile. "And Logan was the last. But I'm going to tell you what I told Katie. God knows what he's doing, Kendall. This is what He believes so we have to believe in Him, and trust that this is what is best. I'll always be here with you…you're my boys through thick and thin…and I'll always love you with everything I have…I'll never disown you, Kendall…what was that about?"

Kendall swallowed hard. "I'm gay."

I nearly choked on air.

"I'm sorry," said Kendall desperately, clearly feeling guilty. "I would change if I could, but I _can't_…I am what I am. Please don't hate me dad, please…I love you…I just…please don't be mad at me…daddy…"

I had never seen so many tears come out of Kendall's beautiful eyes in my entire life and I kept crying, too. The scene was heartbreaking. It was one you saw in movies, and it was one that you wouldn't expect to ever witness, yet here I was, watching a dying man say goodbye to his seventeen year old son.

Mr. Knight's eyes looked hard and his body shook badly, but the machines stayed regular. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I had figured with all the bullshit Mr. Knight had put Kendall through, all the times he mentioned 'rescuing' gays from damnation, that it wasn't going to end well. Instaed, he opened his arms and Kendall gratefully ran into the hug. "I'm not mad at you, Kenny, and I could _never_ hate you, okay?" Mr. Knight was trying his best to calm down his son, who was crying so hard he could barely breathe, so badly in fact that I thought Kendall might die before Mr. Knight.

Kendall nodded. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeated.

"It's okay, it's okay."

I wanted to say it, too, so badly. I wanted to tell him I was gay too, but I couldn't. I was too selfish. If he knew we were both gay, he'd definitely tell Mrs. Knight, and we certainly wouldn't share a room, and that meant Kendall couldn't sleep in my bed. And I wasn't ready for that, and I knew we both needed it, especially once this was all over. I wasn't ready for him to know, and despite me knowing that if I didn't say it then, Mr. Knight would never know, I still kept my mouth shut.

Then. Mr. Knight squeezed Kendall's cheeks tightly and said, "Gay or not, I love you, okay? I'm not going to die angry with you, or on opposite sides, or disappointed in you. You're my son, you're my pride and joy…and I'm sorry for anything I've said that could have possibly offended you. Had I known… I don't know what would have happened…but I'm glad I know…God will forgive you, Kendall, I'll convince him, okay? I accept you just the way you are, and God will, too. You're the best son I could have ever asked for and I'm so proud of you."

Kendall took a deep breath and said, "I love you dad," and that was clearly all he could say.

"You're going to have to take care of your mom, sister, and younger brother over there, right?" He said, referring to me on that last part. I felt awkward. "You'll be okay, Kendall, I'll always be with you, I'll always be with you….Logan?"

I looked up again and he smiled weakly. "I am so glad you've been apart of my life. You are an incredible young man and I feel honored to have known you and to have helped you find yourself. God knowing I had a part in _your_ upbringing _ensures_ me that spot in Heaven, I swear. I'm lucky to call you my son. Come here." He opened his eyes and I hugged him now, too, but I still didn't know what to say. I didn't think of him as my father, but he was a man who had impeccable impact on my life. "thank you for letting me be apart of your life," I said finally, softly. "I owe you my life. I wish I could take your place."

"Nonsense," said Mr. Knight. "Better me than you. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and I can sense success for you. You keep those grades up, Logan, and you be a doctor. It's your destiny, I can feel it."

And that was it.

Kendall had finally calmed down a bit, we exchanged I love you's, and Mr. Knight promised this wasn't the end, that we'd see him again, but it'd be a while. We made our way down the hallway, drying our eyes, walking side by side, and Mrs. Knight jumped up and hugged us. "Take Katie home," she said, her voice soft. "Okay? I'll be home as soon as I can. Keep your phones on. Text me when you get home. _be_ safe, Kendall, okay?"

Kendall nodded and she kissed each of our cheeks. "You've got a younger sister and brother to take care of."

I wondered _why_ they kept saying that. It was freaking awkward and if felt my body stiffen.

Kendall just nodded again and looked at his crying sister, "Katie," he said, "let's go."

The girl stood up and stood beside me, and took my hand.

Kendall led the way out to the BMW and Katie got in the back, I got in the front, and Kendall started the car.

"…are you okay enough to drive?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah," he said. "If I didn't think I was, I wouldn't drive with you and Katie in the car."

I trusted Kendall, and I felt safe with him driving, so when he turned the car on and drove home smoothly, I mentally kicked myself for doubting him.

Kendall and I sat in the living room with Katie and we sat silently for a few minutes before the three of us cuddled on the couch under a blanket and watched the entire Harry Potter series on DVD. Katie had fallen asleep during the third movie, and Kendall brought her upstairs before coming back down to watch the rest of the series with me. We cuddled under the blanket together, his arm wrapped securely around me, like if he let go I wouldn't be there anymore.

We got to the sixth one around two a.m., Day 313, and Kendall's phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He clearly didn't want to let go of me to reach into his pocket for his phone, but I sat up straight and stopped leaning against him so he could get it. He looked at the text for about three minutes before showing it to me.

**From**: Mom

**Sent**: 2:13 am

**August** **22**

**Msg**: It happened. Daddy's gone. I b home in few hrs.

As I held the phone, it went off again.

**From**: Mom

**Sent**: 2:23 am

**August** **22**

**Msg**: u awake? U ok? Katie ok? Logie ok?

Kendall had silent tears rolling down his cheeks so I replied for him.

**From**: Me

**Sent**: 2:25 am

**August** **22**

**Msg**: Katie's asleep. Everyone's ok. U ok?

**From**: Mom

**Sent**: 2:26 am

**August** **22**

**Msg**: I b ok. Get some sleep. Love u xoxo

**From**: Me

**Sent**: 2:27 am

**August** **22**

**Msg**: ok. Love you too.

I too initiative and stood up, turning the television off and taking Kendall's hand. "Come on, Kendall, let's go upstairs and go to bed."

His hand was large compared to mine, and it was shaky in mine. It was weird for me to take the lead, but I knew Kendall needed me to. I did what I had to do to take care of him. I knew he'd been praying for that miracle, even though he inevitably wasn't going to get it this time. My heart beat hard in my chest and there was a lump in my throat, and I didn't even close the door that night, knowing Mrs. Knight was going to come home and want to check on us before she went to bed herself, and I didn't care if she saw Kendall and I cuddled in the same bed, and I was pretty sure Kendall didn't care either.

We fell asleep, technically spooning, with tears dried to our faces, because Mr. Knight was really dead, and it was so sudden. About 18 hours earlier, he was in the kitchen, singing his gospel, getting ready for the charity basketball game at the civic center. This time yesterday, he was in his bed, sleeping with his wife, and now his body was in a morgue, and his spirit was in heaven.

Mr. Knight was the thirteenth death I'd experience.

And it was by far the worst.

* * *

Note: I hope you enjoy and understand why I did it. And so suddenly. Well, you'll probably understand MORE next chapter.


	17. Day 313

Thoughts: "When in doubt, fcmd can bail you out" I have writer's block at the end of the chapter. When i have writer's block, someone always gets sick.  


* * *

Day 313.

I was the first to wake up, and when I did, I still had my arm wrapped around Kendall. I slowly sat up and immediately noticed Mrs. Knight and Katie sleeping in Kendall's bed. Mrs. Knight had her arm around Katie the same way I'd just had mine around Kendall.

I slowly got out of bed, doing my best not disturb the sleeping wonder that was Kendall. I couldn't _help_ but smile at the sight of him, snoozing, being able to just lay there, in his unconscious state, not having to think about the events that occurred. I studied his moon-shaped scar; it wasn't as bulky looking as it had been, but it was definitely noticeable, and I couldn't help but think he wouldn't have that if it weren't for me.

I looked at the clock, 8:13. Kendall and I had been up till nearly three, and Mrs. Knight didn't get in till some time after that, so I imagined everyone would still be asleep for a few more hours.

I couldn't sleep.

I thought about my mom. If she had been on her death bed when I saw her back in - what? February? -then she was probably was dead by now. It's not like I hadn't thought about her being dead before; she was, after all, my mom. I spent literally years wondering if she were alive, and it saddened me to think that she definitely couldn't be alive right then.

I wondered if there really _was_ a heaven, and if Mr. Knight really saw his God. I wondered if Mr. Knight saw _my mom_ and I wondered if her 'spirit' thanked Mr. Knight's spirit for taking care of me while he was alive. I wondered if my mother even made it into heaven.

I took a shower, and got dressed, and left my hair wet and matted to my head, and went downstairs and brewed coffee. I was more of an ice-coffee drinker, but my eyes were definitely tired. I wasn't a coffee expert or anything, but I was basically _positive_ that ice-coffee is hot coffee with _ice_ in it.

Hence _ice_ coffee.

I just put cream and sugar in it. Sometimes I went with French vanilla cream, but we didn't have any, so regular cream would suffice well.

Mrs. Knight entered the kitchen when I had spilled ice coffee all over the counter, and started to clean it with an "oops," and mumbling of curse words. She looked dreadfully tired, and her eyes were red, and her hair was a mess, and she was clearly upset. Yet, she still faked a smile, said, "Good morning. Are you okay, today?"

My heart fumbled a little in my chest. "I'm okay," I said. "Are _you_ okay?"

She nodded and yawned.

"You should get some sleep," I offered. "You couldn't have gotten home too long ago…"

"I can't sleep," she breathed, "it's…I-I can't sleep."

"….do you want some coffee, then?"

She nodded, and I made her coffee how she liked it, hot, with a little bit of milk, and one and a half splenda. Not one, not two, but _one and a half_. I pushed the cup towards her, but not after spilling _hot_ coffee on myself, and cursing quite loudly.

Mrs. Knight didn't seem to care that I had sworn. I shrugged it off and wiped coffee up, and she said, "You're up early. Are you sure you're okay?"

I gave her a smile, hoping it would at least cheer her up a little. I didn't know how I _could_, or how she felt like she could even move without her husband, but I guaranteed that Kendall and Katie were the ones giving her the motivation to even breathe. "Kare," I said, "I can't sleep. I couldn't sleep at all."

"The door wasn't closed," she said suddenly. "I left the door open when I snuck in with Katie. I'm so sorry baby, I totally let it slip my mind, your _poor sub-consciousness…"_

"It's okay," I said, "really, Karen…I just am constantly thinking. My brain can't shut down. …Karen?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"What, uh, happens to the church now?"

She took in a deep breath. "I suppose I'll fill in till we find a permanent replacement."

"You have your preaching license?"

She laughed. She laughed and laughed and I didn't think she was ever going to stop. But I knew that kind of laugh. It was the laugh that said, if I don't laugh, then I'm going to cry. I hated that laugh, but I sucked it up all the same. "Oh, sweetheart," she stood up and gave me a hug, using a bunch of different pet names, "oh baby, oh honey, oh darling, you're so precious. You don't need a preaching license. It's not exactly a _job_, being a preacher…it's more like…a spiritual advisor."

She still had her arm around me, and I turned to look up at her, "Karen?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Will you be a different preacher than Mr. Knight?"

She looked down at me. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"

"I mean…well…I mean Mr. Knight was kind of… …_mean_ to select groups of people. Like…" I said it slowly, not wanting to offend Mrs. Knight, or Mr. Knight's spirit that was probably lingering in the air, you know, if I'd _believed_ in that, I mean.

"Like gays?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded hesitantly.

"I know," she said, emphasizing on the know.

"What do you know?" I questioned. "That he was mean?"

She shook her head. "I know what…I just know. You know what I'm talking about."

I shook my head. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know," she encouraged.

"Know what?" I questioned.

Her eyes shifted. She clearly didn't want to say it, but I wasn't going to let up first. "You…know."

"…know what?"

"I _know_ you know."

"Know what, exactly?"

"Logan," she said, "Don't make me say it." She was a lot like Kendall, Mrs. Knight, with this petty little arguments, and the stubbornness of letting up.

"I don't know what _it_ is, because I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're being complicated," she said.

I shook my head. "You're being complicated. I'm being reasonable. I don't just _know_ what you think about."

She sighed. "Okay, smarty pants," she said with a nod. "You're gay. Kendall's gay…"

I blinked heavily. "Okay, and _how_-"

She laughed that laugh again. "I'm the mom. I know _everything_ that goes on around here, _before_ it goes on around here. I've known that Kendall's gay for…three, maybe four years? You? It wasn't so easy in the beginning, for a long time I honestly believed you weren't gay…till you looked at Kendall the way he looks at you."

"…which is?"

"The way that I looked at Mr. Knight for the forty seven years I've known him."

Tears burned my tired eyes now, and I said, "…what'd you say to him that night? The one where helped lead that protest on thirty whatever street?"

Tears fell down her face.

"…You told him, didn't you?"

She nodded. "But I also told him to accept it and take it as it is. Because if he didn't he'd lose his sons, like his father lost him, like he'd lost Simon and Jonathan. And I mean, look at how fast we'd almost lost you in the car accident. Anything could have happened, I said, and he never wanted to be on bad terms with his kids. Even if that meant slightly changing his beliefs to accept his sons."

"I just don't get it," I said, "I'm so confused by everything that has been happening lately…I just don't…I don't know, _why_ would anyone _believe_ that gay people are bad?" I shook my head vigorously, signaling that I didn't want to have this conversation, especially because Mr. Knight had only been dead for a few hours. I felt bad about talking about him. I didn't want to. But at the same time, what else was there to talk about?"

She nodded. "I know, baby," she said, "it's not easy for you, is it? Your poor little mind. I can just _read_ that it's psychoanalyzing all of this, trying to make sense of the horrid life you've had. All the people you've lost…it's just not fair. And then being confused about how you feel…your mind must be tortured."

Surprisingly, she wasn't helping.

Please note the sarcasm.

However, I felt like I should be helping her, not the other way around, and so I shook my head again, still not wanting to talk about all this. Mrs. Knight seemed very concerned for me, and it was weird because I felt like we should be in opposite shoes. She just lost her husband, for Christ's sake. Then again, my big brain thought, she _is_ a mother, and it's her job to be concerned. "Are you sure you're okay, baby?" she asked, taking a step closer to me.

I couldn't help but take a step back. It was natural instinct for me, and I was still shaking my head, but I stopped suddenly, and looked at Mrs. Knight concerned, fearful eyes. I stepped forward, and wrapped my arms around her. I felt awkward, but I wasn't sure what else to do.

Her cheek snuggled against my forehead and she backed her head up a little to look at me, still keeping the hug going as best as possible. "You feel warm to me," she said.

I half smiled. "I'm okay," I said.

She moved her backhand all around my face and forehead and said, "no, really, you're burning up. What's the matter?"

I shook my head. "I feel fine. Maybe your hands are cold."

Then, she used her _face_ to move around my face and forehead. "Mmm, no, uh-uh, you've got a fever, Logan."

I pulled away and kept shaking my head. "No," I said, "I don't." I assumed she was just trying to find something to occupy herself with being concerned about. She needed something to take her mind off of losing her husband; Katie and Kendall were sleeping, and I was the open target.

"Logan, you're so warm, please…_please_ just let me take your temperature?"

How could I say no? her eyes were pleading, and it'd make her happy or satisfy her a little, something to improve her day in the slightest, I didn't want to argue with her about anything, at all. I didn't quite understand how she was taking this so well. I've been through quite a few deaths in my life, and I'd been quite a hard ass when it came to losing people at this point.

But Mrs. Knight? She was so calm about it. She wasn't crying, or screaming, or swearing. She seemed like it hadn't exactly happened. Despite being tired, and having just crawled out of bed, it _appeared_ like a regular morning, only difference was Katie and Kendall were still asleep. She didn't seem depressed and she didn't seem dejected.

She shoved a thermometer in my mouth and I shifted my eyes awkwardly around as we waited. She watched me intently as we waited and it was quite awkward. I felt like she was scrutinizing me, and I didn't exactly like it.

I shifted my eyes still as the beeping thermometer was pulled out of my mouth and Mrs. Knight studied it, looked at me and said firmly, "You. Have. A. Fever. 100.4!"

I rolled my eyes. "That's nothing," I said simply.

She gave me a hard, firm look, one that I hadn't exactly seen from her before. I backed down just a little. "You're running a fever," she said with a nod. "And you're sick, and you should go back to bed."

"I just want to-"

"Don't argue with me Logan," she said, again, I wasn't really _diggin'_ the harshness.

I said I didn't want to argue with her, but she wasn't really giving me a choice to talk. There was a question that had popped into my mind, and I wanted to know the answer pretty badly. "Just listen, I just have a question…Karen…if you…if you _knew_ that Kendall and I are…gay, then why…why do you let us stayinthesameroom?"

I said that last part so quickly I wasn't sure if she caught it. I had hoped she did because I didn't want to repeat myself. I didn't want her to say, 'why should I not let you?' or something like that. It wouldn't be the first time I'd have to remind her not to answer a question _with_ a question. Instead, though, she said, "Like I said, I see the way you look at each other," the hardness in her face suddenly broke and it turned soft. "Like the way Ken and I looked at each other. I know Kendall has abstained till marriage, of course, but I know he knows who he is. I don't know if you know who you are and that's what scares me the most about you. Not that hard front you put up, or the acting like you're not sick, or acting like you don't have any problems or demons in your closet. I just want you to find yourself, because everybody is destined for greatness. Those strong enough to prove their greatness to God are the ones accepted into Heaven, Logie, whatever their sexuality, race, heritage, or religion. That's what _I_ believe."

She studied me carefully and I studied her back. My mind was confused, thinking back to all the things Mr. Knight said about God, and about how people who strictly followed His rules were accepted into heaven, and everyone else, if they break even _one_ rule go to hell, which is buried six feet in the ground to rot.

"I trust you Logan," she said after taking in a deep breath. "I trust Kendall. …I trust that this was all meant to happen."

My eyes welled up and I shook my head again, having a really bad feeling about what she was talking about. "Karen-"

"This was meant to happen…it was destined. I-"

"You can't believe that," I said, "You can't believe that. You can't…Mr. Knight didn't die because…"

She nodded. "I believe he died for many, many reasons. I believe Mr. Knight was needed in heaven, and that he had done all he could here for the things he was meant to care for. But he wasn't meant to care for your relationship with Kendall. And your relationship with Kendall is inevitable. You're _supposed_ to be together."

"…but not at someone else's expense. That's cruel."

"Life's a trip," she said, "There's always a bad turn."

I shook my head again.

"Stop trying to deny this. You know I make sense."

"It's illogical. I can't have it."

She giggled a little and said, "I'll get you some orange juice. Go lay down."

I looked at the clothes that I had just put on and the coffee that I had just made. I shrugged it all off and hopped _healthily_ up the stairs, and again, couldn't help but smile at Kendall's sleeping body. I slithered into the bed, trying not to hit Kendall, shift the bed, or hit the wall. I collapsed onto the bed next to Kendall who shifted and groaned in his sleep.

I started at him, being still, hoping he didn't wake up by the sudden shift in weight.

"Mmhmhm yof omay Logie?"

I giggle a little and rubbed his back. "'m okay, Kendall. Go back to sleep, kay?"

"Mmmmkay." He was suddenly still and his sleep evened out. I guess he didn't have to be asked twice.

Mrs. Knight came in with orange juice and she handed me the glass. I sipped it a little, reached over Kendall, and gently placed it on the table next to the bed. Mrs. Knight kissed Kendall's forehead and rubbed hair out of his face with her thumb. She then moved over to Kendall's bed and did the same thing to Katie, and then she turned and came back to my bed and rubbed my arm, stretching over Kendall.

"Oh, baby," she said, "I hope you don't get sicker. Just sleep, okay? I know you need it."

I said nothing. I just nodded, and she turned and left, but not before I heard her sniffle.

I still couldn't sleep. I just kept stroking Kendall's cheek, or playing with his hair, or doing something involving him that would possibly entertain me. If I didn't focus on Kendall, then I would be focusing on death, and I wanted to forget about what happened by ignoring the situation till the hurt went away.

It's how I dealt with everything.

After about an hour or so, Kendall turned and his eyes opened and he looked at me. "Did this really happen, Logie?"

I nodded sadly. "I'm afraid so."

Then, he started crying, and my heart sank deep into my stomach, and I didn't know what to do besides rub his arms, and wipe his tears away. I'd never had to comfort someone like this, and it was surreal that it was happening then.

"He was my dad," said Kendall, "if I'd known that he would have accepted this…"

There was a lump in my throat and it hurt when I talked. "You couldn't have known anything. None of this. It is what it is."

Green eyes were still engulfed with water that looked like the ocean; he studied me and stroked my face. "You're beautiful," he whispered as softly as he could, knowing that Katie was in the room, not knowing that Mrs. Knight knew there was something other than brothers going on between us.

I swallowed hard and put my head as close to his as I possibly could. My forehead was against his, I was looking into my eyes, and he was looking back into mine. "I love you Kendall," I said suddenly, my voice soft and slowly breaking.

There was a long pause; Kendall didn't let any more tears slip, but I knew they were still there. "You're warm. Are you feeling okay?"

I nodded subtly, but I could no longer deny my splitting headache and pit-feeling in my stomach.

"We should be asleep," I said.

He nodded, agreeing, and then said, "I can't sleep this way anymore. I need to be on the other side of you."

I chuckled and went to crawl out of the bed, and Kendall said, "No, I'll get up-"

"I have to put my pajamas back on anyways," I said, and I got up, and watched him casually scoot over into the spot I was just in, and I stripped right there and replaced my clothes with the first pajamas I found. Of course, they were Kendall's, but of course, nobody _cared_. We were tired, we were in mourning, and we didn't care about anything.

I got into bed and spooned with Kendall, who immediately wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on top of mine. He did that often, and it was oddly comforting against my uncomfortable body.

"You're so warm," he mumbled a few times, "so, so warm."

I felt his hot tears land on my face and I felt _so_ bad about Kendall losing his father. Words couldn't even describe how I felt. And then on top of that, I was worrying them with my pathetic, no-big-time-deal low-grade fever. I was the last person in the house who needed attention then, and I was so pissed at myself for this.

I fell asleep before Kendall did, and when I woke up, light did not shine through the windows. I was soaked in my own sweat, and I immediately noticed the door being cracked ajar slightly, and my heart pounded hard in my chest, and my head thumped, thumped, and my stomach was in knots.

I was alone in the room. Kendall wasn't next to me, and Katie wasn't in Kendall's bed. I was pretty sure I'd just had a nightmare, but the memory of it faded quickly and I wasn't sure. I did know that my entire body was sore and on fire and I just wanted to go back to sleep. I coughed ,clearing my lungs of the mucus that had accumulated during my slumber. Kendall's head suddenly appeared through the crack of the door. "You okay?" he asked.

I laid back down, feeling quite sick, and said, "Yeah," but it sounded more like a squeak than an actual English word. I seriously hated myself for this, and quickly thought about how _much_ I hated myself for this. I didn't like getting sick to begin with, but getting sick the day Mr. Knight died was repulsive. I was literally disgusted with myself. As if these poor people didn't have enough to think about right? Now I (once again) added to their list of burdens.

Kendall opened the door and let himself in, laying on the bed, sideways, on his stomach, just trying to get close to me. He reached his hand towards my face and I couldn't help but flinch. He didn't seem to notice, and wiped the hair out of my eyes and kept his hand on my forehead. At this point, I couldn't deny that I was quite sick. I could feel my body burning and at the same time of wanting desperately to sleep, I was thankful Kendall was there.

"Oh my gosh," he said. "Logan, you're burning up. Like you're really burning up…" He jumped of the bed and rushed over to the door, opening it more. "Mom?" he yelled. "Can you come up here?"

He came back over to me, and put his hand back on my forehead, as if double-checking my body temperature. I closed my eyes and kept them that way. I was so exhausted and drained that I didn't care what went on around me; but the feeling of wanting to be left alone was increasing and I didn't want Mrs. Knight to come up here, and I wanted them to go mourn Mr. Knight and leave me to sleep.

Kendall kept mumbling to me, things like, "it's gonna be okay, Logie, okay? It'll be okay…oh, wow, you're really hot…"

I heard the door creak and then came Mrs. Knight's voice, "Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Mom," came Kendall's panicked voice, "he's burning up, he's _burning up. _What do we do?"

I felt a softer, cooler hand on my forehead and I moaned and swatted it away, rolling over to do my best to avoid this situation. I just wanted to sleep and I didn't understand how they weren't understanding that. I was deliberately rudely ignoring them.

"Are you okay baby? Oh my gosh…" she said, her voice sounding panicky, too. Their panicked tones should have worried me, but all I really wanted was to go back to sleep, so I didn't quite care about their panicky tones.

"Lemmme sleep," I squeaked, scooting closer to the wall, trying to get out of their reach.

"Kendall go get the thermometer in the kitchen okay? Get some water, too."

"Okay," I heard, and footsteps quickly faded as he exited the room, and I wished Mrs. Knight followed him and stayed down there with him.

"Logie turn and look at me." I ignored her. "Come on, now." Nothing. "Right now…" Nada. "I'm waiting…" So aren't I.

I obviously didn't move as she made these requests and Kendall came back in before she said anything else. Then, she spoke again. "Logan, come on, put this under your tongue, okay?"

I didn't move.

Mrs. Knight sighed loudly, knowing exactly what I was doing, knowing that I was coherent, just ignoring her. I felt like an even bigger asshole than I was. I put so much stress on this poor woman, yet, it was almost as if it were inevitable. I couldn't help it. My body did the exact opposite of what my brain instructed.

Then came Kendall's soft, compassionate voice. "Come on, Logie. …I'm scared for you…"

I used all my motivation to turn and look at them. My eyes burned upon opening them and my face felt hot. I saw two pairs of concerned eyes falling on me and I didn't exactly like it. A thermometer was placed under my tongue, by who, I do not know, and I held it in place with my teeth. I closed my eyes again, trying to signal to them that as soon as this 'adventure' was over, I was going right back to sleep.

I soon heard that godforsaken beep and felt the thermometer being removed from my mouth. I heard Mrs. Knight's gasp and slowly started to shut my brain down, preparing for the sleep that I was desperate for.

Mrs. Knight gasped and I forced my eyes open. "104.6," she said.

Kendall looked at her. "Should we bring him to the hospital…?"

"No," I said.

"You don't get a say," Mrs. Knight said firmly, then looked back at Kendall. "We'll check his temperature in an hour. If it hasn't improved then I'd say, yeah, he should go to the hospital."

Kendall nodded. He agreed. "Well, I'm gonna lay with him; you can go back downstairs if you want."

"Okay," she said, "Get him to drink some of that water, okay?"

"Okay." The bed sank as he laid down next to me, and I found myself being wrapped up protectively in his arms. He traced circles on my back, and he sang one of the songs that we wrote softly to me, and I couldn't help but fall asleep.

* * *

Note: Awh. Logie. Anyways. Mrs. Knight, ehh? She knew. All along. And Mr. Knight knew, too. What does this MEAN? Stay tuned. thanks for reading!(:


	18. Days 313 and 314

Thought: Thanks for the reviews guys, honestly, you leave me floored. I'm so afraid of disappointing you.

* * *

Day 314.

I woke up quite early on Day 314. I wasn't too sure what happened the previous night but I was still feeling hot and icky when I woke up. Kendall was next to me, but he was sprawled out, and I was halfway off the bed. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and went into the bathroom and peed for what felt like five minutes, and headed back to my room.

"Logan?" a small voice from behind me said.

I turned around to see Katie, whom I felt like I hadn't seen in forever. "Katie?" my voice didn't squeak, but it was quite pathetic. "Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?"

I didn't know if I was okay, so I did the only logical thing and acted like a four year old. "I asked you first."

"…I just…well, how do you lose someone?"

My heart sank. I sighed and sat on the floor, putting my back against the wall. I wondered what time it is for a moment, then in the next moment decided that I really didn't give a crap what time it was. I motioned for Katie to sit next to me, and I pulled her in my lap when she came near. I wasn't too good with comforting and stuff like that, but I was quite good at losing people.

I took a deep breath. "It's not easy," I said, "I know it's hard for you to lose your dad. You're gonna miss him every day of your life, and some days will be better than others."

"…but will I ever stop being sad?"

"Sure you will," I said. "You'll have days where you're really, really sad, days where you just miss him. Then, you'll have days where you're really, really happy, and you'll know that's all he's ever wanted for you. Was for you to be happy."

She stayed silent for a moment, then hesitantly asked, "is it really true he's never coming home?"

I nodded. "Unfortunately, it's true."

"I just don't see why, though." she wasn't crying yet, Katie, and I didn't think she would. She was a tough little cookie, even at her worst, and she hated crying or showing weakness.

"Katie in your life, people will come and go. Death is apart of life. Some people just can't be saved, even when the doctors try their hardest, because, your dad said, god wants them in heaven. Or he needs them in heaven. Or something like that, right? And just because he's not coming home doesn't mean you won't remember him, right?" she nodded. "And it doesn't mean that you don't love him, right? It definitely doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He loves you, and even though he's not physically here, he's in here." I poked her chest, right where her heart is. "And he'll help guide you all along the way."

"But why do people just die for no reason like he did?"

"Your dad had a heart attack. He just had so much love in his heart that it overloaded, and it stopped working right."

Katie smiled at that. "I think you're right," she said finally. Then, she turned her head to look at me. "Mom said you're really sick?"

I nodded, but I couldn't help but smile and think ,Oh Katie with all her questions… I said, "You know. It happens. But you know what you do? You hold your head up high and tell Kendall when something is really wrong. Because Kendall knows everything. Got it?"

She nodded vigorously.

"What time's it anyway?" I asked, finally caving through my curiosity.

Katie shrugged. "Maybe about 2:30 am-ish?"

"…so why are you up?"

"….I couldn't sleep. Mom just keeps crying. She just doesn't want us to know, but I know. I know she's sad, but why won't she talk to us about it?"

It hurt to swallow.

"She doesn't want to think about it, is all. It's really late, Katie. What's your mom gonna think if she wakes up and you're not next to her? She's going to feel lonely and worried."

Katie nodded. "Yeah. I suppose." She stood up and watched me stand up. She studied me intently. I smiled faintly and she turned and started to walk towards her room, where she and Mrs. Knight were sleeping that evening, and I proceeded to do the same. Suddenly, "Logan?"

I turned around. "Yeah?"

"I love you?" she definitely asked it.

I smiled. "I love you, Katie. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I went back to bed and, as usual shifted it when I got into it, and as usual, Kendall woke up. I felt like my life was becoming this big, giant cliché. The last time someone died, (two someones rather), I was sick, and now Mr. Knight was dead and I was sick. What the fuck was going on. Seriously, I thought I was losing my mind for a second.

"You okay, Logie?" said Kendall.

"Mhmm," I said.

"Lemme take your temperature."

I laughed. "Kendall, you're barely awake."

"You sound awful."

He tiredly lifted himself up and reached for the thermometer that sat next to the four water bottles on the end table. "Open," he mumbled. I side and did so.

His eyes were barely opened and it was rather amusing to watch him. I couldn't help but smile. He was so fucking cute I just wanted to kiss him for forever. When it beeped Kendall's half-opened eyes stared at it, clearly trying to set his vision and make out the numbers. "One oh four point seven, Logie," he said, "Ya ain't gettin' better."

"I'm okay," I told him.

"Don't lie to me, Logan," he said, "I'm too exhausted to fight with you. Tell me what's happening to you…"

I swallowed hard, but it hurt so badly. So I said, "my throat hurts."

He rubbed his head tiredly, letting his hair fall over his right eye. "Ya got strep Logie? Or, uh, what's it, tonsillectomy?"

I shook my head. "It'll be okay in the morning, okay?" I said.

He took in a deep breath. "What if-"

"Don't think 'what if.'," I said, "let's just go to sleep."

"Logan, buddy, I just don't think…one oh seven is really high…"

"But I'm okay. I just want to sleep, okay? I'll go no questions if I'm still sick in the morning."

He hesitated for a long time before nodding. "I'm not comfortable with this, just so you know. Something's wrong with you, and you know it."

"You're just paranoid."

"I'm paranoid? And who has to sleep with the door and windows locked?" he was smirking. I knew Kendall's sense of humor by now anyway. "You just…I just want you to trust me to fix this."

My heart pounded hard and I stared at Kendall, seeing him perfectly in the darkest of rooms. I knew what was wrong with me. I just didn't want to have to admit it because I was kind of scared of the thought. My tonsils needed to come out. But I didn't know why I had such a high temperature. It just wasn't exactly adding up which is why I was even more afraid to admit it.

"Kendall," I breathed my heart pounding, trying not to trip over saying this, "one oh seven is really high."

It was hard for me to admit when something was really wrong. I hated it, but at the same time, I knew I needed some help. I was so sick. Not only was my throat literally throbbing, my knees were achey, my wrists were cranky, and my heart felt like it was going to explode.

That's when the thought struck me. When I was a kid, like, four, or so, I got really sick, and grandma took me to the hospital. I'd acquired some rheumatic fever which gave me a high fever and swollen joints. My mind scrutinizingly scanned my brain searching for answers to the disease. After having the childhood disease, it was quite likely to have another spell like it before I was twenty or so. It's triggered by swollen tonsils, ex., strep throat, tonsillitis etc and causes high fever.

Kendall nodded, immediately understanding, and getting up, turning on a small lamp, protecting our eyes from painful lights.

He went over to the closet, pulling out shoes and slipping his feet into them. I slowly sat up, and Kendall knelt down, grasping my legs and easily slipping my shoes on my feet, then tightening them loosely, perfectly, upon tying them.

He collected the light blanket at the edge of his bed and said, "I'm gonna go tell Mom," he draped the blanket around my shoulders. "Sit here."

"No," I said, "what about Katie? Let's just wait till morning." I quickly remembered. Katie needed to sleep, poor thing. So didn't Mrs. Knight, too, apparently, and I didn't want to bother them. I could wait, I'd be okay.

"Oh my God, not this again," begged Kendall. "Logan, we can't just sit here while you're so sick anymore, okay?"

"Katie. Needs. To. Sleep."

"Logan-"

"She's really tired."

Kendall took in a deep breath. "Fine. We'll leave a note. Sweet Mother of Jesus Christ, son of the Almighty God, Logan, you better hope you're okay."

"Oh my god, just say 'damn'."

"Oh, hush. Why are you such a pain in my ass? Boy, you're high maintenance. Come on." I followed him downstairs and he hastily wrote a note; "call me. I'll explain. Don't worry too much. Love Kendall."

And I tiredly got in the passenger seat of the BMW, and I watched him drive and carefully and slowly talked about rheumatic fever. "…it can affect the heart valves," I remembered. "but don't fret, my heart's fine. I got you, remember? I'm sure I'm okay."

He clearly wasn't buying it because I put my head against the headrest and closed my eyes and heis speed increased and he put his hazards on the rest of the way to the hospital.

It was determined immediately to throw me into ICU till my fever went down and the test results came back. The only reason Kendall was allowed to go back with me was because the doctor in that unit was the same doctor that couldn't save Mr. Knight. Or, you know, me telling the doctor I'd carve his eyes out with scalpels if he didn't allow Kendall in the room with me might have had something to do with it.

I was in ICU for about three hours. Kendall and I amused ourselves with words and jokes like we usually did. An IV was feeding me water to keep me hydrated and morphine because of my throat, and they were afraid I'd need emergency surgery and wanted me to have some form of medication before anesthesia.

Kendall was clearly nervous. He even said, "the last time we left this place, we left one family member short." He compulsively bit at his lips and fingernails the entire time. Once he ran out of fingernails to bite on, he started to bite all the dead skin off of his fingers. His bottom lip bled twice and his hands felt rougher than ever before.

I told him to stop a few times, but after a while I realized it was useless. Kendall was compulsive.

"So," he said, "Got any other childhood illnesses we should know about?"

I took in a deep breath, trying to remember. "Um. Well, I had asthma. But I haven't had an attack since I was seven. I had chickenpox once. Strep throat a few times, including the one triggering this damn thing. Uh…I think that's it. I wasn't like, a pathetic kid or anything, I was tough. But I wasn't anything against my dad."

"I didn't exactly mean to imply that you weren't tough, Logie. With everything you've been through…honestly, you're the toughest person I know."

"Do you mean that?"

He nodded. "I don't know anybody as tough as you. You still stand strong every day, after everything. I don't know how you do it. I'm barely doing it now and this is one bad thing that's happened in my entire life, and you, you've had like, a million and things just go downhill and then back up and yet you melt me with that smile every day."

I smiled.

"Yeah," he said, "like that."

Kendall and I talked for a few more hours. The sun started to shine through the windows and the doctor came in with his manilla folder and clipboard; white jacket enticed and stethoscope in tact. "Your tonsils need to come out," he said firmly. "They're swollen, and open to infection, which worries me with this fever. Your medical records are vague, to say the least, but it appears as though you had spells of rheumatic fever in 1994, and again in 1999. We're going to continue the IV and antibiotics and when your fever's at a reasonable number we'll go right into surgery. Unless, of course, you start to have trouble breathing on your own. Naturally, your real guardian needs to be informed immediately." He glanced at Kendall.

"We'll call," I assured and clearly being done talking, left. And I looked at Kendall and said, "Yeah, we'll call. In two hours."

"That's a long time, doll."

"But they need rest first. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I understand, but you need surgery, do you understand?"

"Mhmm. And I really don't care about that, I care about Katie and Mom getting rest."

Kendall shook his head in obvious frustration and said, "I care about it because I care about you. They won't operate on you without parent consent, Logan, and I swear to God Himself I'll be damned if you're sitting here not being able to breathe, got it?"

I'd never heard him use that tone with me, he sounded so angry. But he also sounded sincere, and he sounded assertive, like this was a rule. Like he was in control. I loved that. I loved him for that.

I nodded.

He reached in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 7:13. Damn that was too early. I saw Katie at three in the morning! That wasn't enough sleep. I felt bad. I hated myself. Kendall was tired, and it was evident in his voice as he called Mrs. Knight on her cell phone.

"Mom? Yeah, it's Kendall. I-…well ,I look Logan to the hospital last night….he didn't want to wake you up. I just had to convince him to let me call you…he needs surgery…yeah….yeah…yeah…no…okay. Okay. I love you too, bye."

He looked at me. "She's on her way."

I shifted my eyes and said nothing.

When she got there, we all did nothing but wait for my fever to get to a 'reasonable number', which, was apparently 101.3, because that's what it was when they put me to sleep around one p.m. that day. They ripped my tonsils out and, BAM, I was, apparently supposed to be all better.

I couldn't feel any aches or pains at the time because of the drugs and I was feeling okay. I did throw up, though, which hurt my throat. It was the anesthesia. I slept most of the time though, and I encouraged Mrs. Knight to take Katie home because it was no use watching me sleep. I looked at Kendall, too, but he gave me that, don't-you-even-dare look. I knew he wouldn't leave. He was always there when I needed him.

I scooted as close to the IV as possible and told Kendall to cuddle with me, and when the nurse told me that it wasn't exactly tolerated for one's significant other to sleep in the same bed as the patient, I told her to go fuck herself and she left us alone about it and nobody else said anything either, that I knew of anyway. I was sleeping. A lot.

It hurt to talk but I did anyway. My voice sounded funny, but it was okay. There was one day Katie came to visit while Mrs. Knight had to run a church-related-emergency-errand and Katie said, "Mom talked about you guys in church today. Is everything okay?"

"I'll ask the questions around here, Katie," Kendall said firmly. "What'd she say?"

"She just said that you guys weren't here because Logan was sick. How he always finds a way to distract everyone from the bad things that happen in life. How she would never regret becoming a foster parent, yadda-yadda. I think she's afraid that now you're almost eighteen you're going to leave and she'll never see you like Simon and Jonathan."

"…I won't be eighteen for another year," I said, "A year and four months."

"But sixteen months in mom years is like two days."

"I think she's just thankful for him," Kendall said. "I know I sure am."

* * *

Note: Yeah, I've been having a tendency of leaving off in the wrong places w/ this story lately, so hopefully that wasn't as bad as i thought it was. thanks for reading.


	19. Days 317 through 331

Thought: I wanted to update last night, but like most other things, the internet hates me. Anyway. I was feeling a little Kogan-y. I want to interpret MORE now that things are calming down a bit. Well, I mean, after of course we get through Mr. Knight's sudden death, which, sadly, my characters can't magically get over, although it seems like that sometimes. I've known people who have died. My great-grandparents died recently. My dad had a few friends that died. When I was nine, I lost four friends in a house fire. One of them had been my BEST friend. and it's not easy for me to write about mourning. I was nine, and I don't even know how I felt. I was confused, you know? I still am. Why would a 9 year old, a ten year old, a nineteen year old and his pregnant seventeen year old girlfriend die in a fire? It just...I'm stunned by it still to this day.

Thanks for reading that, if you did. I ranted a bit. But now you know something about me.

* * *

Day 317.

What happened on Day 316 was a blur. I remember waking up and Kendall smiled. "Finally," he'd said. "I'm so fickled doesy hoogars."

I was pretty messed up and couldn't understand what he'd said. It took me a few minutes to wake up from sleeping all day. I blinked a few times as Kendall rambled on and on, words becoming more clear as he spoke. Finally I got a, "I'm going to call a doctor."

"No," I said quickly, but had to repeat it three times due to low strength in voice. "I'm okay. And don't give me that look."

"What look?"

"The one on your face."

"Which says what exactly?"

"The look that says, 'I swear to god if you scare me one more time I'll skin you.'"

He smirked. "Close. But I wouldn't skin you, I'd murder you." His smile slowly dropped and he looked at me in all seriousness again. "Logan…you slept all day yesterday and the doctors were really nervous for a second. Like, is everything okay, or are you just saying you're fine so we don't worry? You mind as well tell the truth because we're all going to worry, no matter what. That's what you do when you love someone, you worry that something bad will happen because you don't ever want to lose them. …I can't lose you, too, Logan."

And that's when Kendall started crying and so, naturally, I started crying. He quickly composed himself but I still lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Kendall tried calming me down, saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I tried to tell him it was okay, that it wasn't his fault but I literally had no use of my vocals at that moment. I felt bad because I wanted to tell him so badly, I didn't want him to feel bad. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. And killed me knowing that I couldn't.

My throat killed me all day, and obviously, since nothing never goes right, my fever rapidly came back and doctors were again - how did Kendall put it? - nervous. I was fucking nervous, okay? I didn't give a damn about the doctors or their nerves. What scared me was that I didn't know what was up. Despite all that, every time I opened my eyes, I saw Kendall's smile. He sat with me, day and night, night and day as days went by of me sitting in that hospital with nervous doctors.

On day 321, they decided to send me to the big children's hospital, because, you know, sixteen is considered a child. It was cool though, Kendall, Mrs. Knight and I got to fly in a helicopter. Katie had to stay with Granny because only two people were allowed in the helicopter with me. I imagine the helicopter ride would have been more fun if I didn't throw up three times, however it was still really cool to say I was in one. I wanted to drive one. Control it. Feel it.

And then that reminded me of Kendall. And I opened my eyes and there he was, smiling. Of course, this smile was sympathetic, and full of fear, but it was still a smile, and I still remember exactly how it made me feel, and exactly what it looked like, like I had with every single smile Kendall and given me over the past three hundred and twenty one days. I smiled back.

I was checked into the hospital where they immediately started with taking tests. There was an Oncologist who thought I had throat cancer for a few days. He ran a lot of tests. An Otolaryngologist argued with him that he was wrong. And then there was the resident doctor who thought I had just had pneumonia and the rest of the doctors were idiots.

Forty nine doctors became involved in this, and as it turned out, on Day 325, they all decided that the resident doctor, the newbie, was right all along, and half those tests didn't even matter because all I had besides pneumonia (you know, for about two weeks already!) was a small infection from surgery that would require one tsp of antibiotic a day for seven days. It was September first. Kendall's and I senior year was now one week away and Mrs. Knight still hadn't even finished with Mr. Knight's funeral arrangements, and it'd been thirteen days since his death when I went home from the hospital on Day 326.

James and Carlos came to visit that very day. They'd been calling and pestering, but the hospital was really far away, and Mrs. Knight didn't think it was a good idea, but when I got home, there they were, on the couch coloring with Katie and Granny. I was still really sick, I still felt like absolute shit, but now that they knew what was wrong with me, they could send me home with medicine and pray I was better shortly.

Granny offered to stay at the house for a little bit and Mrs. Knight gratefully accepted. Katie loved Granny and Granny loved taking care of things. While Mrs. Knight was busy with the funeral, the church and mourning, Granny stayed and took care of us and the house.

I mean, it's not like we were that hard to take care of. Kendall was seventeen, I was sixteen, and Katie was eleven. Kendall took care of me and himself, and Katie was easy to manage. Granny seemed to enjoy staying at the house with us though. She was super nice, Granny, and she always came upstairs to check on me all the time. Even when Kendall was with me.

But oh my god, I was so freaking sick. Every single part of me ached. The resident doctor, the one who had been right the entire time had a talk with me, one on one, one of the first days I got to the children's hospital. He'd said, "I believe that you have had pneumonia for quite some time now. Obviously, you had tonsillitis, but I honestly think that's completely irrelevant to what we have going on right now. Your history of rheumatic fever indicates the more serious the case is. You've been on an IV for days now. I think you need some antiviral medication, a few breathing treatments, and your fever will go down and you'll be back to normal in a week or so."

Of course, at the time, I couldn't register a thing he said. I had twenty doctors tell me twenty different things and my mind hurt from all their talking. Normally, I liked talking about doctor related stuff. It was interesting to me. But after listening to so many different idiots tell me a different story, it was hard to decipher which one was the correct one.

Anyway, we went upstairs on Day 326 and I settled in my bed, resting my head on a pile of pillows and watching my friends talk. I was too tired to talk and I liked just listening. I'd missed them and hearing them and seeing them was enough for me.

They talked about hockey and girls and pizza and parties and school starting. Every so often they would look at me and ask me questions, but I didn't want to talk because of the pain in my throat so I always just nodded or shook my head.

"You should get some sleep," James suggested. "You're looking…dreadful."

I shook my head again, and glanced at Kendall, then to his spot on my bed, and closed my eyes and opened them slowly. I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. It'd been too long since I'd spent time with my friends. Besides. I didn't want to fall asleep without Kendall wrapped around me, again.

Kendall was watching me carefully, clearly scrutinizing my every move. It made me happy to think that he cared so much. It was relieving. My mind was screaming: finally, someone. I couldn't have been happier with who that someone was. Kendall made everything better for me, always, regardless. We could fight and he'd still be the only thing that could make me happy. I'd do anything for Kendall, whenever, wherever, no matter what the circumstance.

And watching him then made me know that was likewise.

"You sure you're okay?" Kendall asked.

I nodded. I was okay. I was feeling like crud, but I was okay.

Kendall suddenly kicked off his shoes and crawled into his spot on my bed. I couldn't help but smile, but then I remembered that James and Carlos didn't know. And I gave him the look that said, 'what are you doing?' and he just winked.

"I don't like girls," said Kendall. "I only like Logan."

My heart hurt in my chest. I didn't know what to think of this. I didn't know how James and Carlos were going to react. But it definitely shocked me.

"Well…duh," said Carlos.

"What?" said Kendall.

"He said, 'well, duh'," said James with a smirk. "Kendall, we've known you for thirteen years. We know how you operate. And we know when you've got a crush on someone."

"…how do you figure?"

"You're eyes light up," said Carlos, "whenever you see him or whenever you talk about him, or whenever his name is mentioned. You two have some secret little music thing that goes on between you, and I can definitely sense some secrets."

"Who are you, That's so Raven? You -"

"Kendall," said Carlos, "Don't get so worked up. You just told us anyway, so what does it matter that we knew?"

"That's not the point. How long have you known?"

"…you know, since the day you introduced us."

I looked at Kendall and wondered if he really had liked me since the day he met me. That was almost a year ago. Kendall looked from Carlos to James to Carlos to James to me. And I saw it, too. His eyes. I thought I melted.

"I…just want you to be mine…" he whispered softly to me.

My voice was nearly inaudible, "I am yours."

-

Night 329 was Mr. Knight's wake, which I was still too sick to go to, but Day 330 was the day of Mr. Knight's funeral, and Day 331 was the first day of school and Kendall and I hadn't even gone shopping for pens and clothes. I wasn't going to miss the funeral, especially when Kendall told me he needed me there.

It was warm outside anyway, and I was one of the carriers. I certainly couldn't make Kendall do it alone. He stood right behind me and sat right beside me through the ceremony. It was my turn to scrutinize him and I was worried about him, because when you love someone, you worry about them. According to Kendall, and to me, Kendall was always right.

Mrs. Knight wanted to be alone after the funeral, so Granny took Katie, Kendall and I school clothes shopping, because school was tomorrow.

I discovered my hatred for shopping on this trip, and I also discovered my hatred for shopping with Kendall. Oh my gracious, that boy loved clothes. I was a-ok with jeans and a t-shirts from a Wal-Mart but Kendall wouldn't hear it at all. He picked out all my clothes for a few reasons: 1). I did not care what I wore. 2). Kendall did care what I wore. 3). I was too sick and tired to care. 4). I just wanted to sleep. 5). I loved Kendall and Kendall loved clothes. (and honestly, I have never picked out any clothes for myself since then.)

So, Kendall picked out a ton of clothes for himself, a ton of clothes for me. Katie got her own clothes and Granny helped her, although trying not to stray so far from Kendall and I because she kept saying, "Oh, Logan, you poor thing, you need some rest…" and "Don't drop dead on me, Logan." and "Kendall, put your tongue in your mouth." But we still had to go get shoes, and notebooks and pencils and by the time we were done with the shopping, it was five and Kendall was 'starving.'

All day, I saw his depression. But when he looked at me his eyes lit up. Every time.

And when we laid in bed that night, Kendall cried almost all night. I couldn't fall asleep knowing he was upset, so I stayed up with him and tried to comfort him. "It'll be okay," I said in my hoarse, raspy voice. It was better, though, and it didn't hurt to talk anymore.

"It's just hard to believe…"

"…I know."

"I miss him."

"I know."

He sighed.

"…it'll be okay, you know. You know that."

He nodded. "Yeah, yeah, time heals everything. But there just hasn't been enough time yet."

"I'd think you were nutso if you said otherwise. It hurts now, yeah. That's your dad. At the end of every day, he's still your dad."

"…you thinking about your dad?"

"…I wasn't. I am now, though."

"Can you talk about him?"

"…do you think it'll help?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I just want you to talk about him. How you feel about him."

"Why?"

"Because at the end of every day, he's still your dad."

I took in a deep breath and sighed. Touché, Kendall. "Okay," I said. "…how I feel about him? I feel like he's the biggest jerk on the planet. I feel like he should never have had kids. He was mean and cruel and the most vicious person I've ever met. But I still love him."

"He hit you every day, huh?"

I nodded.

"He called you names all the time, huh?"

I nodded again.

"Why do you still love him?"

"…because he took care of me. He was there when I had nobody. Not there in good ways, exactly, but he was there. And besides Noah, he was all I had till I met you."

"Do you love me?"

I couldn't help but smile at him. "Of course I love you. I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. You're all I have, Kendall. You're the only thing that makes me happy in this whole world, you mean everything to me. Nothing has ever mattered till I met you."

He started to giggle. "I can't wait for your voice to return to normal. I miss it. You're still cute, though."

"Kendall," I said, "I just confessed my love for you and -"

"I wasn't finished. You're still cute. You're the sweetest person I've ever met. You changed me the minute I saw you, because I knew I had to be everything to you. I wasn't sure why or how at the time, but you trusted me. It was like you knew the whole time. You are the reckless, and crazy, and you don't care what other people think, unless I do. You are the messiest,(1) loudest,(2) scariest(3)…best thing that has ever happened to me. I could spend the rest of my life with you, with you being mine, forever and ever because everything you do is right and is brilliant to me and you're so perfect to me. You're perfect for me. You make everything better. You make me smile when I'm crying. You're the bravest, strongest, toughest person I know and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. You're the most amazing person I know."

And we spent what felt like ten minutes telling each other everything we loved about each other. I was glad I'd weened my way out of talking about dads. It wasn't something either of us needed.

Before I knew it, the alarm clock was going off. Neither Kendall nor myself had slept.

Mrs. Knight came in after not having been seen by any of us kids since yesterday morning, and she took one look at me and said, "You're not going."

"Oh, yes I am," I shot.

"Oh, no, you're not," she said firmly. "You're disgustingly pale. Maybe you should go back to the hospital…"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'm fine and I'm not missing my first day as a senior."

"Sweetie-"

"Please don't make me stay home."

"Logan, I have to go to the church today and Granny has an eye doctor's appointment at eleven, so when the nurse calls nobody will be here."

"The nurse won't call you because I'm not sick."

"I'm getting the thermometer." and she left the room.

Kendall smiled at me. "You do look sick, baby."

"I am sick," I reminded him. "But I'm fine and I'm not missing today. Would you want to miss your first day as a senior? No, didn't think so."

"But if you're sick-"

"I'm going to school regardless what that thermometer says."

"You're being difficult."

"Shit happens."

He took in a deep breath and Mrs. Knight came back in, waving the thermometer. "Open your mouth, and hold this under your tongue," she ordered.

I did as directed and we all waited in patient silence for the results.

"One oh one," she declared. "You're still sick."

"Oh, come on, that's nothing."

"It's something."

"…my average body temperature is one oh one," I tried.

"I'm not falling for that."

"Karen, please, please, please don't make me miss my first day! I'm finally a senior, and you want me to miss that?"

"You're a senior all year, Logan and I don't want you to get worse. School means other children and other children have germs. Do you want germs?"

"…what am I? five?" I asked.

"You're acting like it!"

"I'm not! What five year old wants to go to school?"

"Mom," Kendall said speaking up for the first time in this conversation, "I want you to know that I agree with you and think that Logan should stay home. However, I want Logan happy, and I trust that he knows his own limits. I'll be with him all day. Let him go."

And when she knew she was outnumbered, Mrs. Knight backed down and said I could go.

Kendall picked out my outfit and we matched. We weren't wearing the same things, but our outfits 'flowed' together, as Kendall said.

Kendall and I had classes together all day, and I was fine, like I'd said, and when we got home, Mrs. Knight wasn't home yet and Katie didn't get home for another hour. Granny was no where to be seen either.

Kendall and I took a nap on the couch because we were both so tired and we woke up to Katie going, "Kendall. Logan. Kendalllllllllllllllll. Logannnnnnnnnnnnnn."

"What?" Kendall said sounding aggravated.

"Do you want to go for a walk with Sirius, Granny and I?"

"Nooo, Katie," Kendall groaned, "Logan's sick. We're sleeping. Go without us."

"Are you sure? It's extremely lovely outsid-"

"YES, Katie, I'm sure," said Kendall, annoyed. "We. Are. Sleeping."

It'd been a long day, and a long night, and I understood his frustration.

When they had clearly left I said, "Kendall, let's go upstairs."

"…mrrgffgg, baby, I'm sleeping."

"Let's sleep upstairs. I'm not comfy."

He sighed loudly and we stood up and he grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. He closed the blinds and the room darkened. I locked the door and the windows were already locked. I kicked my shoes off and so did he, and we stripped our new school clothes off and put our pajamas on and we crawled into my bed.

Kendall engulfed me like he had for the past one hundred and ninety nine nights. "Are ya comfy now, Logie?"

"Mhmm," I said, feeling excellent. "You comfier?"

"Mhmm. Sure things."

I giggle. "I love you, Kendall."

"I love you, Logan."

* * *

Note: Hm. Not sure how I feel about this. feeeeeeeeeeeeel free to leave your opinions! if the site isn't working, which we all know it hasn't been up to par lately, come back and tell me! I'm a, -coughcough- attention whore -coughcough- ahem. Yes. So please, leave a review and tell me what you thought. you honestly make/save my life. Thanks for reading(:

* * *

1. Messiest - Kendall means this as in Logan is a walking mess. He's just all over the place.  
2. Loudest - Kendall has never met someone like Logan, who freely speaks his mind.  
3. Scariest - Logan is not scary. But the thought of being in love is scary. And Logan is Kendall's walking love.


	20. Days 331 through 336

Thought: Have I mentioned how much I love you guys? every review, favorite, alert...i'm still a bit overwhelmed. It's a bit scary to think that so many people are reading this lol. But I'm SO glad you are. YOU are my favorite thing that has ever happened to me. you have no idea how much you mean to me.

* * *

Day 331 (con't)

I heard the door click and clack and I wasn't sure what time it was, or what day it was, and I heard Mrs. Knight's voice. "Kendall? Logan?"

I was still so tired though, and it seemed like it wasn't too long ago Katie had woken Kendall and I up. The knob still clicked as it hit against the lock. She knocked. I was immediately annoyed and I groaned. Kendall did too.

"We're sleeping!" He shouted loudly.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"GO AWAY."

"Kendall…"

"Please."

"You're not joining Katie, Granny and I for dinner then?"

"Mom. We're. Sleeping. We didn't sleep all night."

"Why? Is everythin-"

"STILL SLEEPING."

"Okay, okay."

Then, Kendall and I fell asleep again till the alarm clock woke us up to get ready for school. After sleeping so much, we were still tired and grumpy. Neither of us ate breakfast, but Kendall had an apple at school and immediately turned into his go-lucky self.

Carlos and James found us in the cafeteria the morning of Day 332, our second day of school. Carlos said, "Fancy meeting you here," in a British accent, prompting James to give out a, "Top o' the mornin' to ya," in an Irish accent. This, apparently, humored them.

Kendall found it rather enjoyable as well.

I, however, was not amused.

"Shut up." I said.

"Whoa, what bit you?" asked James.

"Logie's grumpy," Kendall explained.

"Clearly," said Carlos. "Whatsa matter, Logie? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

When I didn't respond, Kendall said, "There's no room on the other side of the bed. That's where I sleep."

Carlos and James laughed.

"Stop," I whined, "I'm tired!"

"You still sick?" James asked, "Maybe you should go home and sleep."

Kendall's head cocked to the side as he studied me. "Are you still sick, Logan?"

"No, no, Madam Pomfrey visited me last night and magically made me better."

"Who the hell is Madam Pomfrey," said Carlos, "and why the hell is she visiting at night?"

"…Madam Pomfrey is a fictional character in the Harry Potter novels. She's basically the school nurse."

"…why would she be visiting you?"

"Fictional as in fake, aardvark."

"So, she didn't visit you, then?"

"Carlos!" Kendall said, sensing my frustration. "He was kidding. Nobody visited. He's still sick. He's just being a grump, and probably should have stayed home but is too stubborn."

"I'm not stubborn," I defended.

"You're stubborn, and you know it."

I looked at him.

"Don't look at me like that."

I dropped my look and he smirked. "You're cute. But, still, stubborn. And you are still sick, and you are being grumpy, and don't argue with me, because I can go all day and you'll ultimately lose."

"…I won't lose because I'm so stubborn, remember?"

"Logan."

"Sorry," I said, giving up. "I don't mean to be a grump, I'm just tired."

"Aw, it's okay," said Kendall lovingly. Carlos stuck his tongue out and James whipped out his mirror and started to study himself in the mirror, clearly checking his hair and complexion multiple times.

The first bell rang and Kendall and I started to walk towards our first class which was English. Kendall sat two rows over because we were in alphabetical order, but I decided I wanted to sit next to him, so I did, and I told the girl who was supposed to sit next to him to go sit in my seat.

It took our old geezer of a teacher half the class to notice I wasn't sitting where I was supposed to and when she asked me to move I said, "What's the point? I've been sitting here all class and I wasn't bothering anybody."

"I just asked you to move, Logan, don't make me ask you again."

"I'm not hurting anybody by sitting here!" I informed.

Kendall looked at me, bug-eyed and shook his head. "Knock it off," mumbled.

I loved Kendall, but I wasn't the type of person to actually acquiesce a request that was mandatory to incline. "This is 12th grade, here, folks!" The teacher ranted, now, "And we will obey our teachers, because like it or not, they are authority. You can't act like this in the real world, your boss will just throw you out. They won't baby you. So, Logan, I repeat, please move you seat."

"I just want to know why."

"…because. I. Said. So."

"I just don't understand why you asked, though. What is the point of me moving from this seat, when I've been here all class, not bothering anybody, and you not caring? Why is it that you suddenly care? Like you said, this is 12th grade, and teachers shouldn't get so bent out of shape about where we sit. We're practically adults, and we should be treated like it."

"If you want to be treated like an adult, you should act like one. You are insubordinate and out of line, and an adult would do what is asked of them."

"An adult would stand up for what they believe in."

"And do you believe that by sitting in that seat, then you will better understand English? Because from what I can tell, Logan, English is not your strong suit."

"No. I believe that by sitting near my friends I'll understand a better way to block your voice out of my head."

"It's the FIRST day of this class, Mr. Mitchell! In all my years of teaching, I've never said this on the first day, but go to A3."

I rolled my eyes, wanting A3, in a weird way. I wasn't exactly feeling this new English teacher this year. She was insane and abnormal. The way she dressed, the way she acted, and the way she presented herself just irked me and I was already grumpy. I didn't care what day of school it was, I was fine where I was and I shouldn't have been disturbed. I had a solid case, I thought.

Ms. Lopez, the receptionist in A3, who I learned the passed summer was Carlos's aunt, greeted me. "Oh, Logan," she said, "Why am I seeing you this soon?"

"You know the drill," I said casually.

"Are you ever going to learn how to control your mouth?"

I shook my head. "Probably not. That's just my personality."

"Change is good for people. I know you've seen that over the years. How's everybody coping at home?"

"…we're making it. Mr. Knight was hardly ever home to begin with. Sometimes it's just hard to think that anything has changed."

She took in a deep breath. "And then he doesn't come home?"

"…exactly."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I don't know what is, but I don't think that's it."

Then, the door opened and there stood Mr. Grimes, the dean of the school. He looked surprised to see me. "Logan. You okay?"

"Ms. Bual sent me down. I'm insubordinate."

"Still?"

I nodded. "Apparently so. I don't see why teachers give assigned seats anyway. I just wanted to sit next to Kendall."

"Come in," he opened the door and I took a few steps into it. His office was just as I remembered it, messy and unsorted. His diploma proudly sat on the wall, and his degrees along with it. A picture of his wife and kids on his desk, and a computer that showed a list of grades.

"What happened?"

"Well, I sat next to Kendall all class and Ms. Bual flipped out and told me to move and I refused, basically. But, to defend my case, I sat there all class and she didn't say a word. Nobody distracted, and nobody minded."

"Were you talking?"

"No! We didn't talk at all. We were both paying attention and doing what we were told as she ran her mouth about stupid stories of the past like all these teachers do, like we actually care. At random, she told me to move and I said I wasn't hurting anybody, she ranted on about how I'm in twelfth grade and should act like an adult if I wanted to be treated like one."

"And what you say to that?"

"I said adults stand up for what they believe in."

"Do you believe in that? Or do you think that adults do what they have to do in order to be successful?"

"That's not way I'm here. Nor am I here to create nostalgia by reminiscing about the 'fun' times. Just punish me, keep me here till the bell rings, and we'll call it a day."

He took in a deep breath. "Does this attitude have anything to do with Mr. Knight? You were doing great towards the end of last year and now you're back to square one."

"I'm not back at square one."

"Look around. This is square one."

"…So you're saying I'm not getting anywhere?"

"I'm saying you're not trying. I'm saying you're not moving forward. I'm saying you're stuck." He took in a deep breath. "I know you've been stressed out lately. Mr. Knight's death was less than a month ago, and you've been in the hospital and then school."

"I don't even think about that," I said honestly. "I think about how Kendall and Katie and Mrs. Knight are dealing with losing him, and then me having to be in the hospital. I know Kendall goes nuts. He worries too much. I know Katie's confused about everything that goes on, she doesn't understand why things happen the way they do. And Mama Knight…she just worries all the time about us, and then she worries about the church and…sometimes we don't see her. Like she's not around and we don't know where she is."

"She's probably trying to deal with this the best she can. It's traumatizing, losing someone."

"…I've lost a lot of people in my life. I know I haven't known Mr. Knight as long as the family, but why's it so different for me? I don't feel traumatized by it."

"Because you've lost a lot of people in your life."

"…like, I'm immune to loss? I don't believe that for a second, because if I ever lost Kendall I swear…this isn't what I'm here to talk about. Stop changing the subject. I refused to move my seat. I think Ms. Bual is expecting you to punish me."

"…I don't believe you deserve to be punished. I think you should be allowed to sit next to Kendall, and I'll personally talk to Ms. Bual about this"

"You're playing favorites," I accused.

"I always do. I play favorites to those who I think need it the most. Logan, I feel like we're back on square one. I think you need it the most."

When I saw Kendall again, he told me he was worried about me and that he wished I would do as I was told.

"I can't just give in," I explained.

"I'm not asking you to give in. I'm asking you to have respect for your teachers."

"Why should it matter?"

"Because you'll never learn if you don't try. I know you're like, really super smart already, but, I mean, do you want to be the bad kid all year?"

I shook my head.

"Okay, then. Use that brain of yours and just behave. Everything will go much more smoothly."

* * *

Days went by, and Saturday, Day 336, Kendall said, "I'm going to the rink today. Are you coming?"

"…why are you going to the rink?"

"Because I love hockey."

I stared at him from my bed and blinked blankly.

"…play with me."

I shook my head. "I can't do that, Kendall…"

"You can, though. I know you know how to play. I know you can play. I want you to play with me. Or at least tell me why you think you can't play."

I took in a deep breath. "I was ten," I said. "I played hockey all the time. I played on ice, on blades, on the floor, I didn't care. I played like it was nobody's business. My dad taught me. That was his dream. He wanted to be a professional hockey player. When he couldn't, he wanted me to be a professional hockey player. I don't want his dream. I don't want to be like him."

"But that doesn't explain why you refuse to play. You playing doesn't mean it's your dream. I know you know that."

"…I fell through the ice. -"

"You can't fall through an ice rink, though."

"I know. But that doesn't change it…I just can't play, Kendall. You always make things seem more simple than they really are."

"No, you always make things more complicated than they really are."

"Why do you always pressure me?" I asked, a little frustrated. "I just don't want to do it."

"I just want you to play with me," Kendall said, his tone the tone of a disappointed child. The tone you use when you realize your parent is never coming back.

I sighed and looked at him. "Kendall. It scares me."

He shrugged one shoulder. "But I'm there."

"But you weren't when I fell." Boy, I was lucky this excuse was falling together nicely. I didn't want to play hockey because I felt by doing that, I was doing what my father wanted. I'd spent the past few years of my life doing the exact opposite of everything my father wanted for me. I absolutely did not plan on playing hockey ever again. I knew Kendall wouldn't give up ,and I'd play eventually. But now wasn't the time.

"Well, no, but, look. Ta-da, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, and I sure as hell am not letting you fall through ice. You know, at the rink. Where it's impossible to fall through."

"You don't get it. You won't get it. Just, please, trust me on this. You go to the rink, I'll go to the library. Just pick me up when you're done, okay?"

Kendall sighed, but nodded. "Okay…are you sure? - okay."

James and Carlos were in the living room when Kendall and I went downstairs. "Ya ready yet, Princess?" James asked.

Kendall rolled his eyes, and Carlos excitedly asked, "Ya coming, Logie?"

I shook my head softly, and said, "Nah. I'm just going to the library."

James nodded, "Alright, I'll drop you off. It's right on the way."

I glanced at Kendall and said, "…well…"

"You're not still scared, are you?" James accused in a harsh tone. I wasn't liking the tones everybody was using with me that day.

My heart twitched in my chest as the words hit like bullets. Fuck yeah, I was still scared. I was terrified of the idea of getting in any car, let alone James driving. I had just started driving with Mrs. Knight, and even that made me nauseas to think about. The car accident had been traumatizing for me. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to drive a car again.

"Well, I just prefer if Kendall drove, is all…" I said, my voice low.

"Come on, what's the difference? My dad finally let me drive the Porsche, Logan, the Porsche. Not to let it sit in Kendall's driveway!"

"James, stop," said Kendall, keep his voice low, as if yelling at a misbehaved child in a restaurant. Everyone around can still hear what they're saying, even though it's clear they're only talking to that one person. "If you almost die in a car accident, you tell me who you're comfortable driving with, okay?" His voice then retuned to normal as he said, "It's fine. I'll bring Logan to the library in Vinny and meet you at the rink."

"Okay," said James, agreeing. "You coming with me, Carlitos?"

"HELL YEAH I'M RIDING IN THE PORSCHE!" Carlos responded, and he quickly jetted outside and admired the beautiful car. We followed. Kendall and I stared in awe as James sped off in the Porsche, Kendall clearly wishing he was in it, me wishing I'd never seen it. We got in the BMW Kendall called Vinny, buckled up, and Kendall dropped me off at the library, which was where I stayed for three and a half hours just purely studying. I was pretty good in school, tooting my own horn here, and I honestly thought I had a shot at becoming a doctor, so I sat in the library studying all things about doctors and medical stuff that all doctors need to know, retaining information like an elephant.

The library actually closed before Kendall came to pick me up, and I was waiting on the front steps for him when I saw the black BMW and it's tinted windows and black rims pull up. I got up and got in, and we didn't look at each other or exchange any words as Kendall immediately sped off, giving me no time to buckle or anything.

I put my books on the floor, and hastily reached for the seatbelt. "Kendall," I mumbled, the plastic belt cold in my trembling hands as I struggled to unlock it. "Is everything okay?"

"Just buckle up already, Logan," said Kendall, clearly angry.

"I can't, it's stuck., please, stop. You're driving really fast…"

"I'm not! I'm doing the speed limit! See! Stop being such a scaredy cat."

"Are you kidding? Just pull over, please, please, this buckle is stuck - it's stuck Kendall!"

"Because you're panicking and can't get it! JUST CALM DOWN."

"You're the one who's over there freaking the fuck out!" I informed. "Please just stop! Stop, stop, stop!"

He viciously growled, put his hazards on and pulled over to the shoulder, hitting the brakes hard, roughly throwing me forward. "What's your problem?" he yelled.

"Me?" I said, "What's your problem?"

"You're my problem. James was right, you're just scared of everything."

My heart sank into my stomach and I really thought I was going to throw up. What was making Kendall say this? If you told me on Day 1 that Kendall would be mean to me on Day 336, I wouldn't believe you. Even hearing him, with that attitude, that tone, and the way he was looking at me, I still couldn't believe it.

I didn't let the tears fill my eyes, even though they wanted to. I didn't want him to think I was a bitch, too. Clearly he thought I was a scaredy cat, and clearly, so did James, which didn't exactly surprise me.

He stared straight, not looking at me. I didn't exactly know what to do, but for the first time since I met him, I didn't want to be near Kendall.

I let go of the seat belt, opened the door, grabbed my books on the floor, got out and started walking towards home.

I heard Kendall's door open and heard him shout, "Logan! Where are you going?"

I turned around. "Fuck you, Kendall, okay? You don't know what I think whenever I get in a car, okay? You don't know what I think every time I walk past a jail. You don't know! You don't know what I think whenever I see a father and his son, or a mother and her son, a big brother and his little sibling. You have no idea what I go through every fucking day, loving you and I still think about what he did to me. You know what he did, Kendall. But you certainly don't know it all. You know what I think after that? I still love him. How do I love someone I'm should be hating? Hmm? Can you answer that? Because I'm kind of hating you, right now, Kendall, yet, I still fucking love you. You know my brain is tapped, okay? I think differently than you do. Everybody has their problems and I don't know why you're all of a sudden being a douche bag, but you just fucking…" my voice got very loud, "killed me, man."

Kendall hesitated, clearly sucking it all in. but he waited too long. I didn't say it aloud, nor would I ever, but my feelings were hurt. I'd heard horrible things. I'd been called horrible things, and I've had horrible things done to me. But Kendall telling me I was his problem was the most horrible thing ever. It literally crushed me. He was literally all I had.

I turned around and started walking again, and this time, I didn't hear him shout my name this time. I honestly believed we were done. I figured this was it. I was going to drive myself mad, living there for a week without Kendall so badly that I'd run away, and end up in foster home number fourteen. That was it. I was no longer part of the Knight family. I ripped it apart five times over and now I was leaving it because I wasn't good enough for Kendall.

I had it all planned in my head. I'd lasted almost a year in the Knight household, and I was almost seventeen. If I managed to last a whole year in another home, then I'd be a-ok to live in at the University till I successfully made it as a doctor and could focus on my career, saving people and curing cancer till I gave up on love, married a woman and had a smart, perfect kid who had a happy life and was never hurt or abused and was always happy. Then, I'd die a great-grandpa, hopefully one who had written several novels and won a few Nobel Peace Prizes. It'd be good.

Or, even easier, I could kill my self and just skip to the end.

Those were my options. And as I walked further and further down the street, without hearing Kendall shout my name, the latter was looking much more likely.

When I'd finally lost all hope, I decided I wasn't even going to go home that night. I decided I was going to sleep at the cemetery with Mr. Knight. Just as I was about to turn down the road that lead to the cemetery, I heard footsteps close behind me.

I turned, assuming I was about to be facing a stranger, but there I was face to face with Kendall. Always my Knight. He was so close I could feel him breathing, and he was breathing hard, clearly having ran to catch up to me. "Logan," he breathed.

Impulsively, I leaned in and kissed him.

Instinctively, I smiled when he kissed me back.

Incredibly, I forgot we ever even had an argument.

He pulled away, keeping his face close, and I still felt him breathing, even more out of breath now. I could see him out of the corner of my eye.

"I don't think," said Kendall. "I told you the first day I met you my friends and I were offensive."

"That was before I loved you," I said firmly, stepping back to look at him directly in the eyes. "I know you don't think, Kendall, but that can't be your excuse. You just need to talk to me when you're mad about something. I would have walked to the library, no problem, if you wanted to ride in the Porsche that badly. But I am a scaredy cat and I'm not afraid to admit it. But that doesn't mean I need you and your friends talking about it and reminding me every second. I know, okay? I'm aware."

He took in a deep breath, and I heard the air enter his lungs. "I'm sorry. I really am sorry. James just made me really jealous of that Porsche…and his dad. It wasn't on purpose or anything, but I know, it's no excuse, and you've been living with it forever, but it only just happened. And I know I didn't see him a lot, or get along with him often, but he was still my dad. And I was just angry that he died. And I took it out on you and I'm sorry for saying what I said."

Relief filled my body and it felt good. It felt good to have that relief. To have been loved, hurt, and loved again by the same person in one day was an experience you learn from. We both learned from it. We take it as it is and we move on from it.

Kendall carried my books back to the car, and we linked arms as we walked back to the BMW. "I'll talk to James," he assured. "Let's just go home and cuddle."

I laughed. "You read my mind."

* * *

Note: The ending was wishy-washy and rather pointless, HOWEVER. I thought it was adorable and necessary. So I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. (:


	21. Days 337 through 365

Thoughts: This is the final chapter of Days Go By. Many days have gone by and trust me when I say I cry every time i look at the feedback for this story. You have blown me away time and time again with your responses and I am completely and utterly grateful for every review, alert and favorite I have gotten. I'm sorry this story has to end. But, there WILL be a one-shot (MAYBE more) sequel for Logan's visit w/ his father. Please enjoy the final chapter.

* * *

We spent the morning of Day 337 in Church, and Mrs. Knight, once again, did a fabulous job preaching. She was much more interesting than Mr. Knight had been, although I felt bad thinking that. It'd been twenty four days since his death, and Kendall was no longer crying himself to sleep every night. It was about five times a week, but, I understood. You don't get over death over night, even though sometimes it seemed like Mrs. Knight had. But I knew that she was just hiding her feelings from us. She wanted to be 'strong' for us, but we were strong for ourselves. I wanted her to be strong for herself, too.

School was a good distraction, too. It's not like Mr. Knight was _involved_ with our schoolwork. Mrs. Knight was like the hockey mom, and Mr. Knight was a workaholic. School and homework kept our minds off of Mr. Knight. Music did, too. Kendall would bring Selena up to the loft and I'd attempt to play the red piano (Kendall _still_ called it Kimberly).

Katie became much more attached to Sirius. She didn't like to be without him for more than too long. He slept in her room with her, and he was her most loyal friend. He was great for her to have around.

Out of all the friends Kendall introduced me to, Carlos was the most athletic. He _loved_ sports, that boy. He participated in almost everything, except wrestling, because, apparently, the _only_ person he wrestled with was James. James had been a lot more nice to me lately, by the way.

Anyway, Days went by. It wasn't anything new. It wasn't surprising, it wasn't shocking, it was predictable. Life went by for us, despite it suddenly halting for Mr. Knight, for Kendall's father, and for the man who preached and inspired so many. I felt bad for living when he couldn't, but at the same time, he _was_ always saying, "God knows what he's doing."

In the days that went by, things eased up a lot better. Mama Knight was spending a lot more time with her mother, which made her very happy. She and Granny had been very close once upon a time, apparently, and something happened, and things were rocky, but now they were like best friends. Mrs. Knight was constantly making sure us kids were okay. The death of a parent is traumatizing for anyone at any age and she didn't want anyone to lose their cool. She wanted everyone to progress away from the loss, having become stronger people from it.

There was one night where Kendall asked, "Do you think he knew? Like…do you think he knew when he was going to die?"

I didn't know, but instead of admitting that, I asked, "Do you know when you're going to die?"

"…no."

I nodded. "Then you know."

There was another time where I woke up and Kendall was just staring at me. "I couldn't sleep," he explained immediately. "I thought if I stared at you hard enough, you'd wake up. It worked."

Knowing Kendall at this point, I blinked tiredly and asked, "Why couldn't you sleep Kendall?" for about the 50th time since Mr. Knight had died, knowing that it was exactly what Kendall wanted me to ask.

As predicted, he said, "I was just thinking."

As usual, I responded with, "About what?"

"You know, if Dad can really see us, or hear us. Like, if that's true."

I didn't know, but instead of admitting that, I asked, "Do you think it's true?"

"…I don't know."

"Then you don't, Kendall."

There was one time Kendall and I were in the loft, and he was sitting on the ground as I was playing the piano, or attempting to. No pinky yet, but I could sense a break through with physical therapy soon. I hoped.

"Do you think there's really a heaven? …like, we really can't be accepted in if we're gay?"

I bit my lip. I was sick of not knowing. At the same time, I wasn't entirely sure if I believed in god, but I did have my questions about him now that I was introduced to him thoroughly. I didn't want to disappoint Kendall, so I came up with the most simple, brilliant answer I could, "You always say God's apart of your family, right? Well, family never turns their back on each other, right?"

Kendall smiled and picked up Selena, joining me in our jam.

One day, Carlos and James came over. We were in the loft, and we'd bolted Kendall's bike upside down from the ceiling. The tires didn't touch the roof; the bike was in midair, hanging from a medal bar. Kendall grabbed the handlebars, jumped upside down, and started pedaling the bike furiously.

Naturally, the bolt didn't hold up and Kendall plummeted to the ground, right in front of our eyes. We all burst out laughing, even Kendall, as he shoved the bike off of himself and jumped up, rubbing his back. "Holy shit. Bolt that thing back up there and try that!"

So, they all took their turns. James plummeted to the ground as well, relatively quickly. Carlos was at it for two minutes before he took his spill, but I held the longest time at three minutes, thirteen seconds. We had a blast doing that, though.

We got into a _lot_ of trouble. Once, we accidentally let a squirrel into the house. Another time we went to the zoo, and James let out the baby goats, and they chased him all around the zoo. Then Carlos fell _into_ the Tiger exhibit! And then Kendall followed, trying to get him out. Kendall and I watched for an hour as they stayed still, with two tigers just laying in front of them, studying their every move. But, it was okay, because the Zoo agreed not to sue James for destruction, if Mrs. Knight agreed not to sue the Zoo for child endangerment.

There was another time we accidentally blew up the carpet cleaner…while it was still on display in the store. Soap was _everywhere_. Mrs. Knight had to lay down ten _grand_ for that one.

Kendall was my best friend. He was the first best friend I ever had, and he was the first real person I ever truly fell in love with. I never would have thought I'd fall for Kendall, but there I was, almost a year later, in the field behind Kendall's yard with him, just talking, occasionally rubbing our noses together.

"You're so cute," I'd told him.

"No," he said, "_You're_ so cute."

I laughed, "Don't start this, you and I both know we could go all day."

Kendall nodded and then he quickly kissed me; something he did often now, privately, but often, and he always told me he didn't want to lose me.

We fought occasionally, about stupid things, like who was going to shower first, which way was the proper way to make the bed. There had been a time where we, in fact, attempted to pushed our two beds together to make one big bed, since the only ones that ever saw our room knew that we slept in the same bed. We didn't exactly have more room, though; if Kendall tried to move over to the other bed, he ended up falling through the cracks, so we just went back to the original set up and slept in my bed.

James and Carlos often occupied Kendall's bed.

Then, one day, we learned about the deaths of Jay Douglas, a gay kid who had been beaten to death because of who he was, and Kyle Butler who had killed himself because of being bullied for being gay.

Kendall's toughest obstacle in his life was facing his fear of being gay. I wasn't exactly sure if it was a fear, but it appeared like it. He knew for a long time he wanted to open up about his whole situation.

He turned into his father's son the day he talked to the principal about holding an assembly to talk to the entire student body about prejudice. I watched from the front row as Kendall stood in front of two thousand people.

"Hi," he said nervously. "Well, um, I'm Kendall, and I'm a senior here, you know and um…um, just, shit. What's going on here is disgusting. Jay Douglas was one of the nicest people I've ever met. He always gave helped when people needed it, he was always there to lend a hand. When I was in eighth grade, Carlos, yeah, he spilled juice on his pants and he looked like he peed himself, but Jay wore his gym pants for the rest of the day and gave Carlos the jeans off his ass."

"That asshole," said Carlos, who was sitting next to me.

One of the teachers made a face at him for his foul language, but not many seemed to notice because Kendall had a way of getting everyone's undivided attention. Just the way he spoke…you always got real quiet when Kendall stood up to speak; he was so commanding and determinate. He was respectable, and everybody had respected him for the person that he was. Kind, funny, compassionate, determined, trustworthy, brilliant and special. He was perfect. But not so.

"He helped eight people pass algebra in my freshman year, one of them being me. He always offered money in the lunchroom to kids who didn't have any, and he held the doors open for ladies. He never turned his back on a friend, and he put _everyone_ else _regardless_ who they were, what they looked like and where they came from above himself. He was the most selfless person I had ever known and people in this very school beat him to death."

His eyes shifted around the audience, every eye looking back at him.

"So what if he fell in love with the guy? You don't know what he feels. You don't know what he went through every day, and you don't know what it was like to be him. He was living his life the best he could and he was doing a damn good job of it, and then, suddenly, he was gone. Your classmates killed him.

"Kyle Butler was the _best_ football player on the entire team. _that's_ why he was quarterback, _that's_ why he was captain. Some of his own teammates picked on him for being gay, till they saw him play. He was the most precise guy, he analyzed everything he did, and he never took anything for granted. In just a year he turned the entire team around and they haven't lost a game since he'd joined the team.

"Every day, he'd come to school and be bullied and put down for being gay. He was discriminated in a place where he should have been comfortable; you called him faggot, Gaylord or Penis Licker. About two weeks ago he was telling me someone had told him to "choke on a dick and die." Do you really want the captain of the football team to die? Do you really want to lose a friend? A classmate? A teammate? Do you wish someone else to lose their son, brother, or nephew? Guess what, it's too late. Kyle killed himself because he could handle all the negative things you people had to say to him.

"It's not just gay people, either. Everybody. We're all guilty of being prejudice. Even if it's just not _liking_ somebody because they remind you of someone else you don't like. Even if someone dresses a certain way, or listens to a certain type of music. Why does all of that matter?

"Does anybody know about the Columbine tragedy?

I looked around. Nobody had their hand raised. I stood up. "I do."

Kendall pointed to the podium and stepped back. My heart raced in my chest as I jumped on the stage and took the place Kendall had once been standing in. My voice was a lot more quiet than Kendall's, and a lot less demanding. But it had appeared the room got even more quiet. "The Columbine tragedy happened on April 20th, 1999. Two boys at the Columbine High School had been bullied for who they were. They couldn't handle it anymore. They decided to blow up the school. Their intention was to kill as many people as possible.

"Innocent people died. They were just…killed. Thirteen people, twelve students and a teacher were killed because two boys were pressured and tormented into doing what they thought would improve their lives. You know what they did? They killed themselves. It's known as the worst high school shooting in the history of the United States."

Kendall stood next to me. "Don't you think for one second that something like that isn't possible to happen here, or anywhere else."

"Rachel Joy Scott was the first of the students at Columbine to be murdered. She said, "I have this theory, that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, t hen it will start a chain reaction of the same. People will never know how far a little kindness can go." And she's right. Where would Jay be right now if people were kind to him, as he was to them, instead of beating him to death? Where would Kyle be if he wasn't tormented on a day-to-day basis for being who he was? We're just people."

James suddenly jumped on stage and pushed me and Kendall gently out of the way. "Everybody is different! We need to smarten up and be _nice_ to each other! You don't know everyone's story. Everyone has bad days and good days, and if you're just nicer to everybody, then, you really CAN start that chain reaction!"

Carlos was next, leaving a three-seat gap in the front row. "We're equal. Nobody is better than anybody else. We should be able to do anything we want to do without being judged or ridiculed. If nobody makes fun of nobody, then nobody will have any reason to be mean in the first place!"

To us, Carlos made sense, but I was pretty sure he'd confused half the audience.

Kendall stepped up and said, "As of right now, we're disgusting. Prejudice is killing our friends, and I don't know about you, but I'll be damned if I can just sit back and watch this happen. My own father was prejudice. I spent my whole life learning things from him, but there was a lot he could have learned from me. Like everyone is equal. That's what God intended. And I don't care if you don't believe in God, you don't have to. But believe in yourself, and believe that you can be better people and start a chain reaction."

And with that, we were done. We'd said all we could say and we hoped that we'd changed the school overnight.

And it appeared as though we had. On Facebook, many, many people were not only writing on Jay and Kyle's walls, but mine, Kendall's, James's, and Carlos's walls as well. I'd seen a, "James Diamond, Carlos Garcia and 113 other people like _I accept Rachel's Challenge; Start a Chain Reaction_.

And when we went to school the next day, posters were everywhere with Rachel Joy Scott quotes, and Start a Chain Reaction, and posters honoring the students that'd passed over the past few years. It was incredible.

Everybody seemed much more positive; people were apologizing to others for wrongful doings in the past and people were getting together to do better things with their lives.

All that was just in September.

I had no idea what the next year had ahead for me, but I wasn't worried about being tormented in school.

Day 359 was October 7th, and it'd been a little over a week since our little random public speech; Kendall kissed me in the middle of the cafeteria. I'd stared at him, wide-eyed, but to my surprise, the entire room applauded.

Their acceptance gave me hope that things can change, even if you don't expect them to.

I loved Kendall then, more than ever. He was the strongest, bravest person I know, and as he told me many times before, that was likewise.

October 13th was Day 365; it had been one year since I moved in with the Knight family, and oh my god it was crazy to think how much had passed. All the shit that had happened over the past year, all the demons I'd faced…I saw my mother for the first time in years. I lost some amazing friends. I'd gained a whole family and lost some of it. I almost died. I'd told my deepest darkest secrets. I fell in love.

My life had started off shitty, you know? But the year that had just passed, the year that flew by so quickly was my favorite year of my life. Time is a crazy thing. There's never enough of it when you're having fun, and there's always too much of it when you are bored, or hurt. It's never on your side, it won't let you turn it back, and God forbid if it'd ever let you have good moments within the bad ones. Despite all this, nothing can heal any kind of wound quite like time can.

As time went by, and days went by, and life threw whatever it was throwing at me, I was taking it head on. And I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I had Kendall by my side, I had Carlos, James, Mama Knight, Katie, Granny all behind me. Behind us, supporting us in whatever it is that we wanted out of life. I was ready for anything. So anything better have been ready for me.

* * *

Note: I hope I haven't disappointed you, and I hope you enjoyed this. I've worked very hard on this story and I hope you'll never forget it. Please look up Rachel's Challenge and keep it in mind. You really can start a chain reaction if you try; i wasn't making that up. Keep your eye out for more from me. I love you all, thank you for reading Days Go By. (:


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